Relationships and Love: Intimacy and Sex

Trust: A Critical Component of Sexual Intimacy in Committed Relationships

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Trust: A Critical Component of Sexual Intimacy in Committed Relationships</h1>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;"><em style="box-sizing: border-box;">Richard Nicastro, PhD, examines how the sexual intimacy stakes rise when you fall in love.  He highlights the conditions that either encourage or discourage trust in a committed relationship.</em></strong></div>
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When love becomes part of the relationship landscape, when the other starts to <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">matter</i> to you, then how they respond takes on a heightened importance. And once love is set into motion, the more you are moved to share and give of yourself to your partner, the more vulnerable you become. Now trust becomes increasingly important to the workings of your relationship.</div>
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Trust isn’t just a concept couples must learn about—rather, it’s a subjective experience that must be repeatedly lived and <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">felt</i>.<i style="box-sizing: border-box;"> </i>When trust is experienced in this way, the relationship offers a secure space for the couple, a space that offers solace and opportunities for deeper sharing and connection. Once <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">mutually</i> established, trust can then quietly recede into the background of the relationship where it continues to support the couple, offering comfort and stability, allowing each person to take the risks necessary for meaningful emotional and sexual expression and connection.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">There are conditions that enhance or violate trust.</strong></div>
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</h3>
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Trust requires certain relationship conditions in order to take hold, and when these conditions are violated, when the foundation of trust is shaken, anxieties and insecurities awaken. The intensity of your trust-insecurities may periodically intrude or they may blanket every aspect of your relationship. A lack of trust (or trust that is doubted/questioned) is emotionally disruptive to all involved, and for emotional and sexual intimacy to be (re)established, trust must first be established.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">Pro-trust Conditions</strong></div>
<ul style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 1em 0px 1em 1.5em; padding: 0px 0px 0px 1.5em;">
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">accepting / encouraging</span></li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">sensitive / concerned</span></li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">emotionally open</span></li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">responsive / engaged</span></li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">committed / reliable</span></li>
</ul>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">Anti-trust Conditions</strong></div>
<ul style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 1em 0px 1em 1.5em; padding: 0px 0px 0px 1.5em;">
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">critical / judgmental</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">aloof / indifferent</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">defensive / closed-off</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">unresponsive / detached</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">erratic / unpredictable<span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;"> </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 1em; line-height: 1.6em;">            </span></li>
</ul>
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These behaviors (both pro- and anti-trust) take on particular significance when they come from the person you love and care for. The loved spouse/partner has particular power and influence over you—the power to help you feel secure and connected as well as intensely insecure and anxious. When trust conditions are violated, couples often shift from a secure to an insecure-anxious way of relating (even when anger predominates, the anger is often fueled by undercurrents of anxiety about losing the other).</div>
<div style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em; text-align: center;">
<em style="box-sizing: border-box;">“Having sex with someone I didn’t really know or care about was easy. It’s when I fell in love that sex became amazing and dangerous at the same time. All of a sudden, trust and the potential for betrayal became relevant.”</em>~Eric, 33 years old</div>
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During sex, the stakes are always elevated because sexual intimacy is inherently risky emotional business—that is, the level of emotional vulnerability evoked with someone you deeply care about presents both the potential for intimate sharing and authentic contact and, when things go awry, emotional wounding and withdrawal. And during these heightened-vulnerability circumstances, your best intentions may not be enough to circumvent painful misunderstandings.</div>
<div style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
Having conversations about the conditions you and your partner each need to enhance trust is important in making these conditions <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">explicitly</i> known to you both. Using the above list of pro- and anti-trust conditions can be a good starting point to jump-start such a discussion. Remember, when trust is solidified, the couple enters an orbit of emotional security surrounding the marriage/relationship, a security that allows for the potential of deeper emotional sharing and sexual exploration and expression.</div>
</section>

Trust: A Critical Component of Sexual Intimacy in Committed Relationships

Trust: A Critical Component of Sexual Intimacy in Committed Relationships Richard Nicastro, PhD, examines how the sexual intimacy stakes rise when you fall in love. He highlights the conditions that…

