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Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

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Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs</h1>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">Esther
 Perel has an unmistakeable presence.  The Belgian speaker, therapist, 
author and TedX sweetheart has been challenging us all, including 
therapists like myself, to rethink our paradigms around romantic 
relationships and infidelity.<br />
Recently at the Psychotherapy 
Networker Symposium in DC, I had the opportunity to hear her speak about
 shifts in romantic relationships and the heart of the matter in modern 
day affairs.<br />
According to Esther, “expectations put on a romantic 
relationship are at an all time high” and mirror cultural shifts that 
have occurred.  There is more ambiguity with roles, social hierarchies 
and prohibitive religious structures are less intact, there is more 
freedom for self expression and happiness seeking for the individual is a
 higher priority.<br />
As we have moved away from community living with
 families and friends nearby, we have less sense of belonging.  “When we
 lived in the village we knew everything about the couple; every fight 
and every fuck,” she said, matter of factly.  As many issues there 
surely were with such intertwined living, now that the pendulum has 
swung to the other side and we now face the public health crisis of 
loneliness.  And couples have become more isolated, often rely on one 
person, each other, to be their trusted confidante, best friend, best 
lover and intellectual equal.<br />
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<em>“Our modern model for modern marriage is that one person will give us what an entire village used to provide.” </em></div>
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– Esther Perel</div>
This
 is why the pain around infidelity is different today.  This betrayal 
can be incredibly traumatic because it threatens the sense of self, 
challenging the idea that this person was “the one.”  And the digital 
age of social media, texts and emails can feel like “death by a thousand
 cuts” to the one who has been betrayed and has discovered messages and 
other cyber evidence of an affair.<br />
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<a href="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-11046" height="100" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-350x117.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS.jpg 600w" width="300" /></a></div>
<strong>What lies at the heart of an affair?</strong><br />
Esther
 reports it’s not usually really about the sex.  In her experience, she 
has found there has been a yearning to bring back some kind of vitality,
 recapture lost parts, an entitlement to seek out desires or simply be 
happier than we are.  Some affairs happen after years of monogamy in a 
relationship where the person never thought they would do such a thing 
but they feel driven to feel special, important, to beat back a sense of
 deadness.  And wanting what you can’t have can also be intoxicating.<br />
She
 touches on the issues that come up around “romantic consumerism,” that 
we now have thousands of people at our fingertips via dating apps and 
online sites.  This raises the question, how will you know when you’ve 
found “the one” with so much choice?<br />
<strong>What can modern couples do differently to preserve their relationships?</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>Reconsider the expectations you put on each other.</li>
<li>Rely on friends and family for some of your emotional burdens and need for connection.</li>
<li>Keep
 your relationship dynamic fresh with new experiences, breaking up 
routines and maintaining even a little mystery between each other.</li>
<li>Continue to find ways to make each other feel special and prioritized.</li>
</ul>
Intimate
 relationships, particularly long term, can inherently run into problems
 when the couples focus drifts too far away from the living, breathing 
relationship itself.  Like most plants, it needs attention and water to 
survive.  Yes, the paradigm around romantic relationships has changed 
but this doesn’t need to mean they are all destined for failure.  It’s 
an alert signaling the need for us all to rethink their meaning in the 
context of the world around us as and maybe most importantly, face and 
adapt to our societal issue of loneliness head on.<br />
<br /></section></div>

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs Esther Perel has an unmistakeable presence. T...

