Relationships and Love

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”

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Sexual Interest in Relationships:  Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”</h1>
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<strong>Richard
 Nicastro, PhD digs deeper into the important relationship dynamic of 
sexual interest.  While acknowledging the normalcy of an imbalance, he 
suggests the shortest route to a solution that works for both couples is
 understanding and empathy for these differences.</strong></div>
There 
are certain relationship dynamics that impact a couple’s sex life and 
certain relational dynamics that arise from their sexual relationship. 
One particular pattern has to do with the expectations that result when 
one partner wants more frequent sex than the other—when one partner 
wants sex and the other can take it or leave it (and more often then not
 prefers to leave it).<br />
There is a scene in Woody Allen’s film 
Annie Hall that captures this dilemma. The main character Alvy (played 
by Woody Allen) is talking to his therapist, and when the therapist asks
 if Alvy and his partner are sleeping together, Alvy states, “Hardly 
ever, maybe three times a week.” The next scene is Alvy’s partner Annie 
(played by Diane Keaton) talking to her therapist, and when Annie’s 
therapist asks if she is having sex with Alvy, she responds, 
“Constantly, I’d say three times a week.”<br />
<em>One partner’s sexual deprivation might be another’s sexual saturation.</em><br />
It’s
 not uncommon for couples to have an imbalance in sexual desire and 
sexual interest. Navigating these waters can be a real challenge, with 
misunderstandings, power struggles and feelings of rejection resulting. 
This is particularly the case for the person who feels loved through 
sex. In these instances, the answer “No, I’m not in the mood” can feel 
like an emotional sledgehammer instead of a simple truth-of-the-moment 
for the other.<br />
<h3>
No Sexual Interest: Understanding Your Partner’s Sexual Experiences and Expectations</h3>
<h4>
The Parter with Low-To-No Interest in Sex</h4>
Imagine
 that you’re being asked to do something you really don’t want to do. 
Now imagine being asked this week after week, month after month. You’d 
probably get pretty frustrated at some point, and you might even find 
yourself becoming angry with the person making these unwanted requests. 
For some people with little-to-no-sexual desire, requests for sex can 
feel laborious. As one wife described: “Every time my husband wants sex,
 I hear myself internally yelling, ‘No, not again!’”<br />
This same 
wife also shared that after she does have sex with her husband, she 
anticipates a sexual respite for a while. She even joked, “After I get 
my teeth cleaned I can take comfort in the fact that it won’t happen for
 another six months!”<br />
So for the person with no sexual interest or desire, after sex has occurred, their mindset might look something like:<br />
<ul>
<li>A commitment/duty has just been met (“one that I’m not that crazy about”);</li>
<li>And
 since this obligation has been recently fulfilled, there is now the 
expectation that there will be a period of time with no sex;</li>
<li>If this “no sex” zone isn’t respected, tension or anger may result.</li>
</ul>
<h4>
Heightened Sexual Interest: Understanding The Partner with High Interest in Sex</h4>
Whenever
 this partner has sex, his/her experience is one of being fed 
emotionally and sexually. This sexual hunger doesn’t have an on-off 
switch and it doesn’t become completely satiated for long. In fact, a 
once-in-a-while sexual experience can feel like it is only highlighting 
what is missing, what this person believes should be occurring more 
frequently.<br />
Adrian has been married to his wife for six years. 
He’s always had a high sex drive and would prefer to have sex about five
 times a week. His wife’s libido is much quieter, and she can go for 
weeks without even thinking about sex. He described becoming physically 
uncomfortable if he goes too long not having sex, and the longer he 
waits, the more he thinks about and fantasizes about sex.<br />
After having sex with their partner, the high sex drive individual’s experience may appear as follows:<br />
<ul>
<li>They feel like a vital need has been met and therefore feel emotionally closer to their partner;</li>
<li>They eagerly anticipate future sexual experiences and hope that this will happen sooner rather than later;</li>
<li>As
 time passes and they are faced with a string of unmet sexual advances, 
they become increasingly tense and irritable. They can start to feel 
unwanted and may even feel like something is wrong with them for 
“wanting so much sex”;</li>
<li>After prolonged rejections, they may even
 try to suppress sexual longings (a suppression that may ultimately lead
 to underlying resentments).</li>
</ul>
When you consider the 
subjective experiences of each partner (low-desire and high-desire), you
 can see how they are worlds apart not only in their desire to have sex,
 but also in what it’s like for each of them to have and <em>not</em> to have sex.<br />
There are no easy “solutions” to such discrepancies. These differences create <em>tensions</em>
 (both within each person and between the couple as a whole) that need 
to be consciously managed and negotiated. This process starts with an 
honest, non-judgmental awareness of each other: what it’s like to have 
sex when you don’t want to, what it’s like to not have sex when you feel
 overwhelmed by the desire to have sex.<br />
When empathy becomes part of the communication field, <em>mutual understanding</em> allows for these tensions to be looked at and worked through together, rather than by just one of you.</section>

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High”

Sexual Interest in Relationships: Navigating the Range Between “Low-to-No” and “High” Richard Nicastro, PhD digs deeper into...

Does Your Relationship Have a Strong Negativity Bias?

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Does Your Relationship Have a Strong Negativity Bias?</h1>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">A
 common thread in my couples therapy practice with those who struggle to
 make change is a strong negativity bias.  The needle on the “Geiger 
counter” of their relationship is bouncing up and down in the red.  In 
the worst cases, they are hostile, adversarial, mistrusting and believe 
they are experts on each other, convinced that they “know” exactly how 
the other feels.  And it’s not good.<br />
“He doesn’t even like me.”<br />
“She has one foot out of the marriage.”<br />
“He wishes he would have married ___.”<br />
“She is only staying in the marriage because of our child.”<br />
In psychology-speak, a “negativity bias” refers to the neuroscience of feeling threatened.  Rick Hanson, PhD explains below:<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“In
 your brain, there are separate (though interacting) systems for 
negative and positive stimuli.  Negative stimuli produce more neural 
activity than do equally intense (e.g., loud, bright) positive ones. 
They are also perceived more easily and quickly. For example, people in 
studies can identify angry faces faster than happy ones; even if they 
are shown these images so quickly (just a tenth of a second or so) that 
they cannot have any conscious recognition of them, the ancient 
fight-or-flight limbic system of the brain will still get activated by 
the angry faces.” </em></div>
People have 
varying degrees of negativity bias.  Those with trauma or challenged 
family of origin experiences are often vulnerable to a stronger 
negativity bias than someone with a secure upbringing, strong sense of 
self and no traumatic experiences.  The brain is wired for fear or 
security…and many shades of grey in between.<br />
Thankfully, we have 
learned that a negativity bias can be challenged by noticing the good, 
gratitude, mindfulness and other positive practices that can rewire the 
brain.<br />
<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<strong>A negativity bias can exist in relationships too.</strong></h2>
The
 couple with the Geiger bouncing up and down at the extreme end of the 
negative side are going to be stuck unless they work together to counter
 the negative with positive, to move the needle slowly towards their 
ability to make room for benefit of the doubt and willingness to be 
vulnerable.  The idea is to build good will again, to create an 
environment where your partner feels he/she can put down the sword and 
shield.  You are BOTH responsible for this.<br />
<strong>11 Ways to Counter the Negativity Bias in Your Relationship</strong><br />
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<a href="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-300x225.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-10762" height="225" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-300x225.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-300x225.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-181x136.jpg 181w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-190x142.jpg 190w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS-350x263.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Fotolia_31616302_XS.jpg 400w" width="300" /></a></div>
<ol>
<li>Begin each day with a positive statement or greeting for each other.</li>
<li>In transitional moments, (coming or going, one going to bed, etc), say hello, goodbye, goodnight with an affectionate gesture.</li>
<li>Notice aloud what is going well.  “That’s great that you got a bonus, you’ve worked hard.”</li>
<li>Show appreciation.  “That was a really delicious meal, thank you.”</li>
<li>Offer
 help.  If you see something you can do to help your partner, offer it 
up.  “Would you like me to make Sarah’s school lunch tomorrow to give 
you a break?”</li>
<li>Check in.  Make an effort to ask each other how you are doing to demonstrate care.</li>
<li>Make time.  Schedule a walk or lunch with each other.  Show each other that you <em>want</em> to be there.</li>
<li>Repair if needed.  If you mess up, apologize right away.  This will not be a straight line.</li>
<li>Be open.  A repair attempt will do no good if you are not open to possibilities.  Change cannot happen either.</li>
<li>State your needs.  Make sure you’ve articulated what you need in the relationship to give your partner a chance to respond.</li>
<li>Try again.  Don’t allow resentment and sensitivity derail the process.  Know that it’s hard work and perfection doesn’t exist.</li>
</ol>
Remember
 that your goal is to create an environment for your relationship to 
heal.  Practice empathy for your partner and self-compassion, as after 
all, such a strong negativity bias was born out of wounds (perceived or 
real).  It’s a natural drive to be self protective in matters of the 
heart.  The hope is to shift the dynamic so you both feel the other is 
truly there and can be leaned upon.<br />
Intimate relationships are second to parent-child relationships in vulnerability and need to feel emotionally safe.</section></div>

