Relationships and Love

22 Things I've Learned In 22 Years

<div style="text-align: left;"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkO2hzsMGQbJNfWEn1-EovYtW35brPEWKVrAIN0nMcVsAoU4YfoshR_u530IJTuPur6g2rPhKFzU4UWybk8pEqF_ZH-Pjj9lNlhZaeQxELiA0Dam5O7mm89ZBM4fKeJKeD7QCej9JusPo/s1600/22+things+i%2527ve+learned+in+22+years.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt=" this year has made me realise that I have a whole lot of learning to do but also that I 22 Things I've Learned In 22 Years" border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="735" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkO2hzsMGQbJNfWEn1-EovYtW35brPEWKVrAIN0nMcVsAoU4YfoshR_u530IJTuPur6g2rPhKFzU4UWybk8pEqF_ZH-Pjj9lNlhZaeQxELiA0Dam5O7mm89ZBM4fKeJKeD7QCej9JusPo/s1600/22+things+i%2527ve+learned+in+22+years.png" title="22 Things I've Learned In 22 Years" width="336" /></a></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Turning 22 this year has made me realise that I have a whole lot of learning to do but also that I've learnt so many lessons in my life so far. I've made plenty of mistakes and I've learnt from them. I've trusted the wrong people and gotten hurt because of it. I've started making the right decisions for myself and putting myself first. I definitely don't have it all figured out yet but I've learned some valuable life lessons in my 22 years.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>1. Its' 100% ok to not have your life figured out in your early 20s</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Your 20s are for discovering who you are and the things that make you happiest. Don't get stressed about not having a perfect relationship, perfect job and life in your 20s. You'll figure it out someday, but this is your time for learning.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>2. You're definitely not going to be married with kids by the time you're 24</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">You have to laugh at all those times in primary school when you're teacher would ask you what age you wanted to get married at and the majority of your class said 24 or 25. Yep, that's not going to happen. Maybe for some people it does but 24 comes around a lot quicker than you'd expect! 34 is probably a much more accurate estimate for it.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>3. You're going to let the wrong people into your life</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">This is a given. The important thing is to learn not to let those types of people into your life again. These people will hurt you, take advantage of you and not value the amazing things about you. The wrong people will lead you to the right people.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>4. Never feel guilty for putting yourself first</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">If you're a people pleaser like me, you'll know that it's hard to put yourself first instead of doing everything for others. Never feel guilty for not wanting to do something or deciding that something isn't right for you. You don't always have to make decisions based on how it will effect others. It's so important to put your own happiness first at times.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>5. You'll learn how to say no</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">If you're someone who finds it hard to say no to things incase you complicate plans for someone else or don't want to put someone else out of their way, you'll learn that it's so necessary sometimes to say no to things that you don't want to do and not feel guilty about it. It's great to say yes to opportunities but it's also completely ok to say no to things you really don't want to do.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>6. You'll fall in love with the wrong people and have your heart badly broken</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">You're going to fall for some jerks, no questions asked. You're going to fall for a guy who tells you he loves you but really couldn't give a crap about you. You're going to get badly hurt but you're also going to get through it and learn to never let the same horrible people hurt you again like that.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>7. You'll learn to stay away from those types of people</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">You learn from your mistakes, simple as that. You learn to stay away from shitty people and you'll not let anyone hurt you like that again. You'll rise above it and be stronger than before.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>8. You'll lose friends who don't agree with your choices, and that's ok</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">You don't exist to please other people. You're not here to make other people happy and conform to what others think you should be. Don't change yourself because someone doesn't agree with your decisions. Be you and if a friend is unable to accept that you're different to them then maybe they're not a friend after all. Your real friends will stick by you no matter what so only focus your time and energy on them.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>9. A lot of people are out for themselves</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Trust is something you'll learn to give sparingly and cautiously to people. A lot of people don't care about others wellbeing and will do what it takes to succeed. Be wary of people that you think aren't 100% genuine because in most cases, they're not.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>10. It's so so so important to do the things you love on a daily basis</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Your happiness and mental health comes from the things you love. If you do the things you love daily, your happiness will improve so much. Make time everyday to work on that thing that gives you happiness. It's very important to look after your mental health in your 20s.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>11. Don't stress about things that are out of your control</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">If you can't change it or control it, let it go. If it's out of control, release it from your life and forget all about it. Don't dwell on it and erase it from you mind.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>12. Don't try and make peace with a guy who screwed you over</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Forgive if you can and forget that a**hole immediately. Don't stay friends with someone who didn't respect you or treat you like the amazing person you are. Let them get on with their life and be glad that you escaped that mess.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>13. Casual dating is good to discover what type of person you want to be with</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">The more you date people, the more you'll find out what you're attracted to and what type of person you get on best with. Go on dates for fun and enjoy every experience you have with people. Don't be afraid to go on a few dates with different people to find out what your 'type' is.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>14. One of the worst things you can do is compare yourself and your journey to others</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Social media is fake. People post highlight reels of their lives and we can't help but compare how crap our lives seem to theirs. It's great for people to be proud of their accomplishments but not when it seems all too good to be true. Unfollow that person who constantly posts about how amazing their life is. It's having a negative effect on your mind and putting you in reverse rather than making you motivated. I advise to not follow anyone, but instead walk alongside the real ones.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>15. Travel while you have the money and time to do so</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Don't be scared to invest money in yourself by travelling and seeing the world and gaining amazing life experiences. There's no rush to have a house, mortgage, car etc. in your early twenties so make the most of this valuable time and see as much of the world as possible.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>16. It's OK to try things and quit them if you realise they're not for you</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">If you got a new job and realised that it was the complete wrong thing for you, don't feel guilty about quitting to find the job that is right for you. If you take up a new hobby that you're not actually keen on, don't feel like failure for not continuing with it. Try as many things as possible until you find the things that make you happy.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>17. Put yourself in new situations and try as many new things as possible, even if it's nerve wrecking</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">You'll grow so much as a person by putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. Do the things that scare you the most. Take risks. Tick off all of the things on your list of things you've wanted to try. You'll thank yourself for pushing yourself to do new things.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>18. Remind yourself that things will get better</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Even if it seems like they won't, things will get better. In the darkest of days when you're finding it a struggle to keep going, just remember that this is temporary and amazing things are coming when you make the choices to do so. The pain and suffering is tough but you will get through this and you'll be so much stronger for it.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>19. Don't apologise for being you</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Don't change for someone else just because they don't like something about you or don't agree with your choices. As long as you're not hurting anyone and are happy then don't apologise for doing things that you want to do. </span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 29px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b></b></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>20. Don't rush into relationships and enjoy being single</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">People who constantly need to be in relationships are usually lacking in something big in their own lives. If you can't go six months being single then you need to seriously look at what your missing in your own life and why you can't cope on your own. Never rely on someone else for happiness and you should be able to be 100% as a single person on your own without needing anyone else. You need to be able to love yourself before you can love someone else.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>21. If you have a gut feeling that something isn't right, then don't do it</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Always follow your gut. If you have a bad feeling about something, then  you shouldn't go for it. Don't hope for the best if you know somethings not right. Assess every situation and make sure that it won't negatively effect your life.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>22. Never ever give up on the things that make you the most happy</b></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 27px; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">The one strength you have that will get you through the toughest of times are the things that make you genuinely happy. Whether it's playing an instrument, sport, cooking, dancing, writing, or anything that takes away your stress and pain, never give that thing up because it's what will get you through the toughest situations in life.</span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></div> <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Avenir; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;"> <span style="font-kerning: none;">Pin it for later:</span></div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBqEeo3Z3GwzvrUSFfMICLze0DMkJtq7XMUwkv_FX68pwV_4R9YcKXEwldvB7PZO2nbUsxvfPYmam62Xv7lG6kO6jzYcJqEriVs4wCj1S63SlAjimXlADnYOMsnj0o7ctB4aXBgQUhtmM/s1600/22+things+i%2527ve+learned+in+22+years.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt=" this year has made me realise that I have a whole lot of learning to do but also that I 22 Things I've Learned In 22 Years" border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="735" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBqEeo3Z3GwzvrUSFfMICLze0DMkJtq7XMUwkv_FX68pwV_4R9YcKXEwldvB7PZO2nbUsxvfPYmam62Xv7lG6kO6jzYcJqEriVs4wCj1S63SlAjimXlADnYOMsnj0o7ctB4aXBgQUhtmM/s1600/22+things+i%2527ve+learned+in+22+years.png" title="22 Things I've Learned In 22 Years" width="210" /></a></div> </div>