12 Jun 2018

Married Sex Can be Great Sex

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Married Sex Can be Great Sex</h1>
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<em>Richard
 Nicastro, PhD takes a deeper look at married (or long-term 
relationship) sex and some of the unique reasons it can be so 
satisfying.  He encourages couples to understand their ruts and look for
 opportunities for change.</em></div>
You might have read about—or 
personally experienced—the challenges some married couples (or couples 
in long-term relationships) face when it comes to keeping sexual desire 
and sexual passion alive. The newness of a relationship clearly brings 
with it certain perks, one being the euphoria and excitement that seems 
to envelop every aspect of our life (including our sexuality). It’s not 
uncommon for married couples to look back fondly on the days when more 
frequent love-making, greater sexual exploration and risk-taking, and 
heightened sexual intensity were a part of the relationship landscape.<br />
The
 struggle of married couples—as well as couples in long-term 
relationships—to keep sex a rewarding part of their union is the reason I
 created <i>How to Spice Up Your Marriage</i><em>.</em><br />
But this 
is only part of the picture for married couples. Clearly, not all 
couples who have been together for years (or even decades) complain 
about a sexless marriage or have to settle for mediocre sex. In fact, a 
percentage of married couples report that sex within their long-term 
union has benefits they couldn’t have imagined. Even if the frequency of
 sex has diminished, these couples report high levels of sexual 
satisfaction, and a deep and meaningful intimacy that arises from sex.<br />
Let’s turn our attention to five benefits of married sex (as well as sex in a long-term relationship).<br />
<h3>
Sex As an Expression of Love</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“Every time I have sex with my wife, it is an act of deep, profound love.”</em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Ken, married almost twenty years</div>
</blockquote>
It’s
 usually assumed that couples who are married love each other, unless, 
of course, their love has faded and they’re heading for divorce or 
staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of their children. But for 
the many married couples who do love each other, they have the wonderful
 opportunity to express and share their love through sexual expression. 
The entwining of sex and love takes sex to new heights for many 
couples—in these instances, the act of sex itself becomes a powerful way
 to transform the subjective feelings of love into tangible acts of 
loving expression and appreciation.<br />
<h3>
The Benefits of a Shared History</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“Married
 sex is like dancing with a partner you are totally familiar with; it 
makes for a great dance because you know his particular rhythms and 
moves.” </em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Holly, married fourteen year<strong>s</strong></div>
</blockquote>
A
 deep connection arises out of a shared history where trust is 
established. It is through a couple’s shared history that a deeper 
knowing and understanding of the other occurs—a knowing that results not
 just from time spent together, but from ongoing, meaningful 
communication. For intimacy to be nurtured, the evolution of this 
communication must include discussions about one another’s most 
important desires and longings; sexual and emotional likes and dislikes;
 as well as an understanding of each other’s hopes, dreams and 
vulnerabilities.<br />
When this knowing occurs in the bedroom, a sexual
 empathy is set in motion that becomes part of the foundation for a 
couple’s sexual exploration. Great sex arises from sexual empathy: a 
mutual appreciation of what each partner/spouse needs sexually, as well 
as emotionally.<br />
<h3>
A Sexual Foundation Built upon Emotional Security</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“The
 longer we’ve been married, the more secure I feel in our relationship. 
That security allows me to take risks sexually with my wife. I always 
felt sexually anxious the times I had sex and didn’t know the person 
really well.”</em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Michael, married seven years</div>
</blockquote>
When
 you love someone, they have a great deal of power and influence over 