Does Your Relationship Have a Strong Negativity Bias?

Does Your Relationship Have a Strong Negativity Bias? A common thread in my couples therapy practice with those who struggle ...

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know

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Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know</h1>
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Fresh
 off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington 
DC, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop with John Gottman.  Dr. 
Gottman is a dominant figure on the relationship research and couples 
therapy scene since the mid 80’s, when he began observing couples 
fighting in his “original couples laboratory,” dubbed the Love Lab.  His
 findings provided some of the scientific underpinnings of what we know 
about what maintains and erodes intimate relationships.</div>
</div>
</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">The Love Lab has been given new life and a new name; the Gottman Love Lab Experience is
 now being offered as “the world’s first science-based relationship 
evaluation service,” measuring three primary important areas of your 
relationship; friendship, conflict and shared meaning.<br />
Along with 
this cutting edge assessment opportunity for couples who are able to 
make it to Seattle, Washington, he is also offering therapists a new 
online tool, the Gottman Relationship Checkup, providing the ability to 
receive a score reviewing couples strengths and vulnerabilities, with 
feedback for possible treatment suggestions.<br />
From a recent study 
Dr. Gottman conducted of 40,000 Relationship Checkup participants, he 
has new data.  I compiled some relationship research nuggets on 
heterosexual couples from his presentation.  You might find some of the 
results surprising!<br />
<strong>For how many couples in therapy is at least one partner considering an exit?</strong>   66%<br />
82% of couples are having problems with <strong>loneliness in the relationship</strong><br />
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<strong>What About Problems with Intimacy and Sex?</strong><br />
Romance 83%<br />
Sex Quality 55%<br />
Sex Frequency 49%<br />
<strong>How many partners had problems with trust?</strong>   66%<br />
<br />
<strong>The Top 3 Things Couples Fight About</strong><br />
86% Not having fun anymore<br />
76% Finances<br />
74% No emotional connection<br />
Speaking
 of conflict, the biggest obstacle to productively navigating conflict 
in relationships is flooding.  This means the heart gets to 100 beats 
per minute which makes it nearly impossible to communicate from a calm, 
grounded place as your physiology will get the best of you.  In fact, 
when flooded, communication can be erratic, irrational and possibly 
damaging to the relationship.  The antidote is self-soothing or helping 
each other soothe, if possible.  Sometimes leaving the situation (in a 
structured time out) is the best thing a couple can do for a 
relationship.<br />
<strong>96% of couples are flooded during conflict</strong><br />
Though
 I didn’t catch all of the numbers Dr. Gottman shared at his 
presentation, particularly the gay and lesbian stats, what I did notice 
was a trend demonstrating that compared to heterosexual couples, they 
did a much better job with conflict and communication.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><em>“As far as interaction, gay and lesbian couples really have a lot to teach heterosexual couples.” </em></strong></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
– John Gottman</div>
Something
 to think about.  I will leave you with one more nugget and it’s an 
important one to consider for those who are struggling in married or 
long term relationships:  The #1 predictor of divorce is contempt.  If 
you are calling your partner names, assassinating their character or 
hitting below the belt in other ways…and you would like to save your 
relationship, please seek counseling for help.</section></div>

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know

Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know Fresh off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Sympos...

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

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Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs</h1>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">Esther
 Perel has an unmistakeable presence.  The Belgian speaker, therapist, 
author and TedX sweetheart has been challenging us all, including 
therapists like myself, to rethink our paradigms around romantic 
relationships and infidelity.<br />
Recently at the Psychotherapy 
Networker Symposium in DC, I had the opportunity to hear her speak about
 shifts in romantic relationships and the heart of the matter in modern 
day affairs.<br />
According to Esther, “expectations put on a romantic 
relationship are at an all time high” and mirror cultural shifts that 
have occurred.  There is more ambiguity with roles, social hierarchies 
and prohibitive religious structures are less intact, there is more 
freedom for self expression and happiness seeking for the individual is a
 higher priority.<br />
As we have moved away from community living with
 families and friends nearby, we have less sense of belonging.  “When we
 lived in the village we knew everything about the couple; every fight 
and every fuck,” she said, matter of factly.  As many issues there 
surely were with such intertwined living, now that the pendulum has 
swung to the other side and we now face the public health crisis of 
loneliness.  And couples have become more isolated, often rely on one 
person, each other, to be their trusted confidante, best friend, best 
lover and intellectual equal.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“Our modern model for modern marriage is that one person will give us what an entire village used to provide.” </em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
– Esther Perel</div>
This
 is why the pain around infidelity is different today.  This betrayal 
can be incredibly traumatic because it threatens the sense of self, 
challenging the idea that this person was “the one.”  And the digital 
age of social media, texts and emails can feel like “death by a thousand
 cuts” to the one who has been betrayed and has discovered messages and 
other cyber evidence of an affair.<br />
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<strong>What lies at the heart of an affair?</strong><br />
Esther
 reports it’s not usually really about the sex.  In her experience, she 
has found there has been a yearning to bring back some kind of vitality,
 recapture lost parts, an entitlement to seek out desires or simply be 
happier than we are.  Some affairs happen after years of monogamy in a 
relationship where the person never thought they would do such a thing 
but they feel driven to feel special, important, to beat back a sense of
 deadness.  And wanting what you can’t have can also be intoxicating.<br />
She
 touches on the issues that come up around “romantic consumerism,” that 
we now have thousands of people at our fingertips via dating apps and 
online sites.  This raises the question, how will you know when you’ve 
found “the one” with so much choice?<br />
<strong>What can modern couples do differently to preserve their relationships?</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>Reconsider the expectations you put on each other.</li>
<li>Rely on friends and family for some of your emotional burdens and need for connection.</li>
<li>Keep
 your relationship dynamic fresh with new experiences, breaking up 
routines and maintaining even a little mystery between each other.</li>
<li>Continue to find ways to make each other feel special and prioritized.</li>
</ul>
Intimate
 relationships, particularly long term, can inherently run into problems
 when the couples focus drifts too far away from the living, breathing 
relationship itself.  Like most plants, it needs attention and water to 
survive.  Yes, the paradigm around romantic relationships has changed 
but this doesn’t need to mean they are all destined for failure.  It’s 
an alert signaling the need for us all to rethink their meaning in the 
context of the world around us as and maybe most importantly, face and 
adapt to our societal issue of loneliness head on.<br />
<br /></section></div>

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs

Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairs Esther Perel has an unmistakeable presence. T...