22 Things I've Learned In 22 Years

Turning 22 this year has made me realise that I have a whole lot of learning to do but also that I've learnt so many lessons in my...

8 Qualities A Man Has That Will Make A Girl Tripping

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRby89M2OFMCctp_IPxcQcp8rQIAGSOycsdvrdrA1VjSRr2xozwJ1y7DNqSB-FfO5FDREroIUuJBheDj6HJBBhlJ27oMYNwmrm6hIo5ATkTUCO2jFq8u0w-4RZbcrIyOzBVyZs425rk3k/s1600/ladies-can-say-i-love-you-too.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="369" data-original-width="614" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRby89M2OFMCctp_IPxcQcp8rQIAGSOycsdvrdrA1VjSRr2xozwJ1y7DNqSB-FfO5FDREroIUuJBheDj6HJBBhlJ27oMYNwmrm6hIo5ATkTUCO2jFq8u0w-4RZbcrIyOzBVyZs425rk3k/s320/ladies-can-say-i-love-you-too.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec;"><br /><br /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333px;">The traits in a man that will uniquely make him physically and morally enticing to ladies ranges from his height, voice, mode of dressing and down to other physical attributes </span></span></span><br /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">Below are these qualities; </span><br /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">1. Strong Financial Status </span><br /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">When a guy is wealthy, even if he's crippled, he will get immense desperation from numerous ladies. In fact, most of them will even overlook his bad manners and disability. Times without number, I have seen ladies staring lust fully at guys riding big cars and without shame, they approach to woo these guys. </span><br /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">2. Body Physique </span><br /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">Ladies may not be able to hide their feelings when they spot tall, dark/fair and handsome guys. To make matters more interesting, when the so called guy has six packs, they grill their teeth endlessly. It's even funny that everyday, the same guy becomes their focal point of discussion as if something financially valuable will come out of it.</span><br /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">3. Sexy Voice and Good Grammatical Expression </span><br /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">A guy with cool voice and flawless grammatical expression is often admired by ladies. When such guys call a lady, she rushes with speed of light to pick his calls. Ladies will agree with me that a guy with captivating voice often turn them on and may even self service. Most radio presenters can relate to this. </span><br /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">4. Good Sense of Humour </span><br /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">Having a good sense of humour doesn't mean one should crack stupid jokes or become a notorious clown. Guys who know how to make irate or moody people laugh, top the list of guys being admired by ladies. To be candid, ladies do raise their eye brow when they spot a comedian and it doesn't necessarily means they are glean to his rich pocket alone but also his hilarious nature.</span><br /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">5. Good Dress Sense </span><br /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">A guy whose outfit is simple, neat and classic makes ladies go nuts when they spot him. A grown up man with ragged and tattered wears is such a big turn off for most ladies. Ladies can attest to this fact</span><br /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">6. Diligence and Intelligence </span><br /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">Ladies cherish hard working, focused and clever guys that don't womanize but focus in their careers. </span><br /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">7. Maturity and Respect </span><br /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">It's a pity that guys mistake maturity for over bloated ego. A man is supposed to know how to handle complex situation especially when a lady provokes him. Slapping or beating a lady is totally disrespectful and shameful. Being able to apply tactful acts to calm difficult situation will make him earn the respect and submission from a lady. There is no way these categories of guys will not be adore by ladies. </span><br /> <br style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;" /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">8. Good Cook</span><br /> <span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">I have a friend who knows how to prepare all sort of meals deliciously. This guy's delicacies are so tantalising that even make a married man can abandon his wife meals for that of my friend.</span><span style="background-color: #f6f6ec; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">Ladies who have tasted his meals quickly fall in love and can't take their eyes away from him.</span><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div>

8 Qualities A Man Has That Will Make A Girl Tripping

The traits in a man that will uniquely make him physically and morally enticing to ladies ranges from his height, voice, mode of dressing ...

