Relationships and Love: Search results for Find My Therapist

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What is a successful relationship? What does a successful relationship even look like? We may have all wondered these questions at some point in our life.</div>
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Often, my clients and I use words such as <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">healthy </em>or <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">successful </i>when describing goals within their treatment. Many of my clients initially start their process with describing their conflicts and frustrations. It’s not uncommon to hear, “The way we argue is unhealthy. We desperately need help <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">communicating </em>so we can have a successful relationship.”</div>
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A common misconception is learning to communicate more effectively will fix your relational issues. Although my counseling style teaches better communication and listening skills, it is not the <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">only component to creating a successful relationship. </em>Although communication is a key factor in enhancing understanding and facilitating connection within the relationship, it is in my opinion, that communication itself can’t sustain a successful relationship or deepen the connection and intimacy <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">entirely.</em></div>
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So… then, what the heck <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">is a successful relationship </em>and what’s the effective recipe to get there?</div>
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“A healthy, successful relationship” is an <span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">evolution</span> of commitment, self-awareness and vulnerability.</span></div>
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Unfortunately, a successful relationship does not have a finish line and it’s more about a deep sense of security rather than a distinguishable accomplishment. It challenges our traditional definitions of “success,” and it begins when two people know and understand themselves (or are consistently open to trying to<em style="box-sizing: border-box;">). </em>The evolution of creating a successful relationship happens when two people push their own boundaries to jeopardize their emotional safety with each other. It happens when both partners really understand themselves to the core of their emotions, needs, behaviors and insecurities. This is the bulk of <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">vulnerability</em>, which inspires natural relational growth and security.</div>
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To be clear, being in a successful relationship does not void you or your partner of struggle, nor does it mean you are an expert communicator at all times. Creating a successful relationship is more about knowing yourself well enough to acknowledge when you’re reacting in a way that is pushing your partner away. It’s forcing yourself to be vulnerable no matter how terrifying it may be. It’s committing to your own self-development just as much as it’s committing loyalty to your partner.</div>
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It’s knowing when your pride is in overdrive and your defensives are clogging your ability to be honest and authentic to yourself and/or to your partner. It is then, when <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">communication </em>is extremely helpful. When you can articulate your needs and fears in a de-escalated way and ask for what you need, your partner <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">hears you.</em> You cannot effectively communicate (or begin the evolution of creating a successful relationship) if you aren’t attune to yourself or are not aware of your behaviors, intentions and needs. This is why I am suggesting that being a “good communicator” is more than just using <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">I statements </em>and actively listening to each other. Being in a successful relationship requires vulnerability and self-awareness within the communication, which only makes it more effective.</div>
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I personally understand how difficult this process can be.</div>
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As I have had my share of unhealthy relationship experiences in my past. As I reflect back to my past relationship failures, I can now acknowledge several things that took me years to understand. In those moments, I remember constantly feeling heartbroken, unworthy, insecure and completely insane. I never felt good enough for any of my “boyfriends” and always felt I had to prove or deny something deep within myself. I stumbled around for years just trying to find a partner<em style="box-sizing: border-box;"> who wouldn’t leave me.