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know

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Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know</h1>
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Fresh
 off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington 
DC, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop with John Gottman.  Dr. 
Gottman is a dominant figure on the relationship research and couples 
therapy scene since the mid 80’s, when he began observing couples 
fighting in his “original couples laboratory,” dubbed the Love Lab.  His
 findings provided some of the scientific underpinnings of what we know 
about what maintains and erodes intimate relationships.</div>
</div>
</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">The Love Lab has been given new life and a new name; the Gottman Love Lab Experience is
 now being offered as “the world’s first science-based relationship 
evaluation service,” measuring three primary important areas of your 
relationship; friendship, conflict and shared meaning.<br />
Along with 
this cutting edge assessment opportunity for couples who are able to 
make it to Seattle, Washington, he is also offering therapists a new 
online tool, the Gottman Relationship Checkup, providing the ability to 
receive a score reviewing couples strengths and vulnerabilities, with 
feedback for possible treatment suggestions.<br />
From a recent study 
Dr. Gottman conducted of 40,000 Relationship Checkup participants, he 
has new data.  I compiled some relationship research nuggets on 
heterosexual couples from his presentation.  You might find some of the 
results surprising!<br />
<strong>For how many couples in therapy is at least one partner considering an exit?</strong>   66%<br />
82% of couples are having problems with <strong>loneliness in the relationship</strong><br />
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<a href="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS-300x200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-11014" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS-350x234.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS.jpg 424w" width="300" /></a></div>
<strong>What About Problems with Intimacy and Sex?</strong><br />
Romance 83%<br />
Sex Quality 55%<br />
Sex Frequency 49%<br />
<strong>How many partners had problems with trust?</strong>   66%<br />
<br />
<strong>The Top 3 Things Couples Fight About</strong><br />
86% Not having fun anymore<br />
76% Finances<br />
74% No emotional connection<br />
Speaking
 of conflict, the biggest obstacle to productively navigating conflict 
in relationships is flooding.  This means the heart gets to 100 beats 
per minute which makes it nearly impossible to communicate from a calm, 
grounded place as your physiology will get the best of you.  In fact, 
when flooded, communication can be erratic, irrational and possibly 
damaging to the relationship.  The antidote is self-soothing or helping 
each other soothe, if possible.  Sometimes leaving the situation (in a 
structured time out) is the best thing a couple can do for a 
relationship.<br />
<strong>96% of couples are flooded during conflict</strong><br />
Though
 I didn’t catch all of the numbers Dr. Gottman shared at his 
presentation, particularly the gay and lesbian stats, what I did notice 
was a trend demonstrating that compared to heterosexual couples, they 
did a much better job with conflict and communication.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><em>“As far as interaction, gay and lesbian couples really have a lot to teach heterosexual couples.” </em></strong></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
– John Gottman</div>
Something
 to think about.  I will leave you with one more nugget and it’s an 
important one to consider for those who are struggling in married or 
long term relationships:  The #1 predictor of divorce is contempt.  If 
you are calling your partner names, assassinating their character or 
hitting below the belt in other ways…and you would like to save your 
relationship, please seek counseling for help.</section></div>

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know Fresh off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Sympos...

Five Ways On How Better Communication Can Prevent Divorce

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <br /> <h1 class="post-title" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; clear: left; color: #444444; float: left; font-family: Titillium, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 38px; font-stretch: inherit; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 1.3em; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; margin-top: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"> <img height="266" src="http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/old_black_couple-e1315319695679.jpg" width="400" /></h1> <br /> <h1 class="post-title" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: Titillium, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 38px; font-stretch: inherit; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 1.3em; margin: 0px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> When asked about making relationships last just about everyone will tell you the same thing: communication is key! It is advice that is as useful as it is vague. It offers no practical steps you can take, and fails to acknowledge that communication takes many forms, and they aren’t all good for your relationship. Here are some tried and tested methods for keeping the communication in your relationship productive and open.</div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Honesty is (usually) the best policy</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Being honest about how you feel and what you need is the most important and effective thing you can do to preserve your marriage. It can be difficult to tell someone you love that you’re unhappy or unfulfilled, but if you don’t tell them, they’ll never know. Be clear and open about what you feel is missing, or what needs to change. Your spouse loves you and wants you to be happy. If you tell them what you need, they will almost certainly want to help you find it.</div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Not everything you think needs to be said</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Sometimes sharing close quarters with someone you love means finding them frustrating and irritating. Sometimes even the sound of them breathing can make you crazy. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love them anymore, and it definitely doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with the way they breathe. Letting thoughts like those out is destructive and hurtful, and accomplishes absolutely nothing. Before criticizing your partner, try to think about how you would feel if they made the same complaint about you, then try to drop it.</div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Don’t bottle it up…</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> The first piece of relationship advice my mother ever gave me was “don’t let it fester.” She said she and my father didn’t have their first fight until they had been together for 5 years, and boy was it a doozy. Even if your spouse does something totally inappropriate or cruel, once you’ve held onto your anger for long enough, you’ve given up the high ground. If an issue isn’t important enough to be addressed in a timely manner, it isn’t important enough to be used at a later date either.</div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">But bottle it up a little</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> There is a difference between passive-aggressively holding onto past mistakes, and thinking calmly about a perkara before discussing it. When you are hurt, or angry, or frustrated, your ability to talk reasonably and come up with a solution is going to suffer. Sometimes it is a good idea to wait a little while and let the most extreme emotional responses fade before broaching a subject. This will allow you to come at it with some perspective, and to say calmly to your partner, “it bothers me when you do this, for this reason.” No yelling, no accusations, just a simple conversation about ways to make living together easier for both of you.</div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Find new ways to discuss difficult issues</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; color: #666666; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 28.7999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> For some people confrontation is more than just difficult. My sister suffers from actual panic attacks during difficult encounters, which makes those hard conversations even more of a challenge. She and her husband work online from two separate offices in the same house, and occasionally they will discuss touchy subjects via online chat. It allows her to distance herself from the stress of the conversation without sacrificing her own needs. There are other advantages to the written word; it gives you an opportunity to reconsider what you wish to say before it is too late, and it forces you to abandon sarcasm, the great American crutch. Since your tone can’t indicate whether or not you are serious, you should be writing only what you mean.</div> </h1> </div>