Trust: A Critical Component of Sexual Intimacy in Committed Relationships

<header class="article-header" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #565656; font-family: Signika, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Sanchez, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 1.5em; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.333em; margin: 0.67em 0px; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility;">
Trust: A Critical Component of Sexual Intimacy in Committed Relationships</h1>
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<img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="500" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Fotolia_65349056_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Fotolia_65349056_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Fotolia_65349056_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Fotolia_65349056_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Fotolia_65349056_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Fotolia_65349056_S.jpg 849w" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; height: auto; max-width: 100%;" width="750" /></div>
</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #565656; font-family: Signika, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; zoom: 1;"><div style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em; text-align: center;">
<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;"><em style="box-sizing: border-box;">Richard Nicastro, PhD, examines how the sexual intimacy stakes rise when you fall in love.  He highlights the conditions that either encourage or discourage trust in a committed relationship.</em></strong></div>
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When love becomes part of the relationship landscape, when the other starts to <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">matter</i> to you, then how they respond takes on a heightened importance. And once love is set into motion, the more you are moved to share and give of yourself to your partner, the more vulnerable you become. Now trust becomes increasingly important to the workings of your relationship.</div>
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Trust isn’t just a concept couples must learn about—rather, it’s a subjective experience that must be repeatedly lived and <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">felt</i>.<i style="box-sizing: border-box;"> </i>When trust is experienced in this way, the relationship offers a secure space for the couple, a space that offers solace and opportunities for deeper sharing and connection. Once <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">mutually</i> established, trust can then quietly recede into the background of the relationship where it continues to support the couple, offering comfort and stability, allowing each person to take the risks necessary for meaningful emotional and sexual expression and connection.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">There are conditions that enhance or violate trust.</strong></div>
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Trust requires certain relationship conditions in order to take hold, and when these conditions are violated, when the foundation of trust is shaken, anxieties and insecurities awaken. The intensity of your trust-insecurities may periodically intrude or they may blanket every aspect of your relationship. A lack of trust (or trust that is doubted/questioned) is emotionally disruptive to all involved, and for emotional and sexual intimacy to be (re)established, trust must first be established.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">Pro-trust Conditions</strong></div>
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<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">accepting / encouraging</span></li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">sensitive / concerned</span></li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">emotionally open</span></li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">responsive / engaged</span></li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">committed / reliable</span></li>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">Anti-trust Conditions</strong></div>
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<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">critical / judgmental</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">aloof / indifferent</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">defensive / closed-off</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">unresponsive / detached</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">erratic / unpredictable<span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;"> </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">            </span></li>
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These behaviors (both pro- and anti-trust) take on particular significance when they come from the person you love and care for. The loved spouse/partner has particular power and influence over you—the power to help you feel secure and connected as well as intensely insecure and anxious. When trust conditions are violated, couples often shift from a secure to an insecure-anxious way of relating (even when anger predominates, the anger is often fueled by undercurrents of anxiety about losing the other).</div>
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<em style="box-sizing: border-box;">“Having sex with someone I didn’t really know or care about was easy. It’s when I fell in love that sex became amazing and dangerous at the same time. All of a sudden, trust and the potential for betrayal became relevant.”</em>~Eric, 33 years old</div>
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During sex, the stakes are always elevated because sexual intimacy is inherently risky emotional business—that is, the level of emotional vulnerability evoked with someone you deeply care about presents both the potential for intimate sharing and authentic contact and, when things go awry, emotional wounding and withdrawal. And during these heightened-vulnerability circumstances, your best intentions may not be enough to circumvent painful misunderstandings.</div>
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Having conversations about the conditions you and your partner each need to enhance trust is important in making these conditions <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">explicitly</i> known to you both. Using the above list of pro- and anti-trust conditions can be a good starting point to jump-start such a discussion. Remember, when trust is solidified, the couple enters an orbit of emotional security surrounding the marriage/relationship, a security that allows for the potential of deeper emotional sharing and sexual exploration and expression.</div>
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Trust: A Critical Component of Sexual Intimacy in Committed Relationships

Trust: A Critical Component of Sexual Intimacy in Committed Relationships Richard Nicastro, PhD, examines how the sexual intimacy stake...