you (there’s no denying this fact). Feelings of insecurity and anxiety 
arise when we start to feel we no longer matter to our partner, that our
 needs and concerns are falling on indifferent ears. But when we feel 
emotionally secure and safe, a whole new world of possibilities is 
opened to us.<br />
Sexually, this might take the form of taking greater
 risks sexually (like it did for Michael in the above quote)–a giving of
 the parts of you no one else gets to see (your emotional 
vulnerabilities, as well as a sharing of your sexual longings and 
fears). This emotional security gives you greater emotional and sexual 
freedom; a freedom to let your guard down and be swept away in the 
mutual pleasures and connecting moments of sexual intimacy.<br />
<h3>
When Sexual Passion and Love Converge</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“I’ve had passion without love and love without passion. Now I have both, and it’s indescribable.” </em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Raquel, married eleven years</div>
</blockquote>
One
 of the common sexual complaints of couples in long-term relationships 
is diminished passion—what was once spontaneously ignited now requires 
effort and planning. Many of these couples might still have a rewarding 
sex life (“We enjoy sex whenever we have it…<i>if</i> we have it…”), 
even if their sexual dance has become somewhat predictable. But for some
 married couples, passion and love have blended, making for mind-blowing
 sex.<br />
These couples aren’t afraid to be sexually adventurous. They
 trust each other enough to try new things and give fully of themselves.
 They communicate effectively about their sexual needs and use their 
deep knowledge of each other to generously give and openly receive 
sexual and sensual pleasure. And, most importantly, these couples create
 a shared space (unencumbered by the stresses and obligations of daily 
life) where sexual passion is allowed to take root.<br />
<h3>
Playing Between the Familiar and the Unknown</h3>
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“I
 got so turned on when my wife did something totally unexpected the 
other day…she became a little unrecognizable to me in that moment, and I
 have to admit, it was hot…”</em><i> </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Daniel, married four years</div>
</blockquote>
Part
 of the emotional security married couples take comfort in arises out of
 the familiar and predictable routines that come to define their 
couplehood. Psychologist Esther Perel, in her brilliant book <i>Mating in Captivity</i>
 describes how a certain level of emotional closeness (the hallmark of a
 loving marriage) also has the potential to extinguish sexual desire. 
It’s when a level of psychological separateness occurs that the other 
person can be seen and experienced; and it is in this contact with a 
separate other that the fires of sexual passion are able to ignite.<br />
Why
 does this make married sex so amazing? It’s a very different experience
 having someone you know well (your spouse/partner) let go sexually 
and/or act in a surprising or provocative manner, compared to someone 
you’ve just met or don’t know so well. Married couples are in an 
enviable position in this regard since they can bounce back and forth 
between the familiar/secure and the novel/tantalizing. In the psychic 
space between these seemingly contradictory experiences, a tension 
exists, a tension that can fan the flames of sexual desire and allows 
for passion’s potential.<br />
While the above list is by no means 
exhaustive, it does point to some important benefits that married 
couples can enjoy when it comes to sex. The loss of sexual intimacy and 
passion in long-term relationships is not an <i>inevitable</i> outcome 
of domesticity. In fact, couples who have been together for a long time 
have unique opportunities to build upon their emotional foundations of 
love and security, whether this involves nurturing love and emotional 
intimacy through sex, or pushing against each other’s sexual boundaries 
in order to stimulate moments of sexual excitement.<br />
The challenge 
is for married couples to identify any routines that may have led to 
relationship and sexual ruts, the routines they may too heavily rely on 
out of habit or complacency. Once those routines are identified, you can
 create and nurture opportunities that make your sex life a rich and 
meaningful part of your marriage or long-term relationship.</section>