Five Ways On How Better Communication Can Prevent Divorce

When asked about making relationships last just about everyone will tell you the same thing: communication is key! It is advice that ...

5 Ways To Recover From Relationship Blunder

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <br /> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; clear: left; color: #333333; float: left; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <img src="http://www.naijastories.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/quarrelling-black-couple.jpg" style="background-color: transparent;" /></div> <br /> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Without a doubt there are some nasty men out in the dating world. Guys who use, abuse and laugh about it later; but they are the exception. The much more common man is maybe just a little careless with his comments. Perhaps he just doesn’t think it all through. He’s a little too frank, a little too honest. Or maybe it’s what he does or doesn’t do. Maybe his eyes linger on the attractive waitress, or he just can’t remember to hold the door and let her walk in a room first.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Whatever the cause, this good-hearted, hapless fellow ends up in the doghouse. Here are a few suggestions for recovering from the relationship blunder.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">1.    Learn to apologize</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> If you watch public persons who violate their marriage vows, get caught and then take to the public airwaves to apologize, you’ll notice an interesting trend. Many of these apologies aren’t apologies at all. Oh sure, the guy looks contrite, but if you listen he’s actually blaming his circumstances for his indiscretion. They go on and on about the hounding paparazzi, the pressure, and the power that breeds entitlement and a sense of being above the law. This is not how a real man should apologize.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> You apologize by taking FULL responsibility. You don’t say, “I hadn’t eaten well that day” or “I was busy with work.” You just say, “This is all on me. I screwed up. I’m so sorry to put you through this. There’s no excuse, and I’m going to work hard to never do that again.”</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">2.    Happily Accept The Consequences of Your Actions</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> If you’ve committed a blunder, there are going to be consequences. It’s cause and effect. Stand up tall and accept them. In fact, invite them. Saying something like, “I know that hurt your feelings. That’s the last thing I ever want to do. Let’s think about how I can make good on this” can let her know that you’re ready to bend over backwards to do penance for your misdeeds.<br /><strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br />3.    Prove You Get It</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> There are two parts to getting forgiveness – The Apology and Changing Your Ways. It can be difficult to prevent low-level mental lapses, like perhaps calling her by an old girlfriend’s name, but more substantial blunders should be tackled with a plan. Are you always late? Set up an online calendar that text messages you 15 minutes before important appointments. By creating a plan and explaining it to her you’re letting her know that you care enough to work hard at avoiding future trouble in this area.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">4.    Let Your Past Help You</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Relationships don’t happen in a vacuum. If you’re normally a thoughtful, respectful man, bring that up in your defense when discussing a blunder. She may need to be reminded that you’ve never made a similar mistake in the past. Let your track record speak for your good intentions.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> It’s also a good idea to work on extending the benefit of the doubt to each other. When your love does something that seems thoughtless or hurtful, agree to give that person a pass until proven otherwise. Agree to assume that rather than being malicious, the person committed the blunder accidentally or without intent to hurt you. After all, 99% of the time that’s exactly what happened. By letting a track record of love and respect supersede a snap judgment, each person will save themselves a great deal of anger.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">5.    If You’re Not at Fault, Speak Up</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Being willing to apologize when you’re wrong, gives you the right to stick to your guns when you’re not wrong. For some men, their entire relationship is a long series of, “I’m sorry” statements. You’ve got to be willing to stand up and say, “This isn’t my fault.” You’re not there to be a kick dog or to help someone avoid responsibility for their own shortcomings.</div> </div>

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