Married Sex Can be Great Sex

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Married Sex Can be Great Sex</h1>
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<em>Richard
 Nicastro, PhD takes a deeper look at married (or long-term 
relationship) sex and some of the unique reasons it can be so 
satisfying.  He encourages couples to understand their ruts and look for
 opportunities for change.</em></div>
You might have read about—or 
personally experienced—the challenges some married couples (or couples 
in long-term relationships) face when it comes to keeping sexual desire 
and sexual passion alive. The newness of a relationship clearly brings 
with it certain perks, one being the euphoria and excitement that seems 
to envelop every aspect of our life (including our sexuality). It’s not 
uncommon for married couples to look back fondly on the days when more 
frequent love-making, greater sexual exploration and risk-taking, and 
heightened sexual intensity were a part of the relationship landscape.<br />
The
 struggle of married couples—as well as couples in long-term 
relationships—to keep sex a rewarding part of their union is the reason I
 created <i>How to Spice Up Your Marriage</i><em>.</em><br />
But this 
is only part of the picture for married couples. Clearly, not all 
couples who have been together for years (or even decades) complain 
about a sexless marriage or have to settle for mediocre sex. In fact, a 
percentage of married couples report that sex within their long-term 
union has benefits they couldn’t have imagined. Even if the frequency of
 sex has diminished, these couples report high levels of sexual 
satisfaction, and a deep and meaningful intimacy that arises from sex.<br />
Let’s turn our attention to five benefits of married sex (as well as sex in a long-term relationship).<br />
<h3>
Sex As an Expression of Love</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“Every time I have sex with my wife, it is an act of deep, profound love.”</em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Ken, married almost twenty years</div>
</blockquote>
It’s
 usually assumed that couples who are married love each other, unless, 
of course, their love has faded and they’re heading for divorce or 
staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of their children. But for 
the many married couples who do love each other, they have the wonderful
 opportunity to express and share their love through sexual expression. 
The entwining of sex and love takes sex to new heights for many 
couples—in these instances, the act of sex itself becomes a powerful way
 to transform the subjective feelings of love into tangible acts of 
loving expression and appreciation.<br />
<h3>
The Benefits of a Shared History</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“Married
 sex is like dancing with a partner you are totally familiar with; it 
makes for a great dance because you know his particular rhythms and 
moves.” </em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Holly, married fourteen year<strong>s</strong></div>
</blockquote>
A
 deep connection arises out of a shared history where trust is 
established. It is through a couple’s shared history that a deeper 
knowing and understanding of the other occurs—a knowing that results not
 just from time spent together, but from ongoing, meaningful 
communication. For intimacy to be nurtured, the evolution of this 
communication must include discussions about one another’s most 
important desires and longings; sexual and emotional likes and dislikes;
 as well as an understanding of each other’s hopes, dreams and 
vulnerabilities.<br />
When this knowing occurs in the bedroom, a sexual
 empathy is set in motion that becomes part of the foundation for a 
couple’s sexual exploration. Great sex arises from sexual empathy: a 
mutual appreciation of what each partner/spouse needs sexually, as well 
as emotionally.<br />
<h3>
A Sexual Foundation Built upon Emotional Security</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“The
 longer we’ve been married, the more secure I feel in our relationship. 
That security allows me to take risks sexually with my wife. I always 
felt sexually anxious the times I had sex and didn’t know the person 
really well.”</em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Michael, married seven years</div>
</blockquote>
When
 you love someone, they have a great deal of power and influence over 
you (there’s no denying this fact). Feelings of insecurity and anxiety 
arise when we start to feel we no longer matter to our partner, that our
 needs and concerns are falling on indifferent ears. But when we feel 
emotionally secure and safe, a whole new world of possibilities is 
opened to us.<br />
Sexually, this might take the form of taking greater
 risks sexually (like it did for Michael in the above quote)–a giving of
 the parts of you no one else gets to see (your emotional 
vulnerabilities, as well as a sharing of your sexual longings and 
fears). This emotional security gives you greater emotional and sexual 
freedom; a freedom to let your guard down and be swept away in the 
mutual pleasures and connecting moments of sexual intimacy.<br />
<h3>
When Sexual Passion and Love Converge</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“I’ve had passion without love and love without passion. Now I have both, and it’s indescribable.” </em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Raquel, married eleven years</div>
</blockquote>
One
 of the common sexual complaints of couples in long-term relationships 
is diminished passion—what was once spontaneously ignited now requires 
effort and planning. Many of these couples might still have a rewarding 
sex life (“We enjoy sex whenever we have it…<i>if</i> we have it…”), 
even if their sexual dance has become somewhat predictable. But for some
 married couples, passion and love have blended, making for mind-blowing
 sex.<br />
These couples aren’t afraid to be sexually adventurous. They
 trust each other enough to try new things and give fully of themselves.
 They communicate effectively about their sexual needs and use their 
deep knowledge of each other to generously give and openly receive 
sexual and sensual pleasure. And, most importantly, these couples create
 a shared space (unencumbered by the stresses and obligations of daily 
life) where sexual passion is allowed to take root.<br />
<h3>
Playing Between the Familiar and the Unknown</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“I
 got so turned on when my wife did something totally unexpected the 
other day…she became a little unrecognizable to me in that moment, and I
 have to admit, it was hot…”</em><i> </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Daniel, married four years</div>
</blockquote>
Part
 of the emotional security married couples take comfort in arises out of
 the familiar and predictable routines that come to define their 
couplehood. Psychologist Esther Perel, in her brilliant book <i>Mating in Captivity</i>
 describes how a certain level of emotional closeness (the hallmark of a
 loving marriage) also has the potential to extinguish sexual desire. 
It’s when a level of psychological separateness occurs that the other 
person can be seen and experienced; and it is in this contact with a 
separate other that the fires of sexual passion are able to ignite.<br />
Why
 does this make married sex so amazing? It’s a very different experience
 having someone you know well (your spouse/partner) let go sexually 
and/or act in a surprising or provocative manner, compared to someone 
you’ve just met or don’t know so well. Married couples are in an 
enviable position in this regard since they can bounce back and forth 
between the familiar/secure and the novel/tantalizing. In the psychic 
space between these seemingly contradictory experiences, a tension 
exists, a tension that can fan the flames of sexual desire and allows 
for passion’s potential.<br />
While the above list is by no means 
exhaustive, it does point to some important benefits that married 
couples can enjoy when it comes to sex. The loss of sexual intimacy and 
passion in long-term relationships is not an <i>inevitable</i> outcome 
of domesticity. In fact, couples who have been together for a long time 
have unique opportunities to build upon their emotional foundations of 
love and security, whether this involves nurturing love and emotional 
intimacy through sex, or pushing against each other’s sexual boundaries 
in order to stimulate moments of sexual excitement.<br />
The challenge 
is for married couples to identify any routines that may have led to 
relationship and sexual ruts, the routines they may too heavily rely on 
out of habit or complacency. Once those routines are identified, you can
 create and nurture opportunities that make your sex life a rich and 
meaningful part of your marriage or long-term relationship.</section>

Married Sex Can be Great Sex

Married Sex Can be Great Sex Richard Nicastro, PhD takes a deeper look at married (or long-term relationship) sex and some o...

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”