3 Roadblocks to Forgiveness in Relationships

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3 Roadblocks to Forgiveness in Relationships</h1>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody"><div style="text-align: center;">
Dr.
 Richard Nicastro, PsyD, explores things that complicate forgiveness in 
relationships.  Sometimes the part of us that feels truly indignant 
remains rigid.  Can you get to a place where letting it go is possible?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
—–</div>
<strong>Imagine this scenario:</strong><br />
Your
 spouse/partner has wounded you in some way. S/he has now expressed what
 feels like genuine remorse to you. Maybe you’ve even said you accept 
the apology you were offered, but now you’re wondering whether that was 
just lip service, because you don’t feel forgiving at all. Quite the 
contrary. You feel frozen in an anti-forgiveness stance.<br />
However, 
you really and truly want to forgive. You don’t think your partner is 
going to repeat the behavior that caused the hurt. You know that 
forgiveness is good for you, that holding onto resentment will 
ultimately rob you of peace.<br />
And yet, you can’t forgive him/her. Why?<br />
<h2>
<strong>What’s holding you back? Obstacles to forgiveness</strong></h2>
The
 mind is powerful, complicated, and incredibly nuanced. And to make it 
even more complex, there are different levels of mind: there’s the 
conscious mind that we’re in touch with, but there’s a whole ’nother 
level that’s at work beneath the surface, while we’re carpooling the 
kids or weeding the garden or prepping for a work presentation.<br />
We
 don’t need to stop what we’re doing to zero in on what’s going on in 
our subconscious, but there are times (like when we feel stuck, despite 
our best efforts) when it pays to dig a bit deeper.<br />
So, in the 
above scenario, if your mate has sincerely apologized for what s/he has 
done to hurt you, if you really do want to forgive your mate, and yet 
you don’t feel able to, you may have some subconscious (aka, sneaky) 
barriers in the way.<br />
The bad news is that those barriers aren’t 
always easy to identify. And sometimes, even when we do, the level of 
discomfort in the wake of discovery can be so great — “That’s crazy! I 
don’t have guilt! What would I be guilty about? After all, it wasn’t my 
bad!” — that the mind resorts to a defense mechanism to protect itself 
and rejects the revelation altogether.<br />
The good news, however, is 
that once you ID the obstacles in your way to forgiveness, they tend to 
dissolve and allow you to proceed with your conscious wish to forgive. 
It’s almost as if uncovering the barriers sends the mind the memo that 
it doesn’t need to keep those roadblocks in place any longer.<br />
<h3>
<strong>Common barriers to forgiveness: Shame, guilt, and fear</strong></h3>
<strong>Shame</strong><br />
Shame
 is a powerful force in human life, and it can masquerade as other 
emotions, which is why it can be hard to detect, and yet it can impact 
your relationships and decisions just the same.<br />
To make it even trickier, shame is often highly illogical. This means that at times we can feel ashamed in situations that<img alt="" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-8633" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Fotolia_38514434_S.jpg 849w" width="300" />
 objectively, we know shouldn’t provoke shame. For instance, your friend
 tells you about her big promotion at work, and you feel an intense wave
 of shame over the fact that you haven’t been upwardly mobile. The shame
 is so acute that you want to hide from her, even though she’s just 
sharing with you (not competing), and you work in different fields and 
she’s not comparing your careers at all.<br />
Unlike guilt, which is 
usually connected to a discrete event, shame can make you feel like 
you’re the problem, not just something you’ve done or haven’t done. 
Shame seeps into who you are as a person, causing you to feel unworthy.<br />
If
 you have been actively trying to forgive your mate for a wounding but 
have been unsuccessful, shame may be blocking your path to forgiveness. 
You may subconsciously feel like you aren’t worthy of his/her apology 
and that therefore you aren’t in a position where you have the “right” 
to confer forgiveness upon anyone.<br />
<strong>Guilt</strong><br />
Guilt
 is as common as mud, right? And it is mud, in a way, gumming up the 
works, weighing you down, dirtying what was once clean until it’s beyond
 recognition.<br />
Feeling guilty about something or other is so common
 that it may sound cliche to consider it. But identifying an emotion as 
commonplace doesn’t make it less likely to be at work in your life.<br />
Your knee-jerk reaction might be, “But I don’t feel guilty. So I must not be.”<br />
Ultimately,
 guilt may not be gumming up your forgiveness works. But you won’t know 
that if you give in to the knee-jerk dismissal. Rather, sit with it for a
 while and give yourself the mental space to contemplate this. Guilt, 
like shame, can expend most of its energy beneath the surface of your 
awareness, which means it might not readily show itself when you go 
looking.<br />
As the partner put in the position of forgiver, guilt 
might be stirred in you if a small part of you wonders whether you were 
somehow partially culpable for your mate’s transgression. You might 
guiltily think you owe your partner an apology too, though you may balk 
at putting yourself in what you see as a “groveling” position.<br />
After
 all, as the forgiver, you have the upper hand, so to speak. The balance
 of power is skewed to you in the moment. That, also, can make you feel 
guilty, the truth that you like feeling more powerful than your partner.<br />
<strong>Fear</strong><br />
There
 are some people who say that there really are only two emotions, love 
and fear, and that all other emotions are merely offshoots of one of 
those (for instance, anger is a byproduct of fear, though the fear isn’t
 consciously felt while the anger rages).<br />
Whether you’re of that 
camp or not, it’s hard to deny that love and fear are among the most 
powerful of the emotions. So it’s no surprise that fear has landed on 
the list of barriers to forgiveness, especially when you’re trying to 
forgive someone you love.<br />
Again, fear may not be the presenting 
emotion. Fear may not be the most obvious experience for you at first 
glance. But underneath it all, you may be fearful that if you forgive 
your mate you’ll be opening yourself up to more hurt. Perhaps you’re not
 fully convinced that s/he won’t commit the same transgression in the 
future. Or you might fear that forgiving your partner will cause you to 
be more vulnerable and therefore exposed to a different type of hurt.<br />
Forgiving,
 in a real way, is setting down your grievance, is laying down your 
metaphoric shield and weapon. And aren’t we all defenseless without our 
armor?<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>—–</b></div>
Forgiveness is 
not some theoretical concept that only some of us have to grapple with —
 it’s a real-life question that we will all face at some point or 
another, whether to forgive or to double-down on our indignation over 
being treated unfairly.<br />
Some of us learn to forgive because we are
 forced into a corner. In these moments, we come face-to-face with how 
holding onto our grievances is actually hurting us. Others work on 
forgiveness before heading down that dead-end road. Either way, taking 
the steps to identify common obstacles to forgiveness can clear a path 
to a more harmonious inner life when you’re ready.</section></div>

3 Roadblocks to Forgiveness in Relationships

3 Roadblocks to Forgiveness in Relationships Dr. Richard Nicastro, PsyD, explores things that complicate forgiveness in relationship...

