How To Keep The Hope Alive, When Dating Gets You Down

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <img alt="t get too attached to him because he will leave me anyways How to Keep the Hope Alive, When Dating Gets You Down" src="http://static.eharmony.com/dating-advice/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/dating-positively.jpg" style="background-color: transparent;" /></div> <br /> <br /> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> “I just don’t do well with women. They are like a puzzle I’ll never be able to solve.”</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> “I shouldn’t get too attached to him because he will leave me anyways. That’s what they always do.”</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> “She’s nice and we had a great time, but I feel jaded from being burned by other women. There’s no point in asking her out again.”</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> “I shouldn’t get my hopes up because nothing ever works out. I should just quit before I get rejected.”</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> These four statements are typical of my single clients who are struggling to form a relationship, male and female alike.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> These thoughts are protective measures your brain takes to attempt to make you feel better about your situation, which may include loneliness, insecurity, dating difficulties, and chronic singlehood. While these thoughts are part of the endless mind chatter that fills your life, they can keep you closed and impede connection due to their self-defeating, negative, emotionally charged, and assumingly permanent nature.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Buying into thoughts and fears may lead you to unconsciously committing that dating will not work. As this becomes your norm and expectation of dating, it creates disengagement, tension, and resentment that seeps into dates. When these thoughts run your dating life and you do not work to reframe them and create a safe distance from them, in some ways, you have given up.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> You have given up on the chance that dating could be different, better, and more satisfying in the present and future. You have given up on the reality that not everyone will abandon you, betray you, hurt you or reject you.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> You might be thinking, “Me, give up? No way, I am constantly utilizing online dating sites, I message anyone who might be my ideal partner and I go on dates. How is this giving up?”</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> With a negative mindset or an underlying assumption that each date will go miserably, you naturally go on dates, especially first dates, on guard. While it is appropriate to have healthy boundaries, to resist the need to over-share or over-commit early on and to take your time getting to know your date, the “nothing ever works out for me” perception negatively impacts how you show up and relate to the men and women you meet. Whether you know it or not, you become less likely to let someone new into your life, you are less able to tolerate vulnerability, and less likely to take a chance on love, or even just a second date.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> While it is understandable that you don’t want to get your hopes up after a long stretch of unsuccessful experiences, bringing passion, openness, and excitement to your date are the means to create true connection.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> So, how can you date in a more positive way without letting the past or fear-based thinking bring you down?</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 1.<strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Imagine each date as a clean slate.</strong> It is separate from your thoughts about dating and separate from your past, including bad dates and any negative encounters with previous partners. View each date as a new opportunity to connect with someone who has nothing to do with your past.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 2. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">When negative thoughts creep in, acknowledge them without attachment and bring yourself back to the moment, reminding yourself to be open to what is happening presently</strong>. Dating works best when you are actually on the date instead of in your head.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 3. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Be open to a different or new reality</strong>. Your mind says the past equals the present? Take deliberate action not to believe it. Your mind tells you that the current man you are dating is likely cheating on you because you’ve been cheated on before even though there is nothing signaling that he is? Let it go and work with your mind to handle the unknown with an open heart and mind.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 4. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Understand the difference between getting your hopes up unrealistically and being open and available for connection</strong>. In turn, do not change your dating life and associated decisions to avoid potential pain or rejection. Dating involves taking risks, so if you like her, ask her out; if you want to see her again, let her know; and if you want to kiss him and the moment feels right, go for it.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 5. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">While you have no control of others, date in a way that works for you</strong>. Focus on making choices that feel right to you, in terms of the pace, how many people you date at one time, etc. When you focus on yourself and what is in your control, you will naturally feel more confident and empowered to handle the bumps along the road to love.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Connect with the part of you who wants a relationship, and bring this energy to your date. To do this, visualize yourself in your ideal relationship with a great partner. You have to put yourself out there — that is what love is.</div> </div>

How To Keep The Hope Alive, When Dating Gets You Down

“I just don’t do well with women. They are like a puzzle I’ll never be able to solve.” “I shouldn’t get too attached to him becaus...