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Sexual Interest in Relationships:  Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”</h1>
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<strong>Richard
 Nicastro, PhD digs deeper into the important relationship dynamic of 
sexual interest.  While acknowledging the normalcy of an imbalance, he 
suggests the shortest route to a solution that works for both couples is
 understanding and empathy for these differences.</strong></div>
There 
are certain relationship dynamics that impact a couple’s sex life and 
certain relational dynamics that arise from their sexual relationship. 
One particular pattern has to do with the expectations that result when 
one partner wants more frequent sex than the other—when one partner 
wants sex and the other can take it or leave it (and more often then not
 prefers to leave it).<br />
There is a scene in Woody Allen’s film 
Annie Hall that captures this dilemma. The main character Alvy (played 
by Woody Allen) is talking to his therapist, and when the therapist asks
 if Alvy and his partner are sleeping together, Alvy states, “Hardly 
ever, maybe three times a week.” The next scene is Alvy’s partner Annie 
(played by Diane Keaton) talking to her therapist, and when Annie’s 
therapist asks if she is having sex with Alvy, she responds, 
“Constantly, I’d say three times a week.”<br />
<em>One partner’s sexual deprivation might be another’s sexual saturation.</em><br />
It’s
 not uncommon for couples to have an imbalance in sexual desire and 
sexual interest. Navigating these waters can be a real challenge, with 
misunderstandings, power struggles and feelings of rejection resulting. 
This is particularly the case for the person who feels loved through 
sex. In these instances, the answer “No, I’m not in the mood” can feel 
like an emotional sledgehammer instead of a simple truth-of-the-moment 
for the other.<br />
<h3>
No Sexual Interest: Understanding Your Partner’s Sexual Experiences and Expectations</h3>
<h4>
The Parter with Low-To-No Interest in Sex</h4>
Imagine
 that you’re being asked to do something you really don’t want to do. 
Now imagine being asked this week after week, month after month. You’d 
probably get pretty frustrated at some point, and you might even find 
yourself becoming angry with the person making these unwanted requests. 
For some people with little-to-no-sexual desire, requests for sex can 
feel laborious. As one wife described: “Every time my husband wants sex,
 I hear myself internally yelling, ‘No, not again!’”<br />
This same 
wife also shared that after she does have sex with her husband, she 
anticipates a sexual respite for a while. She even joked, “After I get 
my teeth cleaned I can take comfort in the fact that it won’t happen for
 another six months!”<br />
So for the person with no sexual interest or desire, after sex has occurred, their mindset might look something like:<br />
<ul>
<li>A commitment/duty has just been met (“one that I’m not that crazy about”);</li>
<li>And
 since this obligation has been recently fulfilled, there is now the 
expectation that there will be a period of time with no sex;</li>
<li>If this “no sex” zone isn’t respected, tension or anger may result.</li>
</ul>
<h4>
Heightened Sexual Interest: Understanding The Partner with High Interest in Sex</h4>
Whenever
 this partner has sex, his/her experience is one of being fed 
emotionally and sexually. This sexual hunger doesn’t have an on-off 
switch and it doesn’t become completely satiated for long. In fact, a 
once-in-a-while sexual experience can feel like it is only highlighting 
what is missing, what this person believes should be occurring more 
frequently.<br />
Adrian has been married to his wife for six years. 
He’s always had a high sex drive and would prefer to have sex about five
 times a week. His wife’s libido is much quieter, and she can go for 
weeks without even thinking about sex. He described becoming physically 
uncomfortable if he goes too long not having sex, and the longer he 
waits, the more he thinks about and fantasizes about sex.<br />
After having sex with their partner, the high sex drive individual’s experience may appear as follows:<br />
<ul>
<li>They feel like a vital need has been met and therefore feel emotionally closer to their partner;</li>
<li>They eagerly anticipate future sexual experiences and hope that this will happen sooner rather than later;</li>
<li>As
 time passes and they are faced with a string of unmet sexual advances, 
they become increasingly tense and irritable. They can start to feel 
unwanted and may even feel like something is wrong with them for 
“wanting so much sex”;</li>
<li>After prolonged rejections, they may even
 try to suppress sexual longings (a suppression that may ultimately lead
 to underlying resentments).</li>
</ul>
When you consider the 
subjective experiences of each partner (low-desire and high-desire), you
 can see how they are worlds apart not only in their desire to have sex,
 but also in what it’s like for each of them to have and <em>not</em> to have sex.<br />
There are no easy “solutions” to such discrepancies. These differences create <em>tensions</em>
 (both within each person and between the couple as a whole) that need 
to be consciously managed and negotiated. This process starts with an 
honest, non-judgmental awareness of each other: what it’s like to have 
sex when you don’t want to, what it’s like to not have sex when you feel
 overwhelmed by the desire to have sex.<br />
When empathy becomes part of the communication field, <em>mutual understanding</em> allows for these tensions to be looked at and worked through together, rather than by just one of you.</section>

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High” Richard Nicastro, PhD digs deeper into...

Does Your Relationship Have a Strong Negativity Bias?

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Does Your Relationship Have a Strong Negativity Bias?</h1>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">A
 common thread in my couples therapy practice with those who struggle to
 make change is a strong negativity bias.  The needle on the “Geiger 
counter” of their relationship is bouncing up and down in the red.  In 
the worst cases, they are hostile, adversarial, mistrusting and believe 
they are experts on each other, convinced that they “know” exactly how 
the other feels.  And it’s not good.<br />
“He doesn’t even like me.”<br />
“She has one foot out of the marriage.”<br />
“He wishes he would have married ___.”<br />
“She is only staying in the marriage because of our child.”<br />
In psychology-speak, a “negativity bias” refers to the neuroscience of feeling threatened.  Rick Hanson, PhD explains below:<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“In
 your brain, there are separate (though interacting) systems for 
negative and positive stimuli.  Negative stimuli produce more neural 
activity than do equally intense (e.g., loud, bright) positive ones. 
They are also perceived more easily and quickly. For example, people in 
studies can identify angry faces faster than happy ones; even if they 
are shown these images so quickly (just a tenth of a second or so) that 
they cannot have any conscious recognition of them, the ancient 
fight-or-flight limbic system of the brain will still get activated by 
the angry faces.” </em></div>
People have 
varying degrees of negativity bias.  Those with trauma or challenged 
family of origin experiences are often vulnerable to a stronger 
negativity bias than someone with a secure upbringing, strong sense of 
self and no traumatic experiences.  The brain is wired for fear or 
security…and many shades of grey in between.<br />
Thankfully, we have 
learned that a negativity bias can be challenged by noticing the good, 
gratitude, mindfulness and other positive practices that can rewire the 
brain.<br />
<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<strong>A negativity bias can exist in relationships too.</strong></h2>
The
 couple with the Geiger bouncing up and down at the extreme end of the 
negative side are going to be stuck unless they work together to counter
 the negative with positive, to move the needle slowly towards their 
ability to make room for benefit of the doubt and willingness to be 
vulnerable.  The idea is to build good will again, to create an 
environment where your partner feels he/she can put down the sword and 
shield.  You are BOTH responsible for this.<br />
<strong>11 Ways to Counter the Negativity Bias in Your Relationship</strong><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-300x225.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-10762" height="225" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-300x225.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-300x225.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-181x136.jpg 181w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-190x142.jpg 190w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-350x263.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS.jpg 400w" width="300" /></a></div>
<ol>
<li>Begin each day with a positive statement or greeting for each other.</li>
<li>In transitional moments, (coming or going, one going to bed, etc), say hello, goodbye, goodnight with an affectionate gesture.</li>
<li>Notice aloud what is going well.  “That’s great that you got a bonus, you’ve worked hard.”</li>
<li>Show appreciation.  “That was a really delicious meal, thank you.”</li>
<li>Offer
 help.  If you see something you can do to help your partner, offer it 
up.  “Would you like me to make Sarah’s school lunch tomorrow to give 
you a break?”</li>
<li>Check in.  Make an effort to ask each other how you are doing to demonstrate care.</li>
<li>Make time.  Schedule a walk or lunch with each other.  Show each other that you <em>want</em> to be there.</li>
<li>Repair if needed.  If you mess up, apologize right away.  This will not be a straight line.</li>
<li>Be open.  A repair attempt will do no good if you are not open to possibilities.  Change cannot happen either.</li>
<li>State your needs.  Make sure you’ve articulated what you need in the relationship to give your partner a chance to respond.</li>
<li>Try again.  Don’t allow resentment and sensitivity derail the process.  Know that it’s hard work and perfection doesn’t exist.</li>
</ol>
Remember
 that your goal is to create an environment for your relationship to 
heal.  Practice empathy for your partner and self-compassion, as after 
all, such a strong negativity bias was born out of wounds (perceived or 
real).  It’s a natural drive to be self protective in matters of the 
heart.  The hope is to shift the dynamic so you both feel the other is 
truly there and can be leaned upon.<br />
Intimate relationships are second to parent-child relationships in vulnerability and need to feel emotionally safe.</section></div>