Married Sex Can be Great Sex

Married Sex Can be Great Sex Richard Nicastro, PhD takes a deeper look at married (or long-term relationship) sex and some of the unique reasons it can be so satisfying. He encourages coup…

12 Jun 2018

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”

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Sexual Interest in Relationships:  Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”</h1>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody"><div style="text-align: center;">
<strong>Richard
 Nicastro, PhD digs deeper into the important relationship dynamic of 
sexual interest.  While acknowledging the normalcy of an imbalance, he 
suggests the shortest route to a solution that works for both couples is
 understanding and empathy for these differences.</strong></div>
There 
are certain relationship dynamics that impact a couple’s sex life and 
certain relational dynamics that arise from their sexual relationship. 
One particular pattern has to do with the expectations that result when 
one partner wants more frequent sex than the other—when one partner 
wants sex and the other can take it or leave it (and more often then not
 prefers to leave it).<br />
There is a scene in Woody Allen’s film 
Annie Hall that captures this dilemma. The main character Alvy (played 
by Woody Allen) is talking to his therapist, and when the therapist asks
 if Alvy and his partner are sleeping together, Alvy states, “Hardly 
ever, maybe three times a week.” The next scene is Alvy’s partner Annie 
(played by Diane Keaton) talking to her therapist, and when Annie’s 
therapist asks if she is having sex with Alvy, she responds, 
“Constantly, I’d say three times a week.”<br />
<em>One partner’s sexual deprivation might be another’s sexual saturation.</em><br />
It’s
 not uncommon for couples to have an imbalance in sexual desire and 
sexual interest. Navigating these waters can be a real challenge, with 
misunderstandings, power struggles and feelings of rejection resulting. 
This is particularly the case for the person who feels loved through 
sex. In these instances, the answer “No, I’m not in the mood” can feel 
like an emotional sledgehammer instead of a simple truth-of-the-moment 
for the other.<br />
<h3>
No Sexual Interest: Understanding Your Partner’s Sexual Experiences and Expectations</h3>
<h4>
The Parter with Low-To-No Interest in Sex</h4>
Imagine
 that you’re being asked to do something you really don’t want to do. 
Now imagine being asked this week after week, month after month. You’d 
probably get pretty frustrated at some point, and you might even find 
yourself becoming angry with the person making these unwanted requests. 
For some people with little-to-no-sexual desire, requests for sex can 
feel laborious. As one wife described: “Every time my husband wants sex,
 I hear myself internally yelling, ‘No, not again!’”<br />
This same 
wife also shared that after she does have sex with her husband, she 
anticipates a sexual respite for a while. She even joked, “After I get 
my teeth cleaned I can take comfort in the fact that it won’t happen for
 another six months!”<br />
So for the person with no sexual interest or desire, after sex has occurred, their mindset might look something like:<br />
<ul>
<li>A commitment/duty has just been met (“one that I’m not that crazy about”);</li>
<li>And
 since this obligation has been recently fulfilled, there is now the 
expectation that there will be a period of time with no sex;</li>
<li>If this “no sex” zone isn’t respected, tension or anger may result.</li>
</ul>
<h4>
Heightened Sexual Interest: Understanding The Partner with High Interest in Sex</h4>
Whenever
 this partner has sex, his/her experience is one of being fed 
emotionally and sexually. This sexual hunger doesn’t have an on-off 
switch and it doesn’t become completely satiated for long. In fact, a 
once-in-a-while sexual experience can feel like it is only highlighting 
what is missing, what this person believes should be occurring more 
frequently.<br />
Adrian has been married to his wife for six years. 
He’s always had a high sex drive and would prefer to have sex about five
 times a week. His wife’s libido is much quieter, and she can go for 
weeks without even thinking about sex. He described becoming physically 
uncomfortable if he goes too long not having sex, and the longer he 
waits, the more he thinks about and fantasizes about sex.<br />
After having sex with their partner, the high sex drive individual’s experience may appear as follows:<br />
<ul>
<li>They feel like a vital need has been met and therefore feel emotionally closer to their partner;</li>
<li>They eagerly anticipate future sexual experiences and hope that this will happen sooner rather than later;</li>
<li>As
 time passes and they are faced with a string of unmet sexual advances, 
they become increasingly tense and irritable. They can start to feel 
unwanted and may even feel like something is wrong with them for 
“wanting so much sex”;</li>
<li>After prolonged rejections, they may even
 try to suppress sexual longings (a suppression that may ultimately lead
 to underlying resentments).</li>
</ul>
When you consider the 
subjective experiences of each partner (low-desire and high-desire), you
 can see how they are worlds apart not only in their desire to have sex,
 but also in what it’s like for each of them to have and <em>not</em> to have sex.<br />
There are no easy “solutions” to such discrepancies. These differences create <em>tensions</em>
 (both within each person and between the couple as a whole) that need 
to be consciously managed and negotiated. This process starts with an 
honest, non-judgmental awareness of each other: what it’s like to have 
sex when you don’t want to, what it’s like to not have sex when you feel
 overwhelmed by the desire to have sex.<br />
When empathy becomes part of the communication field, <em>mutual understanding</em> allows for these tensions to be looked at and worked through together, rather than by just one of you.</section>

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High” Richard Nicastro, PhD digs deeper into the important relationship dynamic of sexual interest. While ac…

12 Jun 2018

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