Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline"> Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know</h1> <div class="single-featured-image"> <img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_181341694_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_181341694_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_181341694_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_181341694_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_181341694_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_181341694_S.jpg 849w" width="640" /></div> <div class="social-share-container"> <div style="text-align: left;"> Fresh off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington DC, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop with John Gottman.  Dr. Gottman is a dominant figure on the relationship research and couples therapy scene since the mid 80’s, when he began observing couples fighting in his “original couples laboratory,” dubbed the Love Lab.  His findings provided some of the scientific underpinnings of what we know about what maintains and erodes intimate relationships.</div> </div> </header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">The Love Lab has been given new life and a new name; the Gottman Love Lab Experience is now being offered as “the world’s first science-based relationship evaluation service,” measuring three primary important areas of your relationship; friendship, conflict and shared meaning.<br /> Along with this cutting edge assessment opportunity for couples who are able to make it to Seattle, Washington, he is also offering therapists a new online tool, the Gottman Relationship Checkup, providing the ability to receive a score reviewing couples strengths and vulnerabilities, with feedback for possible treatment suggestions.<br /> From a recent study Dr. Gottman conducted of 40,000 Relationship Checkup participants, he has new data.  I compiled some relationship research nuggets on heterosexual couples from his presentation.  You might find some of the results surprising!<br /> <strong>For how many couples in therapy is at least one partner considering an exit?</strong>   66%<br /> 82% of couples are having problems with <strong>loneliness in the relationship</strong><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS-300x200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-11014" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS-350x234.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fotolia_176639190_XS.jpg 424w" width="300" /></a></div> <strong>What About Problems with Intimacy and Sex?</strong><br /> Romance 83%<br /> Sex Quality 55%<br /> Sex Frequency 49%<br /> <strong>How many partners had problems with trust?</strong>   66%<br /> <br /> <strong>The Top 3 Things Couples Fight About</strong><br /> 86% Not having fun anymore<br /> 76% Finances<br /> 74% No emotional connection<br /> Speaking of conflict, the biggest obstacle to productively navigating conflict in relationships is flooding.  This means the heart gets to 100 beats per minute which makes it nearly impossible to communicate from a calm, grounded place as your physiology will get the best of you.  In fact, when flooded, communication can be erratic, irrational and possibly damaging to the relationship.  The antidote is self-soothing or helping each other soothe, if possible.  Sometimes leaving the situation (in a structured time out) is the best thing a couple can do for a relationship.<br /> <strong>96% of couples are flooded during conflict</strong><br /> Though I didn’t catch all of the numbers Dr. Gottman shared at his presentation, particularly the gay and lesbian stats, what I did notice was a trend demonstrating that compared to heterosexual couples, they did a much better job with conflict and communication.<br /> <div style="text-align: center;"> <strong><em>“As far as interaction, gay and lesbian couples really have a lot to teach heterosexual couples.” </em></strong></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> – John Gottman</div> Something to think about.  I will leave you with one more nugget and it’s an important one to consider for those who are struggling in married or long term relationships:  The #1 predictor of divorce is contempt.  If you are calling your partner names, assassinating their character or hitting below the belt in other ways…and you would like to save your relationship, please seek counseling for help.</section></div>

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know Fresh off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Sympos...

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Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline"> Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs</h1> <div class="single-featured-image"> <img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-768x513.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S-350x234.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_94618063_S.jpg 848w" width="640" /></div> <div class="social-share-container"> <div style="text-align: left;"> <br /></div> <span class="st_facebook_large" displaytext="Facebook"></span> <span class="st_twitter_large" displaytext="Tweet"></span> <span class="st_pinterest_large" displaytext="Pinterest"></span> <span class="st_linkedin_large" displaytext="LinkedIn"></span> <span class="st_googleplus_large" displaytext="Google +"></span> <span class="st_email_large" displaytext="Email"></span></div> </header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">Esther Perel has an unmistakeable presence.  The Belgian speaker, therapist, author and TedX sweetheart has been challenging us all, including therapists like myself, to rethink our paradigms around romantic relationships and infidelity.<br /> Recently at the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in DC, I had the opportunity to hear her speak about shifts in romantic relationships and the heart of the matter in modern day affairs.<br /> According to Esther, “expectations put on a romantic relationship are at an all time high” and mirror cultural shifts that have occurred.  There is more ambiguity with roles, social hierarchies and prohibitive religious structures are less intact, there is more freedom for self expression and happiness seeking for the individual is a higher priority.<br /> As we have moved away from community living with families and friends nearby, we have less sense of belonging.  “When we lived in the village we knew everything about the couple; every fight and every fuck,” she said, matter of factly.  As many issues there surely were with such intertwined living, now that the pendulum has swung to the other side and we now face the public health crisis of loneliness.  And couples have become more isolated, often rely on one person, each other, to be their trusted confidante, best friend, best lover and intellectual equal.<br /> <div style="text-align: center;"> <em>“Our modern model for modern marriage is that one person will give us what an entire village used to provide.” </em></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> – Esther Perel</div> This is why the pain around infidelity is different today.  This betrayal can be incredibly traumatic because it threatens the sense of self, challenging the idea that this person was “the one.”  And the digital age of social media, texts and emails can feel like “death by a thousand cuts” to the one who has been betrayed and has discovered messages and other cyber evidence of an affair.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-11046" height="100" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-350x117.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS.jpg 600w" width="300" /></a></div> <strong>What lies at the heart of an affair?</strong><br /> Esther reports it’s not usually really about the sex.  In her experience, she has found there has been a yearning to bring back some kind of vitality, recapture lost parts, an entitlement to seek out desires or simply be happier than we are.  Some affairs happen after years of monogamy in a relationship where the person never thought they would do such a thing but they feel driven to feel special, important, to beat back a sense of deadness.  And wanting what you can’t have can also be intoxicating.<br /> She touches on the issues that come up around “romantic consumerism,” that we now have thousands of people at our fingertips via dating apps and online sites.  This raises the question, how will you know when you’ve found “the one” with so much choice?<br /> <strong>What can modern couples do differently to preserve their relationships?</strong><br /> <ul> <li>Reconsider the expectations you put on each other.</li> <li>Rely on friends and family for some of your emotional burdens and need for connection.</li> <li>Keep your relationship dynamic fresh with new experiences, breaking up routines and maintaining even a little mystery between each other.</li> <li>Continue to find ways to make each other feel special and prioritized.</li> </ul> Intimate relationships, particularly long term, can inherently run into problems when the couples focus drifts too far away from the living, breathing relationship itself.  Like most plants, it needs attention and water to survive.  Yes, the paradigm around romantic relationships has changed but this doesn’t need to mean they are all destined for failure.  It’s an alert signaling the need for us all to rethink their meaning in the context of the world around us as and maybe most importantly, face and adapt to our societal issue of loneliness head on.<br /> <br /></section></div>

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs Esther Perel has an unmistakeable presence.  T...

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