Does Your Relationship Have a Strong Negativity Bias?

Does Your Relationship Have a Strong Negativity Bias? A common thread in my couples therapy practice with those who struggle ...

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know

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Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know</h1>
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Fresh
 off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington 
DC, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop with John Gottman.  Dr. 
Gottman is a dominant figure on the relationship research and couples 
therapy scene since the mid 80’s, when he began observing couples 
fighting in his “original couples laboratory,” dubbed the Love Lab.  His
 findings provided some of the scientific underpinnings of what we know 
about what maintains and erodes intimate relationships.</div>
</div>
</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">The Love Lab has been given new life and a new name; the Gottman Love Lab Experience is
 now being offered as “the world’s first science-based relationship 
evaluation service,” measuring three primary important areas of your 
relationship; friendship, conflict and shared meaning.<br />
Along with 
this cutting edge assessment opportunity for couples who are able to 
make it to Seattle, Washington, he is also offering therapists a new 
online tool, the Gottman Relationship Checkup, providing the ability to 
receive a score reviewing couples strengths and vulnerabilities, with 
feedback for possible treatment suggestions.<br />
From a recent study 
Dr. Gottman conducted of 40,000 Relationship Checkup participants, he 
has new data.  I compiled some relationship research nuggets on 
heterosexual couples from his presentation.  You might find some of the 
results surprising!<br />
<strong>For how many couples in therapy is at least one partner considering an exit?</strong>   66%<br />
82% of couples are having problems with <strong>loneliness in the relationship</strong><br />
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<strong>What About Problems with Intimacy and Sex?</strong><br />
Romance 83%<br />
Sex Quality 55%<br />
Sex Frequency 49%<br />
<strong>How many partners had problems with trust?</strong>   66%<br />
<br />
<strong>The Top 3 Things Couples Fight About</strong><br />
86% Not having fun anymore<br />
76% Finances<br />
74% No emotional connection<br />
Speaking
 of conflict, the biggest obstacle to productively navigating conflict 
in relationships is flooding.  This means the heart gets to 100 beats 
per minute which makes it nearly impossible to communicate from a calm, 
grounded place as your physiology will get the best of you.  In fact, 
when flooded, communication can be erratic, irrational and possibly 
damaging to the relationship.  The antidote is self-soothing or helping 
each other soothe, if possible.  Sometimes leaving the situation (in a 
structured time out) is the best thing a couple can do for a 
relationship.<br />
<strong>96% of couples are flooded during conflict</strong><br />
Though
 I didn’t catch all of the numbers Dr. Gottman shared at his 
presentation, particularly the gay and lesbian stats, what I did notice 
was a trend demonstrating that compared to heterosexual couples, they 
did a much better job with conflict and communication.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><em>“As far as interaction, gay and lesbian couples really have a lot to teach heterosexual couples.” </em></strong></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
– John Gottman</div>
Something
 to think about.  I will leave you with one more nugget and it’s an 
important one to consider for those who are struggling in married or 
long term relationships:  The #1 predictor of divorce is contempt.  If 
you are calling your partner names, assassinating their character or 
hitting below the belt in other ways…and you would like to save your 
relationship, please seek counseling for help.</section></div>

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know Fresh off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Sympos...