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Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline"> Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs</h1> <div class="single-featured-image"> <img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-768x513.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-350x234.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S.jpg 848w" width="640" /></div> <div class="social-share-container"> <div style="text-align: left;"> <br /></div> <span class="st_facebook_large" displaytext="Facebook"></span> <span class="st_twitter_large" displaytext="Tweet"></span> <span class="st_pinterest_large" displaytext="Pinterest"></span> <span class="st_linkedin_large" displaytext="LinkedIn"></span> <span class="st_googleplus_large" displaytext="Google +"></span> <span class="st_email_large" displaytext="Email"></span></div> </header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">Esther Perel has an unmistakeable presence.  The Belgian speaker, therapist, author and TedX sweetheart has been challenging us all, including therapists like myself, to rethink our paradigms around romantic relationships and infidelity.<br /> Recently at the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in DC, I had the opportunity to hear her speak about shifts in romantic relationships and the heart of the matter in modern day affairs.<br /> According to Esther, “expectations put on a romantic relationship are at an all time high” and mirror cultural shifts that have occurred.  There is more ambiguity with roles, social hierarchies and prohibitive religious structures are less intact, there is more freedom for self expression and happiness seeking for the individual is a higher priority.<br /> As we have moved away from community living with families and friends nearby, we have less sense of belonging.  “When we lived in the village we knew everything about the couple; every fight and every fuck,” she said, matter of factly.  As many issues there surely were with such intertwined living, now that the pendulum has swung to the other side and we now face the public health crisis of loneliness.  And couples have become more isolated, often rely on one person, each other, to be their trusted confidante, best friend, best lover and intellectual equal.<br /> <div style="text-align: center;"> <em>“Our modern model for modern marriage is that one person will give us what an entire village used to provide.” </em></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> – Esther Perel</div> This is why the pain around infidelity is different today.  This betrayal can be incredibly traumatic because it threatens the sense of self, challenging the idea that this person was “the one.”  And the digital age of social media, texts and emails can feel like “death by a thousand cuts” to the one who has been betrayed and has discovered messages and other cyber evidence of an affair.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-11046" height="100" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-350x117.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS.jpg 600w" width="300" /></a></div> <strong>What lies at the heart of an affair?</strong><br /> Esther reports it’s not usually really about the sex.  In her experience, she has found there has been a yearning to bring back some kind of vitality, recapture lost parts, an entitlement to seek out desires or simply be happier than we are.  Some affairs happen after years of monogamy in a relationship where the person never thought they would do such a thing but they feel driven to feel special, important, to beat back a sense of deadness.  And wanting what you can’t have can also be intoxicating.<br /> She touches on the issues that come up around “romantic consumerism,” that we now have thousands of people at our fingertips via dating apps and online sites.  This raises the question, how will you know when you’ve found “the one” with so much choice?<br /> <strong>What can modern couples do differently to preserve their relationships?</strong><br /> <ul> <li>Reconsider the expectations you put on each other.</li> <li>Rely on friends and family for some of your emotional burdens and need for connection.</li> <li>Keep your relationship dynamic fresh with new experiences, breaking up routines and maintaining even a little mystery between each other.</li> <li>Continue to find ways to make each other feel special and prioritized.</li> </ul> Intimate relationships, particularly long term, can inherently run into problems when the couples focus drifts too far away from the living, breathing relationship itself.  Like most plants, it needs attention and water to survive.  Yes, the paradigm around romantic relationships has changed but this doesn’t need to mean they are all destined for failure.  It’s an alert signaling the need for us all to rethink their meaning in the context of the world around us as and maybe most importantly, face and adapt to our societal issue of loneliness head on.<br /> <br /></section></div>

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs Esther Perel has an unmistakeable presence.  T...

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