How to Sabotage Your Relationships by Not Owning Your Stuff

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<header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline">
How to Sabotage Your Relationships by Not Owning Your Stuff</h1>
<div class="single-featured-image">
<img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_28122035_S.jpg 849w" width="640" /></div>
<div class="social-share-container">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span class="st_facebook_large" displaytext="Facebook"></span> <span class="st_twitter_large" displaytext="Tweet"></span> <span class="st_pinterest_large" displaytext="Pinterest"></span> <span class="st_linkedin_large" displaytext="LinkedIn"></span> <span class="st_googleplus_large" displaytext="Google +"></span> <span class="st_email_large" displaytext="Email"></span></div>
</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">If
 you’re wondering why your relationships often go awry or seem more 
difficult than they should be, perhaps it’s time to consider your role. 
 “I have a role?” you ask.  Yes, you just might.  The baggage you’ve 
been carrying could be weighing you AND your relationships down.<br />
There
 are many ways that your stuff can get in the way of how you relate to 
people.  What is your narrative about yourself and how others will treat
 you?  Your value?  This story plays out as an <em>underlying belief system</em>
 in which you filter how you see the world.  You might be unconsciously 
scanning your environment for evidence to support your story.  What if 
your story is inaccurate?<br />
Here are some possible ways you might be sabotaging your relationships by not owning your stuff:<br />
<ul>
<li>You
 have rigid expectations of how others are with with you and can be 
easily disappointed, leading you to cut off from people –><ul>
<li>Underlying Belief:  <strong>People will let me down.</strong></li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>You
 are a people pleaser to avoid conflict but you carry resentment for 
doing more than your share or being taken advantage of –><ul>
<li>Underlying Belief:  <strong>People will reject or abandon me unless I make them happy.</strong></li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>You struggle to let intimate partners in too close to you yet desperately want connection. –><ul>
<li>Underlying Belief:  <strong>I am unlovable</strong> …or… <strong>Intimate relationships</strong> <strong>can’t be trusted.</strong></li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>There is a big difference between how your portray yourself to others and how you feel.  –><ul>
<li>Underlying Belief:  <strong>I am not ok</strong>…or…<strong>There is something wrong with me.</strong></li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
Belief
 systems such as the ones above can develop from painful experiences or 
messages received from the important people in your life about 
connection, love, safety and your value.  This can reflect itself in 
unhealthy relationship patterns.  You might even be attracting partners 
who reinforce your negative story!<br />
If you’ve never worked through 
your painful experiences, you can inadvertently sabotage your 
relationships with your narrative.  You might ASSUME that things happen a
 certain way and these expectations can either make it be so (self 
fulfilling prophecy) or make it hard to believe someone’s intentions.  
This can also ultimately lead to a self fulfilling prophecy when the 
partner who never gains trust finally leaves because it’s too painful to
 stay!<br />
If you take ownership of your wounds and the strategies in 
which you developed to defend against further pain, your world view can 
actually shift.  Self-love, fulfilling relationships and a sense of 
peace become possible.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_40322538_XS-300x216.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-9109" height="216" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_40322538_XS-300x216.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_40322538_XS-300x216.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_40322538_XS-350x252.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Fotolia_40322538_XS.jpg 408w" width="300" /></a></div>
<strong>How to unwind out of a painful past</strong><br />
If you can do the following three things, you have a great chance of lightening your load and break out of unhealthy patterns.<br />
<ol>
<li>Identify your issues.</li>
<li>Understand the source of the problem.</li>
<li>Resolve the issues with deeper level change.</li>
</ol>
This
 can be done by finding a local therapist to help, processing with a 
trusted friend or diving into the world of self help if you’re more of a
 “Do-It-Yourself” type.  Check out my mini guide, Break Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns for a step in the right direction.<br />
What
 you’re trying to avoid is inadvertently sabotaging your relationships 
with unresolved emotional issues.  This deeper kind of work is the 
ultimate act of self-care for YOU and your relationships, potentially 
with life long impact.<br />
Be well.</section></div>

How to Sabotage Your Relationships by Not Owning Your Stuff

How to Sabotage Your Relationships by Not Owning Your Stuff If you’re wondering why your relationships often go awry or seem ...

The Ebb and Flow of Marriage

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<header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline">
The Ebb and Flow of Marriage</h1>
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<img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S.jpg 849w" width="640" /></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span class="st_facebook_large" displaytext="Facebook"></span> <span class="st_twitter_large" displaytext="Tweet"></span> <span class="st_pinterest_large" displaytext="Pinterest"></span> <span class="st_linkedin_large" displaytext="LinkedIn"></span> <span class="st_googleplus_large" displaytext="Google +"></span> <span class="st_email_large" displaytext="Email"></span></div>
</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">Marriages
 change over time.  Couples who are able to navigate the ebb and flow of
 their relationships have an advantage in doing better over the long 
haul.<br />
Consider for a moment how much you’ve changed in your 
maturity, likes, dislikes, priorities, stressors, life experiences, 
etc.  If you haven’t changed a bit – consider yourself extremely unique.<br />
Most of us experience a change in ourselves to some degree over time.  A marriage or long-term relationship will also change.<br />
<strong>Here are a few ways couples can navigate the inevitable change of their marriage:</strong><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage-300x243.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Marriage Tips, Tools Advice: The Ebb and Flow of Marriage" border="0" class="size-medium wp-image-2825 alignright" height="243" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage-300x243.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage-300x243.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage-350x284.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage.jpg 385w" style="cursor: move; margin-top: 5px;" title="Marriage Tips, Tools Advice: The Ebb and Flow of Marriage" width="300" /></a></div>
<ul>
<li>Check-in with each other periodically.<ul>
<li>How are things going?</li>
<li>How are you doing?</li>
<li>How are we doing?</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>Make adjustments in the way things have always been done.<ul>
<li>Break routines</li>
<li>Do things differently</li>
<li>Shake it up a bit</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>Prioritize
 your relationship.  It’s very easy to take your eyes off of each other,
 especially after having children and other life stressors show up.</li>
<li>Get
 away.  An overnight can do wonders for your relationship.  Don’t 
underestimate the power of a new environment away from your routines and
 responsibilities.</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">Laugh and create 
new memories.  Don’t allow a negativity bias to creep up in your 
relationship.  Counter it with some good laughs and positive experiences
 to counteract negative experiences.</li>
</ul>
Just because your 
marriage has “changed” isn’t automatically cause for alarm.  It’s about 
addressing the change together honestly  and finding creative ways to 
adapt to that change.<br />
If you are concerned that so much has 
changed at this point that your marriage feels disconnected and the gap 
too wide to bridge without assistance, find a local couples counselor to
 help.  If you’re not quite ready for couples counseling you can try my 
tool for couples, The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples, to help you strengthen the foundation of your relationship.</section></div>

The Ebb and Flow of Marriage

The Ebb and Flow of Marriage Marriages change over time. Couples who are able to navigate the ebb and flow of their relatio...