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

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<header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline">
Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs</h1>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">Esther
 Perel has an unmistakeable presence.  The Belgian speaker, therapist, 
author and TedX sweetheart has been challenging us all, including 
therapists like myself, to rethink our paradigms around romantic 
relationships and infidelity.<br />
Recently at the Psychotherapy 
Networker Symposium in DC, I had the opportunity to hear her speak about
 shifts in romantic relationships and the heart of the matter in modern 
day affairs.<br />
According to Esther, “expectations put on a romantic 
relationship are at an all time high” and mirror cultural shifts that 
have occurred.  There is more ambiguity with roles, social hierarchies 
and prohibitive religious structures are less intact, there is more 
freedom for self expression and happiness seeking for the individual is a
 higher priority.<br />
As we have moved away from community living with
 families and friends nearby, we have less sense of belonging.  “When we
 lived in the village we knew everything about the couple; every fight 
and every fuck,” she said, matter of factly.  As many issues there 
surely were with such intertwined living, now that the pendulum has 
swung to the other side and we now face the public health crisis of 
loneliness.  And couples have become more isolated, often rely on one 
person, each other, to be their trusted confidante, best friend, best 
lover and intellectual equal.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“Our modern model for modern marriage is that one person will give us what an entire village used to provide.” </em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
– Esther Perel</div>
This
 is why the pain around infidelity is different today.  This betrayal 
can be incredibly traumatic because it threatens the sense of self, 
challenging the idea that this person was “the one.”  And the digital 
age of social media, texts and emails can feel like “death by a thousand
 cuts” to the one who has been betrayed and has discovered messages and 
other cyber evidence of an affair.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-11046" height="100" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-300x100.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS-350x117.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Fotolia_194581581_XS.jpg 600w" width="300" /></a></div>
<strong>What lies at the heart of an affair?</strong><br />
Esther
 reports it’s not usually really about the sex.  In her experience, she 
has found there has been a yearning to bring back some kind of vitality,
 recapture lost parts, an entitlement to seek out desires or simply be 
happier than we are.  Some affairs happen after years of monogamy in a 
relationship where the person never thought they would do such a thing 
but they feel driven to feel special, important, to beat back a sense of
 deadness.  And wanting what you can’t have can also be intoxicating.<br />
She
 touches on the issues that come up around “romantic consumerism,” that 
we now have thousands of people at our fingertips via dating apps and 
online sites.  This raises the question, how will you know when you’ve 
found “the one” with so much choice?<br />
<strong>What can modern couples do differently to preserve their relationships?</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>Reconsider the expectations you put on each other.</li>
<li>Rely on friends and family for some of your emotional burdens and need for connection.</li>
<li>Keep
 your relationship dynamic fresh with new experiences, breaking up 
routines and maintaining even a little mystery between each other.</li>
<li>Continue to find ways to make each other feel special and prioritized.</li>
</ul>
Intimate
 relationships, particularly long term, can inherently run into problems
 when the couples focus drifts too far away from the living, breathing 
relationship itself.  Like most plants, it needs attention and water to 
survive.  Yes, the paradigm around romantic relationships has changed 
but this doesn’t need to mean they are all destined for failure.  It’s 
an alert signaling the need for us all to rethink their meaning in the 
context of the world around us as and maybe most importantly, face and 
adapt to our societal issue of loneliness head on.<br />
<br /></section></div>

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs Esther Perel has an unmistakeable presence. T...

3 Roadblocks to Forgiveness in Relationships

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<header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline">
3 Roadblocks to Forgiveness in Relationships</h1>
<div class="single-featured-image">
<img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Fotolia_39595257_S-750x500.jpg" width="640" /></div>
</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody"><div style="text-align: center;">
Dr.
 Richard Nicastro, PsyD, explores things that complicate forgiveness in 
relationships.  Sometimes the part of us that feels truly indignant 
remains rigid.  Can you get to a place where letting it go is possible?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
—–</div>
<strong>Imagine this scenario:</strong><br />
Your
 spouse/partner has wounded you in some way. S/he has now expressed what
 feels like genuine remorse to you. Maybe you’ve even said you accept 
the apology you were offered, but now you’re wondering whether that was 
just lip service, because you don’t feel forgiving at all. Quite the 
contrary. You feel frozen in an anti-forgiveness stance.<br />
However, 
you really and truly want to forgive. You don’t think your partner is 
going to repeat the behavior that caused the hurt. You know that 
forgiveness is good for you, that holding onto resentment will 
ultimately rob you of peace.<br />
And yet, you can’t forgive him/her. Why?<br />
<h2>
<strong>What’s holding you back? Obstacles to forgiveness</strong></h2>
The
 mind is powerful, complicated, and incredibly nuanced. And to make it 
even more complex, there are different levels of mind: there’s the 
conscious mind that we’re in touch with, but there’s a whole ’nother 
level that’s at work beneath the surface, while we’re carpooling the 
kids or weeding the garden or prepping for a work presentation.<br />
We
 don’t need to stop what we’re doing to zero in on what’s going on in 
our subconscious, but there are times (like when we feel stuck, despite 
our best efforts) when it pays to dig a bit deeper.<br />
So, in the 
above scenario, if your mate has sincerely apologized for what s/he has 
done to hurt you, if you really do want to forgive your mate, and yet 
you don’t feel able to, you may have some subconscious (aka, sneaky) 
barriers in the way.<br />
The bad news is that those barriers aren’t 
always easy to identify. And sometimes, even when we do, the level of 
discomfort in the wake of discovery can be so great — “That’s crazy! I 
don’t have guilt! What would I be guilty about? After all, it wasn’t my 
bad!” — that the mind resorts to a defense mechanism to protect itself 
and rejects the revelation altogether.<br />
The good news, however, is 
that once you ID the obstacles in your way to forgiveness, they tend to 
dissolve and allow you to proceed with your conscious wish to forgive. 
It’s almost as if uncovering the barriers sends the mind the memo that 
it doesn’t need to keep those roadblocks in place any longer.<br />
<h3>
<strong>Common barriers to forgiveness: Shame, guilt, and fear</strong></h3>
<strong>Shame</strong><br />
Shame
 is a powerful force in human life, and it can masquerade as other 
emotions, which is why it can be hard to detect, and yet it can impact 
your relationships and decisions just the same.<br />
To make it even trickier, shame is often highly illogical. This means that at times we can feel ashamed in situations that<img alt="" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-8633" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S.jpg 849w" width="300" />
 objectively, we know shouldn’t provoke shame. For instance, your friend
 tells you about her big promotion at work, and you feel an intense wave
 of shame over the fact that you haven’t been upwardly mobile. The shame
 is so acute that you want to hide from her, even though she’s just 
sharing with you (not competing), and you work in different fields and 
she’s not comparing your careers at all.<br />
Unlike guilt, which is 
usually connected to a discrete event, shame can make you feel like 
you’re the problem, not just something you’ve done or haven’t done. 
Shame seeps into who you are as a person, causing you to feel unworthy.<br />
If
 you have been actively trying to forgive your mate for a wounding but 
have been unsuccessful, shame may be blocking your path to forgiveness. 
You may subconsciously feel like you aren’t worthy of his/her apology 
and that therefore you aren’t in a position where you have the “right” 
to confer forgiveness upon anyone.<br />
<strong>Guilt</strong><br />
Guilt
 is as common as mud, right? And it is mud, in a way, gumming up the 
works, weighing you down, dirtying what was once clean until it’s beyond
 recognition.<br />
Feeling guilty about something or other is so common
 that it may sound cliche to consider it. But identifying an emotion as 
commonplace doesn’t make it less likely to be at work in your life.<br />
Your knee-jerk reaction might be, “But I don’t feel guilty. So I must not be.”<br />
Ultimately,
 guilt may not be gumming up your forgiveness works. But you won’t know 
that if you give in to the knee-jerk dismissal. Rather, sit with it for a
 while and give yourself the mental space to contemplate this. Guilt, 
like shame, can expend most of its energy beneath the surface of your 
awareness, which means it might not readily show itself when you go 
looking.<br />
As the partner put in the position of forgiver, guilt 
might be stirred in you if a small part of you wonders whether you were 
somehow partially culpable for your mate’s transgression. You might 
guiltily think you owe your partner an apology too, though you may balk 
at putting yourself in what you see as a “groveling” position.<br />
After
 all, as the forgiver, you have the upper hand, so to speak. The balance
 of power is skewed to you in the moment. That, also, can make you feel 
guilty, the truth that you like feeling more powerful than your partner.<br />
<strong>Fear</strong><br />
There
 are some people who say that there really are only two emotions, love 
and fear, and that all other emotions are merely offshoots of one of 
those (for instance, anger is a byproduct of fear, though the fear isn’t
 consciously felt while the anger rages).<br />
Whether you’re of that 
camp or not, it’s hard to deny that love and fear are among the most 
powerful of the emotions. So it’s no surprise that fear has landed on 
the list of barriers to forgiveness, especially when you’re trying to 
forgive someone you love.<br />
Again, fear may not be the presenting 
emotion. Fear may not be the most obvious experience for you at first 
glance. But underneath it all, you may be fearful that if you forgive 
your mate you’ll be opening yourself up to more hurt. Perhaps you’re not
 fully convinced that s/he won’t commit the same transgression in the 
future. Or you might fear that forgiving your partner will cause you to 
be more vulnerable and therefore exposed to a different type of hurt.<br />
Forgiving,
 in a real way, is setting down your grievance, is laying down your 
metaphoric shield and weapon. And aren’t we all defenseless without our 
armor?<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>—–</b></div>
Forgiveness is 
not some theoretical concept that only some of us have to grapple with —
 it’s a real-life question that we will all face at some point or 
another, whether to forgive or to double-down on our indignation over 
being treated unfairly.<br />
Some of us learn to forgive because we are
 forced into a corner. In these moments, we come face-to-face with how 
holding onto our grievances is actually hurting us. Others work on 
forgiveness before heading down that dead-end road. Either way, taking 
the steps to identify common obstacles to forgiveness can clear a path 
to a more harmonious inner life when you’re ready.</section></div>