</em> That seemed simple enough…<em style="box-sizing: border-box;"> right? </em>I did not realize this at the time, but I was looking for a partner to help me feel secure with myself. This only put a lot pressure on my boyfriends in hopes that they could <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">fix </em>me, help me feel confident and lower my insecurities. Instead,<em style="box-sizing: border-box;"> </em>it produced the complete opposite outcome and most cheated on me or were rarely available at the times I needed them the most. This pattern reinforced to me for years, <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">I wasn’t worthy and would never be in a successful relationship.</em></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg23x3AotoZqorzZvQEbOvThcUU7xaG5qfGiCP6go96_xlOvUjpF_qPIP7QlfAel9sdJgGhGOihIOTguRLZf3XwHglWu5W3gjZfs3zwMYdHJtxwmGmelzS9YzsGEI4Fxo0SdiaW_jGfqfEZ/s1600/a+successful+relationship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="222" data-original-width="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg23x3AotoZqorzZvQEbOvThcUU7xaG5qfGiCP6go96_xlOvUjpF_qPIP7QlfAel9sdJgGhGOihIOTguRLZf3XwHglWu5W3gjZfs3zwMYdHJtxwmGmelzS9YzsGEI4Fxo0SdiaW_jGfqfEZ/s1600/a+successful+relationship.jpg" /></a>One day, I decided I needed to choose to be alone. <em style="box-sizing: border-box;"> </em>A little bitter (at the time I believed I was on the path of relational destruction due to the “lack of good men out there”), I decided that being alone <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">had to be better </em>than dating men that had the tendency to bring out the worst in me. I wrote a list of all the things that I needed and wanted from a relationship. I laughed and then I cried; emotions of hope soon dwindled into sadness as I felt completely torn and discouraged. <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">How would I ever find a relationship like this, did it even exist? </em>Again, not realizing at the time, but I would soon realize that this relationship <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">does exist </em>but it requires a whole lot of work on <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">myself. </em></div>
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I went to graduate school to become a therapist (who would have thought?) and dug deep within my own process, I attended my own counseling and realized that a crucial part of this puzzle was missing all along.</div>
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 <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">I had to establish a positive relationship with my own self before I was able to find, create and sustain a healthy relationship with someone else. </span>I had to look in the mirror and take accountability for my inability to process my own emotions and my refusal to be real with myself. I had to take ownership of my pain, insecurities and defenses. I had to accept these [personal] things were a huge contributing factor to my past failed relationships and recognize it wasn’t just because “<span style="box-sizing: border-box; text-decoration-line: underline;">I picked the wrong men.”</span></div>
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I was never in a “healthy,” successful relationship until I met my husband. How do I know? Well… Because, when I challenged myself to understand myself better, my self confidence grew and my intention of wanting a relationship shifted significantly. I attracted my husband with genuine qualities verses acts of desperation and insincerity. I was able to soothe myself when I felt uncomfortable, verses relying solely on him to take away my fears and then getting angry with him because he couldn’t. I pushed myself to be vulnerable and took the necessary risks which helped him understand me and prevented me from exploding with resentment as I used to do in the past. This left little to no room for him to have to make his own assumptions of my reactive behavior.</div>
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All of this work I was doing on myself, (and I may add, <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">all of the work he was also doing on himself), </em>made a huge difference in our abilities to get close to each other. It’s a relationship I never knew was possible. We’ve had our ups and definitely had our downs, but what makes our relationship “successful,” is the evolution of committing our lives to each other, as well as ourselves. We now have learned throughout the years how to show up and operate in our most authentic self and we constantly push ourselves to be transparent with each other. We are vulnerable, sometimes emotionally messy, but we are honest and true.</div>
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I would encourage you to reflect on your own behaviors and possible incongruences with your thoughts, actions and emotions. Especially before you are quick to blame your partner or your lack of partners when you’re feeling really misunderstood or alone. Building understanding within yourself is essential to promoting longterm success in your relationship(s). Check your patterns, your beliefs, your insecurities. Check your behaviors and your defenses. Understand what you need and why you need it. Be honest and vulnerable with yourself and it will take you and your relationship in a whole new direction. It’s terrifying, but it’s worth it!</div>
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I’m here to help! Thanks for reading.</div>