17 Must-Have Conversations with Your Child

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<header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline">
17 Must-Have Conversations with Your Child</h1>
<div class="single-featured-image">
<img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Fotolia_53954545_S-750x500.jpg" width="640" /></div>
</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody"><div style="text-align: center;">
<strong>Life
 coach, Mark Chernoff, breaks down some important life truths that can 
shape how children view themselves and their place in the world. 
 Parents, no matter how old your child (or adult child), it’s never too 
late to help them integrate these lessons.</strong></div>
Our children 
grow up so fast.  Before we know it they’re out there somewhere in the 
real world, and we’re left hoping that we’ve done enough to prepare them
 for everything they’ll encounter.  Angel and I talk to course students 
and coaching clients on a regular basis – mothers and fathers alike – 
who share these sentiments.  They worry about their children.  They 
wonder if they’ve done a good enough job parenting up to this point.  
And Angel and I totally get it too.  Oftentimes we feel the same way.  
We’re concerned about our son Mac’s well-being and education, and we 
discuss it frequently, just like most parents.<br />
In fact, from what 
we’ve researched and studied, the well-being and education of their 
children is more important to most parents than just about anything else
 – health care, cost of living, public safety, and even their own 
well-being.  And believe it or not, most non-parents also say they’re 
concerned about the well-being and intellectual growth of society’s 
youth; this concern seems to cut cleanly across gender, ethnicity, age, 
income and political affiliation.  So the reality is, to a great extent,
 we all collectively care about our children.   And that’s a really 
beautiful thing when you think about it.<br />
Anyway, I awoke this 
morning thinking about all of this – especially the miraculous, 
life-changing responsibility of parenthood – and two related thoughts 
immediately crossed my mind:<br />
<ul>
<li>Whoa!  Time flies.  How in the 
world did Angel and I suddenly become parents to a little boy that’s 
running all over the place and asking questions about everything under 
the sun?</li>
<li>There are so many important truths I want to share with Mac… as soon as feasibly possible.</li>
</ul>
So I’m writing this post as a reminder to myself, and to all parents…<span id="more-4358"></span><br />
Here
 are 20 simple yet powerful truths you can add to your daily 
conversations with your child that will gradually change how they think 
about themselves and their place in the world, and ultimately transform 
how they live their life.  Please remember, also, that it’s never too 
late to discuss these truths – in most cases they are equally relevant 
to youngsters, adolescents, and adult children alike.<br />
<ol>
<li><strong>Learning how to think is far more useful than learning what to think.</strong>
 – A big part of your life is a direct result of the decisions you make;
 if you don’t like your life for some reason, it’s time to start making 
changes and better decisions.  And the same is true for all of us, 
including our children.  It’s crucial that our children gradually grow 
to understand that THEY must learn to make good decisions for 
themselves, without us.  Parents can only guide by example and put their
 offspring on the right path, but the final forming of a person’s 
character and life story lies in their own hands.  You can walk beside 
your child most of the time, but not in their shoes.  And someday, when 
you’re not around, they’ll come to a fork in the road that forces them 
to think for themselves.  Which is why it’s important to teach your 
child how to think, not what to think.  (The remaining points in this 
article will help you do just that.)</li>
<li><strong>Everything is hard before it’s easy, and we get stronger as we go.</strong> – One of the best things you can do for your child as they grow is to let go and allow them to do things for themselves, all<img alt="" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-10408" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S.jpg 849w" width="300" />ow
 them to be strong and responsible, allow them the freedom to experience
 things on their own terms, allow them to take the bus or the train and 
learn from life firsthand – allow them to be better people, allow them 
to believe more in themselves and do more by themselves.  Journeying 
through life on your own two feet is a learning process – you become 
stronger as you go.  It’s like a little girl who struggles to find her 
way home from school without her parent’s help – doing it the first few 
times is daunting and scary, but in the long run she’s safer and better 
off having learned the way.</li>
<li><strong>The biggest disappointments in life are often the result of misplaced expectations.</strong>
 – When we are really young our expectations are few, but as we age our 
expectations tend to balloon with each passing year.  The key is to help
 your child understand that tempering unrealistic expectations of how 
something “should be” can greatly reduce unnecessary stress and 
frustration.  With a positive attitude and an open mind, we often find 
that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than we thought it was 
going to be; it’s just that “the easy” and “the hard” aren’t exactly the
 way we had anticipated, and don’t always occur when we expect them to. 
 This isn’t a bad thing – it makes life interesting, if we’re willing to
 see it that way.</li>
<li><strong>Worry is the cruelest enemy of personal growth.</strong>
 – Worrying does nothing but steal your joy and keep you very busy doing
 absolutely nothing at all.  When you spend time worrying, you’re simply
 using your imagination to create things you don’t want.  And, as every 
child knows deep down, there are much better ways to use an 
imagination.  Do your best to remind them of this.</li>
<li><strong>Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.</strong>
 – If you want to be effective in life, you can’t base your attitude on 
how things are.  Instead, you have to choose your attitude so it 
supports and expresses the way you wish to be.  It’s not about expecting
 the best to always happen, but instead accepting whatever happens and 
then making the very best of it.  Truly, most of our long-tern 
frustration and stress comes from the way we respond and react to 
circumstances, not the circumstances themselves.  Learn to adjust your 
attitude, and all that extra frustration and stress is gone.  Practice 
this in your own life, so your child can witness the results firsthand.</li>
<li><strong>Reflecting on what we’re grateful for makes us happier and healthier.</strong> – In <em>1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently,</em>
 Angel and I discuss the powerful benefits of keeping a gratitude 
journal.  And the really good news is it works for children too.  In one
 celebrated example, Dr. Robert Emmons, of UC Davis, asked teenage 
students to keep a gratitude journal – over ten weeks, the young 
undergrads listed five things that had happened in the past week which 
they were grateful for.  The results were astoundingly powerful – the 
students who kept the gratitude journal were up to 25% happier, more 
optimistic about their future, and got sick less often during the 
controlled study.  They even got more exercise than usual.  The bottom 
line is that children who keep a gratitude journal are statistically 
happier, more optimistic, and healthier.  As soon as your child is old 
enough, help them start one.</li>
<li><strong>The lifelong pursuit of happiness is about finding meaning.</strong> – Pursuing happiness is not <img alt="" class="alignright size-full wp-image-9811" height="266" sizes="(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Fotolia_37190292_S-e1494606571373.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Fotolia_37190292_S-e1494606571373.jpg 400w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Fotolia_37190292_S-e1494606571373-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Fotolia_37190292_S-e1494606571373-350x234.jpg 350w" width="400" />at
 all the same as feeling happy, which is a fleeting emotion dependent on
 momentary circumstances.  This is something that tends to confuse us 
when we’re young.  Happy moments feel great and are often fun-filled – 
if the sun is shining, by all means we should bask in it.  But happy 
moments always pass, because time passes.  The lifelong pursuit of 
happiness, on the other hand, is far more elusive; it’s not based on a 
particular momentary circumstance.  What you are really pursuing is 
meaning – living a meaningful life.  It starts with your “why.”  (Why 
are you doing what you’re doing every day?)  When your “why” has 
significance, you are living your life on your own terms, which makes 
the inevitable obstacles that arise on your path that much easier and 
more fulfilling to overcome.  In essence, you are putting forth effort 
and pushing forward because doing so brings meaning into your life.  (Do
 your best to help your child find their “why,” and let them know that 
it’s OK if it changes over time.)</li>
<li><strong>The right journey is the destination.</strong>
 – The most prolific and beneficial experience is not in actually 
achieving something you want, but in seeking it.  It’s the journey 
towards an endless horizon that matters – goals that move forward with 
you as you chase them.  It’s all about meaningful pursuits – the 
“moving” – and what you learn along the way.  Truly, the most important 
reason for moving from one place to another is to see what’s in 
between.  In between is where passions are realized, love is found, 
strength is gained, and memories are made.  You can’t get any of that 
without firsthand living.  In other words, the right journey is the 
destination.  Remember this truth, live by it… set an example for your 
child.</li>
<li><strong>The most effective way to move away from something you don’t want, is to move toward something you DO want.</strong>
 – “Don’t think about eating that chocolate donut!”  What are you 
thinking about now?  Eating that chocolate donut, right?  When we focus 
on not doing something, we end up thinking more about it.  The same 
philosophy holds true in all walks of life, regardless of our age.  By 
persistently trying to move away from what we don’t want, we are 
inadvertently forced to think about it so much that we end up carrying 
it’s weight along with us.  But if we instead choose to focus our energy
 on moving toward something we DO want, we naturally leave the negative 
weight behind as we move forward with our lives.</li>
<li><strong>Actions always speak 100% louder than words.</strong>
 – Children have never been perfect at listening to their parents, but 
they have never failed to imitate them.  Keep this in mind.  Let your 
children watch you set an example every day in all that you do, and then
 reinforce your actions with verbal guidance.  Ultimately, all of us – 
young and old alike – need to remember that what we really want in life 
comes from what we really do in life.</li>
<li><strong>The willingness to do hard things opens significant doors of opportunity.</strong>
 – One of the most important abilities you can help a child develop in 
life is being OK with some level of discomfort.  Because the best things
 are often hard to come by, and if you shy away from difficulty and 
discomfort, you’ll miss out on them.  Mastering a new skill is hard.  
Building a business is hard.  Writing a book is hard.  A marriage is 
hard.  Parenting is hard.  Staying in shape is hard.  All are amazing 
and worth every bit of effort you can muster.  If you get good at doing 
hard things, you can do almost anything you put your mind to.</li>
<li><strong>Uncertainty is inevitable and must be embraced to achieve anything worthwhile.</strong>
 – When we act with some level of uncertainty, this uncertainty often 
chases us out into the open where opportunity awaits.  Thus, learning to
 embrace uncertainty relatively early in life is a must.  Because if we 
need to know exactly how every little thing will turn out, we’ll avoid 
many life-changing projects, career moves, relationships, etc.  Starting
 a business, for example, could be a very worthwhile thing to do, but if
 you’re scared of uncertainty you’ll skip it.  Continually cowering in 
the face of uncertainty like this means you will never know anything for
 sure, and in many ways this unknowing will be worse than finding out 
your hunch was wrong.  For if you were wrong, you could make adjustments
 and carry on with your life without ever looking back and wondering 
what might have been.</li>
<li><strong>Lack of effort holds more people back than intelligence ever could.</strong>
 – It doesn’t matter if you have a genius IQ and a PhD in Quantum 
Physics, you can’t change anything or make any sort of real-world 
progress without putting forth diligent effort.  There’s a huge 
difference between knowing how to do something and actually doing it.  
Knowledge and intelligence are both useless to a person who’s unwilling 
to put in the effort and take action.  Remember this, and do your best 
to praise your child for their effort, not their intelligence.  When you
 praise your child’s efforts you are bringing attention to something 
they CAN control – the amount of time and energy they put into their 
work.  This is immensely important because it teaches them to persist, 
and that progress through hard work is possible.  They come to see 
themselves as “in control” of their success in life.  Conversely, 
emphasizing God-given intelligence takes progress out of your child’s 
control, and it provides no good formula for responding to failure.  In 
turn, your child may begin to think that innate intelligence is always 
going to be a missing element for them, and thus disregard the 
importance of their effort to learn and grow.</li>
<li><strong>Not everything will go as planned, but we can still be prepared.</strong>
 – For every youngster that succeeds in doing exactly what they set out 
to do in the exact time frame they set out to do it in, there are dozens
 of others who start strong and get derailed.  Help your child 
understand that if this happens to them, it isn’t a bad thing.  
Unexpected obstacles may come along to shift their perspective, to 
strengthen their resolve, or to change their direction for the better.  
And the destination they fall in love with someday may not even exist 
now.  For example, just a few short years ago the esteemed career paths 
of working at Facebook and Snapchat didn’t exist.  Neither did the job 
of professional coach and writer at Marc and Angel Hack Life.  So if a 
child can’t plan out their future in its entirety, what should they do? 
 Focus a little less on the future and focus more on what they can do 
now that will benefit them no matter what the future brings.  Read 
inspiring books.  Write.  Learn and practice useful skills.  Build 
things.  Be adventurous and seek real-world experiences.  Help people.  
Cultivate healthy relationships.  These efforts will assist in any 
future circumstances that come their way.</li>
<li><strong>Incredible distance can be covered over time with tiny steps.</strong>
 – Most people fritter their free time away on things that don’t matter,
 like TV, video games, social media, etc.  A year of that and you have 
absolutely zero to show for it.  But if you painted every day, or 
practiced your web design skills, or wrot<img alt="" class="size-medium wp-image-10647 alignleft" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Fotolia_142119393_XS-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Fotolia_142119393_XS-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Fotolia_142119393_XS-350x234.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Fotolia_142119393_XS.jpg 424w" width="300" />e
 on a blog, or updated and perfected a video channel on YouTube, or 
started building a side business/passion project, or spent more time 
networking with the right people… at the end of a year you’ll have built
 something interesting.  And you’ll have some great life experiences too
 – experiences you can point to and say, “I built that, and I learned 
this,” which, sadly, many people can’t do.  Also, it’s important to 
mention that although it may seem easier for younger people to do these 
things, it’s 100% possible for all of us to take tiny steps in the right
 direction, day in and day out, for the rest of our lives.</li>
<li><strong>Goals don’t make positive changes happen, rituals do.</strong>
 – What’s the difference between goals and rituals?  As a parent, your 
goal is to be a great role model, while your ritual is the time and 
energy you commit to setting a great example for your child each day.  
If you’re an entrepreneur, your goal is to grow a successful business, 
while your ritual is your daily work ethic combined with your 
management, marketing and sales processes.  If you’re a fiction writer, 
your goal is to write a novel, while your ritual is the writing schedule
 you follow each day.  Now think about this:  If you ignored your goals 
for a while and focused solely on your rituals, would you still get 
positive results?  For example, if you were trying to lose weight and 
you ignored your goal to lose 20 pounds, and instead focused only on 
eating healthy and exercising each day, would you still get results?  
Yes, you would.  Gradually, you would get closer and closer to your goal
 without even thinking about it again.  The earlier we learn this in 
life, the longer we have to make our positive daily rituals work in our 
favor.  But it’s never too late either.  <em>(Angel and I build tiny, daily, life-changing rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)</em></li>
<li><strong>Trustworthiness is the foundation of progress.</strong>
 – The underlying key, for all of us, is to be trustworthy in our 
relationships.  When someone gives someone an employment or business 
opportunity, the biggest fear is that this person is not trustworthy – 
that they’ll slack off and try to cheat the system.  Someone who has 
established a positive reputation over the years will likely be more 
trusted, and more likely to be recommended.  So do you best to teach you
 child to be trustworthy by being honest, admitting mistakes and fixing 
them, and generally going above and beyond the call of duty in all 
personal and professional relationships.  When we adhere to this 
philosophy, we end up building a good reputation and people appreciate 
and endorse us more openly, which is the best way to get a job, a 
business investor, or another good friend.</li>
</ol>
</section></div>