3 Roadblocks to Forgiveness in Relationships

3 Roadblocks to Forgiveness in Relationships Dr. Richard Nicastro, PsyD, explores things that complicate forgiveness in relationship...

How to Sabotage Your Relationships by Not Owning Your Stuff

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<header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline">
How to Sabotage Your Relationships by Not Owning Your Stuff</h1>
<div class="single-featured-image">
<img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S.jpg 849w" width="640" /></div>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">If
 you’re wondering why your relationships often go awry or seem more 
difficult than they should be, perhaps it’s time to consider your role. 
 “I have a role?” you ask.  Yes, you just might.  The baggage you’ve 
been carrying could be weighing you AND your relationships down.<br />
There
 are many ways that your stuff can get in the way of how you relate to 
people.  What is your narrative about yourself and how others will treat
 you?  Your value?  This story plays out as an <em>underlying belief system</em>
 in which you filter how you see the world.  You might be unconsciously 
scanning your environment for evidence to support your story.  What if 
your story is inaccurate?<br />
Here are some possible ways you might be sabotaging your relationships by not owning your stuff:<br />
<ul>
<li>You
 have rigid expectations of how others are with with you and can be 
easily disappointed, leading you to cut off from people –><ul>
<li>Underlying Belief:  <strong>People will let me down.</strong></li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>You
 are a people pleaser to avoid conflict but you carry resentment for 
doing more than your share or being taken advantage of –><ul>
<li>Underlying Belief:  <strong>People will reject or abandon me unless I make them happy.</strong></li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>You struggle to let intimate partners in too close to you yet desperately want connection. –><ul>
<li>Underlying Belief:  <strong>I am unlovable</strong> …or… <strong>Intimate relationships</strong> <strong>can’t be trusted.</strong></li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>There is a big difference between how your portray yourself to others and how you feel.  –><ul>
<li>Underlying Belief:  <strong>I am not ok</strong>…or…<strong>There is something wrong with me.</strong></li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
Belief
 systems such as the ones above can develop from painful experiences or 
messages received from the important people in your life about 
connection, love, safety and your value.  This can reflect itself in 
unhealthy relationship patterns.  You might even be attracting partners 
who reinforce your negative story!<br />
If you’ve never worked through 
your painful experiences, you can inadvertently sabotage your 
relationships with your narrative.  You might ASSUME that things happen a
 certain way and these expectations can either make it be so (self 
fulfilling prophecy) or make it hard to believe someone’s intentions.  
This can also ultimately lead to a self fulfilling prophecy when the 
partner who never gains trust finally leaves because it’s too painful to
 stay!<br />
If you take ownership of your wounds and the strategies in 
which you developed to defend against further pain, your world view can 
actually shift.  Self-love, fulfilling relationships and a sense of 
peace become possible.<br />
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<strong>How to unwind out of a painful past</strong><br />
If you can do the following three things, you have a great chance of lightening your load and break out of unhealthy patterns.<br />
<ol>
<li>Identify your issues.</li>
<li>Understand the source of the problem.</li>
<li>Resolve the issues with deeper level change.</li>
</ol>
This
 can be done by finding a local therapist to help, processing with a 
trusted friend or diving into the world of self help if you’re more of a
 “Do-It-Yourself” type.  Check out my mini guide, Break Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns for a step in the right direction.<br />
What
 you’re trying to avoid is inadvertently sabotaging your relationships 
with unresolved emotional issues.  This deeper kind of work is the 
ultimate act of self-care for YOU and your relationships, potentially 
with life long impact.<br />
Be well.</section></div>

How to Sabotage Your Relationships by Not Owning Your Stuff

How to Sabotage Your Relationships by Not Owning Your Stuff If you’re wondering why your relationships often go awry or seem ...