How to have healthy habits to establish success in your relationship

What is a successful relationship? What does a successful relationship even look like? We may have all wondered these questions at some ...

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Sexual Interest in Relationships:  Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”</h1>
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<strong>Richard
 Nicastro, PhD digs deeper into the important relationship dynamic of 
sexual interest.  While acknowledging the normalcy of an imbalance, he 
suggests the shortest route to a solution that works for both couples is
 understanding and empathy for these differences.</strong></div>
There 
are certain relationship dynamics that impact a couple’s sex life and 
certain relational dynamics that arise from their sexual relationship. 
One particular pattern has to do with the expectations that result when 
one partner wants more frequent sex than the other—when one partner 
wants sex and the other can take it or leave it (and more often then not
 prefers to leave it).<br />
There is a scene in Woody Allen’s film 
Annie Hall that captures this dilemma. The main character Alvy (played 
by Woody Allen) is talking to his therapist, and when the therapist asks
 if Alvy and his partner are sleeping together, Alvy states, “Hardly 
ever, maybe three times a week.” The next scene is Alvy’s partner Annie 
(played by Diane Keaton) talking to her therapist, and when Annie’s 
therapist asks if she is having sex with Alvy, she responds, 
“Constantly, I’d say three times a week.”<br />
<em>One partner’s sexual deprivation might be another’s sexual saturation.</em><br />
It’s
 not uncommon for couples to have an imbalance in sexual desire and 
sexual interest. Navigating these waters can be a real challenge, with 
misunderstandings, power struggles and feelings of rejection resulting. 
This is particularly the case for the person who feels loved through 
sex. In these instances, the answer “No, I’m not in the mood” can feel 
like an emotional sledgehammer instead of a simple truth-of-the-moment 
for the other.<br />
<h3>
No Sexual Interest: Understanding Your Partner’s Sexual Experiences and Expectations</h3>
<h4>
The Parter with Low-To-No Interest in Sex</h4>
Imagine
 that you’re being asked to do something you really don’t want to do. 
Now imagine being asked this week after week, month after month. You’d 
probably get pretty frustrated at some point, and you might even find 
yourself becoming angry with the person making these unwanted requests. 
For some people with little-to-no-sexual desire, requests for sex can 
feel laborious. As one wife described: “Every time my husband wants sex,
 I hear myself internally yelling, ‘No, not again!’”<br />
This same 
wife also shared that after she does have sex with her husband, she 
anticipates a sexual respite for a while. She even joked, “After I get 
my teeth cleaned I can take comfort in the fact that it won’t happen for
 another six months!”<br />
So for the person with no sexual interest or desire, after sex has occurred, their mindset might look something like:<br />
<ul>
<li>A commitment/duty has just been met (“one that I’m not that crazy about”);</li>
<li>And
 since this obligation has been recently fulfilled, there is now the 
expectation that there will be a period of time with no sex;</li>
<li>If this “no sex” zone isn’t respected, tension or anger may result.</li>
</ul>
<h4>
Heightened Sexual Interest: Understanding The Partner with High Interest in Sex</h4>
Whenever
 this partner has sex, his/her experience is one of being fed 
emotionally and sexually. This sexual hunger doesn’t have an on-off 
switch and it doesn’t become completely satiated for long. In fact, a 
once-in-a-while sexual experience can feel like it is only highlighting 
what is missing, what this person believes should be occurring more 
frequently.<br />
Adrian has been married to his wife for six years. 
He’s always had a high sex drive and would prefer to have sex about five
 times a week. His wife’s libido is much quieter, and she can go for 
weeks without even thinking about sex. He described becoming physically 
uncomfortable if he goes too long not having sex, and the longer he 
waits, the more he thinks about and fantasizes about sex.<br />
After having sex with their partner, the high sex drive individual’s experience may appear as follows:<br />
<ul>
<li>They feel like a vital need has been met and therefore feel emotionally closer to their partner;</li>
<li>They eagerly anticipate future sexual experiences and hope that this will happen sooner rather than later;</li>
<li>As
 time passes and they are faced with a string of unmet sexual advances, 
they become increasingly tense and irritable. They can start to feel 
unwanted and may even feel like something is wrong with them for 
“wanting so much sex”;</li>
<li>After prolonged rejections, they may even
 try to suppress sexual longings (a suppression that may ultimately lead
 to underlying resentments).</li>
</ul>
When you consider the 
subjective experiences of each partner (low-desire and high-desire), you
 can see how they are worlds apart not only in their desire to have sex,
 but also in what it’s like for each of them to have and <em>not</em> to have sex.<br />
There are no easy “solutions” to such discrepancies. These differences create <em>tensions</em>
 (both within each person and between the couple as a whole) that need 
to be consciously managed and negotiated. This process starts with an 
honest, non-judgmental awareness of each other: what it’s like to have 
sex when you don’t want to, what it’s like to not have sex when you feel
 overwhelmed by the desire to have sex.<br />
When empathy becomes part of the communication field, <em>mutual understanding</em> allows for these tensions to be looked at and worked through together, rather than by just one of you.</section>

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High” Richard Nicastro, PhD digs deeper into...

Relationships and Love

How to have healthy habits to establish success in your relationship

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”

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