17 Must-Have Conversations with Your Child

17 Must-Have Conversations with Your Child Life coach, Mark Chernoff, breaks down some important life truths that can shape how chil...

When Honesty is Not the Best Policy in Relationships

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When Honesty is Not the Best Policy in Relationships</h1>
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<h3>
I
 once heard a client say with great pride that she has always been 
“honest” in her relationships.  She told people how she felt about them 
and situations at hand.  For her it was inauthentic or “fake” not to be 
this way.  I validated that this has been her belief system, likely 
learned at some time, then moved to how it might have made others feel 
to be on the receiving end of her honesty.  This generated a pause…</h3>
</div>
</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">“Well,
 I have never really had a filter…”  After another pause she was able to
 look at the possibility that her honesty has caused some pain for those
 around her.  She was able to question whether this style had ultimately
 served her and how learning to edit might improve her relationships.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>“Words
 are powerful.  Be careful how you use them because once you have 
pronounced them, you cannot remove the scar they leave behind.”  </em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
– Vashti Quiroz-Vega</div>
Honesty
 and open communication in relationships are strengths and couples that 
engage this way have a better chance of avoiding the build up of 
resentment as well as solidifying their very foundation as emotional 
safety with each other is reinforced. Even topics producing anger are 
better off handled openly.  A study by James McNulty, PhD looked at the 
positive effects of expressing anger around important issues in 
relationships.  This is quite the opposite of the common practice of 
sweeping problems under the rug (not a healthy relationship choice). 
 Couples with strong interaction and self-soothing skills to contain 
reactivity can benefit from this type of honesty.<br />
Honesty that 
doesn’t work so well are feelings expressed as criticism or contempt. 
 Regardless of how you feel about a situation it serves the relationship
 well to shape your language in a way that is most likely to be received
 and not elicit a defensive reaction. But when anger is involved it can 
be challenging to manage your reaction to allow for a more productive 
response.  If you’ve often engaged with people in an unfiltered way, 
there have surely been consequences along the way.<br />
Having 
disagreements and yes, arguments, are often part of the couple dynamic. 
 It doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything wrong with your 
relationship but if you navigate the blips efficiently, your 
relationship can thrive as you both learn through experience that you 
can work things out, together.  If communication and self-soothing are 
skills that you and your partner struggle with, consider educating 
yourself around these topics to be better prepared to practice the 
healthy and loving kind of honesty.<br />
So toss out, <em>“I’m just being honest”</em>
 from your vocabulary because if you have responded that way, you’ve 
probably said something that hurt your mate and you feel the need to 
defend, which is never productive.  Find a more loving and compassionate
 way to relay the message and be prepared for the chance that your 
partner will still react with anger.<br />
Part of being human is that sometimes we piss each other off.  How we work through that is what counts.</section></div>

When Honesty is Not the Best Policy in Relationships

When Honesty is Not the Best Policy in Relationships I once heard a client say with great pride that she has always been “honest” i...

20 Relationship Tips: Give Your Relationship the Attention it Deserves

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20 Relationship Tips:  Give Your Relationship the Attention it Deserves</h1>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody"><div style="text-align: center;">
<strong>Richard
 Nicastro, PhD explores specific ways you can improve your relationship,
 noting that it usually doesn’t just “happen” but requires effort to be 
sure it gets adequate attention.  </strong></div>
Let’s face it: there 
is a staggering volume of marriage/relationship help advice out there. 
Any Internet search on the topic will give you page after page of 
relationship “How to’s” and “What not to do’s.” Depending on your 
perspective, this can be either good news (the easy availability of 
helpful information) or bad news (trying to navigate the overwhelming 
maze of relationship tips).<br />
The truth is, there is also a great 
deal of overlap in what is being said about how to strengthen a 
marriage/relationship—and while some authors are more eloquent in how 
they get this information across than others, often the underlying 
message is consistent. This is good news. The repetition in 
marriage/relationship advice suggests that there are important 
hard-and-fast principles that couples should pay attention to.<br />
So 
rather than searching for the golden goose that will magically send you 
down the path of marital or relationship bliss, it’s time to roll up 
your sleeves and give your relationship the attention it deserves.<br />
<br />
<strong>20 Relationship Tips:</strong><br />
<ol>
<li>Couples need to set up a <strong>clear boundary</strong> around their relationship—this boundary involves saying “no” to the influences that can undermine your relationship.</li>
<li>Healthy marriages/relationships require <strong>balance</strong>
 between having shared couple-experiences that will feed the 
relationship while at the same time nurturing their individual interests
 and pursuits.</li>
<li>Without a clear expression of <strong>commitment</strong> to the relationship, trust and emotional security will suffer. A strong relationship foundation is built on mutual commitment.</li>
<li>Direct, <strong>clear communication</strong> should always be a top priority.</li>
<li>Being <strong>attuned to your needs</strong>,
 wants and desires is the first step in getting them met—when you’re 
unclear about your own needs, how can your spouse/partner ever meet 
them?</li>
<li>Not everything needs to be discussed, analyzed and “processed” between partners. Letting go, <strong>giving your partner the benefit of the doubt</strong>, and practicing forgiveness will go a long way in creating a fulfilling relationship.</li>
<li>Words have the power to build empathic bridges between partners, and <strong>words</strong> also have the power to hurt and create a wasteland of distance between you. Choose your words wisely.</li>
<li>Important
 issues that are repeatedly ignored, minimized or go underground will 
resurface with a vengeance. A healthy relationship requires <strong>facing uncomfortable issues</strong> from time to time.</li>
<li>Like
 a wildfire, emotional wounding and defensiveness can spiral out of 
control and quickly consume a relationship.  Couples need to be <strong>mindful of the negative cycles</strong> that arise in their relationship.</li>
<li>Deliberately <strong>creating positive experiences</strong>
 and interactions between the two of you (while facing the uncomfortable
 issues that need to be addressed) should be an ongoing priority.</li>
<li>Emotional intimacy and closeness are built upon both partners being consistent, <strong>emotionally available</strong> and responsive to one another.</li>
<li>Expecting
 to get all (or even most) of your needs met whenever you want is like 
expecting the weather to change based upon your whims and preferences.  
Unrealistic <strong>expectations</strong> lead to unhappy marriages/relationships.</li>
<li>For some, emotional closeness is a prerequisite for sexual intimacy; for others, sexual intimacy leads to <strong>emotional intimacy</strong>.</li>
<li>Passion and <strong>fulfilling sex</strong>
 often needs to be talked about, planned and negotiated (a lack of 
sexual spontaneity isn’t necessarily a sign of marital/relationship 
problems).</li>
<li>What makes you feel loved and <strong>emotionally connected</strong>
 may be very different from what makes your partner feel loved and 
emotionally close. Communicating and understanding these differences can
 go a long way in improving your relationship.</li>
<li>Certain differences between your and your partner’s <strong>communication styles</strong>
 and emotional expressiveness need to be accepted. You can’t make an 
introvert outgoing, and likewise, don’t expect an extrovert to happily 
sit home every evening.</li>
<li>Friendships are built on joint activities and common interests. In addition to being lovers, couples need to <strong>learn to be friends</strong>.</li>
<li>Couples who actively practice <strong>gratitude and appreciation</strong>
 feel a deep sense of connection with one another. It’s too easy to 
simply focus on what bothers you about your mate while ignoring why you 
fell in love with him/her in the first place.</li>
<li>While a relationship obviously takes two committed people, one person can make a difference in improving the overall <strong>quality of the relationship</strong>.</li>
<li>Fulfilling, healthy relationships are co-created, not found. Couples who <strong>work together</strong> (at keeping their relationship strong) are more likely to stay together.</li>
</ol>
While
 it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by the information presented in this
 article, remember that you can pick one or two items from the above 
list and began implementing them into your relationship right away. As a
 marriage/couples counselor, I’ve seen couples make big differences in 
their relationship with a simple and relatively small change—the goal is
 to be consistent and persistent with whatever positive change you’re 
trying to make.</section></div>

20 Relationship Tips: Give Your Relationship the Attention it Deserves

20 Relationship Tips: Give Your Relationship the Attention it Deserves Richard Nicastro, PhD explores specific ways you can improve ...

The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy

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The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy</h1>
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<h3>
<br /></h3>
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</header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">“I’ve
 been married for over twenty years. I know I’m not perfect, but I can 
honestly say that I do my best to be a good husband…I care about what my
 wife thinks of me asa husband and father.” ~Sal<br />
“It scares me to 
admit this, but I’d be totally lost without my wife. She’s my best 
friend and she tells me that I’m hers. Making her happy is everything to
 me…” ~Luis<br />
“You only hear about the guys who are abusive or cheat, but how about the tons of men who are faithful and kind?” ~John<br />
These
 are some of the messages several men shared with me while discussing 
their thoughts about intimacy, their partners and spouses. Before long, a
 theme arose:<br />
What especially bothered these men were the rampant 
myths that go unchallenged in society about what men really want from 
marriage or a long-term relationship.<br />
<br />
<strong>Myth 1</strong>: Men do not value intimacy and emotional connection.<br />
<strong>Myth 2</strong>: Men are motivated to control and tell women what to do (and therefore prefer passive women).<br />
<strong>Myth 3</strong>: Men only want sex (rather than emotional connection).<br />
<strong>Myth 4</strong>: Men do not care about their partners’/spouses’ feelings.<br />
<strong>Myth 5</strong>: Men would rather spend time with their guy friends than their wives/girlfriends.<br />
<br />
Let’s
 take a closer look at the first myth, the one that claims that men do 
not value emotional closeness. This myth arises out of the difficulty 
some men have with emotions: in particular, expressing and sharing their
 feelings. This reality is partly rooted in the way in which many men 
are socialized. Emotional self-expression is not considered an important
 and useful trait for many men—therefore young boys aren’t given the 
psychological tools needed to identify and appropriate express their 
feelings.<br />
 <img alt="" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-5284" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Truth-About-Men-Love-and-Intimacy-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Truth-About-Men-Love-and-Intimacy-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Truth-About-Men-Love-and-Intimacy-350x234.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Truth-About-Men-Love-and-Intimacy.jpg 424w" style="margin: 5px;" title="The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy" width="300" />Of
 particular importance is the way in which fathers (and other male 
mentors) act as role-models for their sons. While many fathers are 
becoming more comfortable with their sons’ emotional lives, some fathers
 continue to hold the expectation that once their male child hits a 
certain age, this emotionality will give way to stoic self-control.<br />
All
 too often these fathers are perpetuating what was handed down to them 
by their own fathers—a type of intergenerational legacy of difficulty 
tolerating and expressing emotions.<br />
<strong>Why are feelings difficult for men?</strong><br />
Feelings
 of vulnerability (tenderness, sadness, fear, feeling “less than,” 
embarrassment and shame) conflict with the ideal of masculinity—central 
to this ideal is the trait of control and <em>masculine strength</em>. Men value power and in the arena of love, power and strength equate to being able to take care of your loved ones.<br />
As
 the requirements of marriage and intimate relationships change and men 
are asked to be more emotionally available, the guiding questions for 
many men are:<br />
<strong>How can masculinity and vulnerability exist side by side?</strong><br />
Do I need to totally abandon the traits of masculinity I value in order to be a good husband and/or father?<br />
Unfortunately,
 the mentality that emotional vulnerability equates to weakness is alive
 and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated 
attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand 
greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut 
down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and 
emotionally impotent.<br />
But men still value connection!<br />
Difficulty
 sharing emotions does not necessarily mean that emotional connection 
isn’t important to men. Think of it this way: You can deeply enjoy music
 and yet not know how to play a musical instrument.<br />
How men go 
about creating connection has less to do with emotional sharing and more
 to do with actions that validate their masculine identity–providing for
 their loved ones, tangential giving that leads to concrete results.<br />
<em>As Roger recently said:</em><br />
“My
 wife didn’t like the color of our bedroom and when she was out with her
 sister, I painted the entire room her favorite color. I couldn’t wait 
to see her reaction. When she got home she gave me this big hug and I 
felt like a million bucks…”<br />
In other words, Roger felt emotionally
 connected to his wife. He experienced intimacy through doing for his 
wife, rather than emotional expression.<br />
For the men who feel most 
at home in the familiar but constrictive strait-jacket of 
hyper-masculinity, there are significant hurdles to overcome as they 
attempt to adjust to the new requirements of love and marriage. But for 
many other men, self-expression and emotional intimacy are seen as 
long-overdue and a welcome addition to what relationships can offer. 
These men have long realized that messages that continue to perpetuate 
the stoic, need-to-be-in-control, warrior mentality are as detrimental 
to men as they are to women.</section></div>

The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy

The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy “I’ve been married for over twenty years. I know I’m not perfect, but I can hone...

Rewire Your Sense of Hurt or Shame in Painful Relationship Interactions

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Rewire Your Sense of Hurt or Shame in Painful Relationship Interactions</h1>
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<strong>Linda
 Graham, MFT offers this powerful tool to help get through and actually 
rewire challenging relational experiences resulting in emotional pain.</strong></div>
There’s
 a teaching story in the Buddhist tradition that can guide us in 
repairing and rewiring any troubling experiences in relationship in the 
present or traumatizing memories that still hijacks us from the past.  
If you take a teaspoon of salt, dissolve it in a glass of water, and 
then take a sip of the water, the water tastes disgusting – it’s too 
salty to drink.  But if you take a teaspoon of salt, dissolve it in a 
large freshwater lake, then dip the glass into the lake and sip that 
water, the salt has dissolved in the larger lake; there’s no taste of it
 at all.<br />
We can dissolve teaspoons of relational upset or trauma 
in the vast lake of mindful empathy, positive emotions, and our own deep
 goodness, too, through re-conditioning.  Old memories of difficult 
experiences seem to “dissolve.”  They no longer have the power or charge
 they once had to weaken our internal secure base or de-rail our 
resilience.<br />
Re-conditioning is a powerful tool for altering the 
brain’s circuitry and we want to make sure we’re re-wiring old memories 
and not reinforcing them.<br />
<strong>The ground rules before you begin the exercise:</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>Anchor
 your awareness firmly in the present moment. You are safe here, now, 
and will still be safe even when you retrieve a memory of what happened 
back there, back then.</li>
<li>Focus your awareness on positive 
resources first – positive self-regard, self-acceptance, trusting your 
innate goodness, evoking the wisdom of your Wiser Self.</li>
<li>Start 
small!  A teaspoon of trouble, not a ton.  Consider one small specific 
relational moment when resilience went awry such as being chosen last 
for the neighborhood softball team and the sting of “not good enough” 
lingers to this day…or your sister-in-law just can’t seem to hear that 
you won’t be coming to her house for Thanksgiving and will instead 
celebrate with friends as you have for three years and you resent her 
obliviousness to your own wishes.</li>
</ul>
With practice, over time, 
re-conditioning can indeed dissolve a ton of salt, but please let your 
brain feel successful with the smaller memories first.<br />
<b>Exercise: Wished For Outcome </b><br />
This exercise creates the resource of a better outcome to recondition a troubling or traumatizing memory.<br />
<strong>1. Find a time and place to sit quietly without interruption. </strong>
 Focus your attention on your breathe, breathing calmly and deeply into 
your heart center.  Call to mind a particular moment of ease and 
well-being, a particular sense of your own goodness, or a moment when 
you felt safe, loved, connected, cherished.  Or think of a moment when 
you were with someone who loves and believes in you.  Remember one of 
these moments in as much detail as you can, in as many levels of your 
body-brain as you can – a visual image, the feelings in your body that 
the memory evokes, any thoughts you have about yourself now as you 
remember the sweetness of that moment.  Let yourself savor this moment 
in a mindful and compassionate “holding” of the memory.<br />
<strong>2.
 When you feel bathed in the good feeling, and still anchored in the 
awareness of safety in the present moment, call to mind a moment of 
experience when things went awry between you and another person. </strong>
 It may be slight or terrible, but if it’s terrible, break the 
experience to little chunks.  As you re-imagine that moment, remain in 
your observer role rather than reliving the experience.  Evoke this 
memory to light up all the neural networks – visual images, body 
sensations, emotions, thoughts or beliefs at the time.  Recall memories 
of what you said and did, what someone else said or did; who else was 
there; how old you were and how old the other person was; what you were 
wearing and what that person was wearing,  Maybe you wish you could have
 said or done something differently at the time.  Maybe you wish someone
 else had done something differently at the time, even if that could 
never have happened in real life.<br />
<strong>3. Then begin to 
visualize a wished for outcome, even if this never could have happened 
in real life: what you would have said or done differently; what the 
other person could have done differently.</strong> What someone else not
 even in the original scenario could have said or done. If you simply 
wish none of this had happened at all, you can imagine what would have 
happened instead.  Let the new story unfold as you would have wished, in
 as much detail as you can.  You are creating a scenario that completely
 disconfirms or contradicts what happened before.<br />
<strong>4. Hold 
the two scenarios in your awareness at the same time, or switch back and
 forth between them, always refreshing and strengthening the newer, more
 positive scenario.</strong> After a few moments, “let go” of the old 
memory and just rest your attention in the new scenario.  Let your mind 
play out this new scenario, and then notice how you feel.  Notice any 
emotions or thoughts or beliefs about yourself that come up now, and if 
they are more positive, resilient, let them soak in.  Then bring your 
awareness back to the present moment.<br />
Using this technique does 
not change what happened, but it does change our relationship to what 
happened. It doesn’t re-write history but it does re-wire the brain. The
 kind of careful re-conditioning can re-wire a shame-based sense of 
self, dissolve self-doubt and smallifying,  help the inner critic 
retire.  Altering your brain circuitry through re-conditioning creates a
 stronger neural platform of resilience in the internal secure base and 
allows a new relational intelligence to emerge that allows you to deal 
with even intrusive, withdrawn, hostile people, in any situation, 
resiliently.</section></div>

Rewire Your Sense of Hurt or Shame in Painful Relationship Interactions

Rewire Your Sense of Hurt or Shame in Painful Relationship Interactions Share this! Linda Graham, MFT offers this powerful t...