The Ebb and Flow of Marriage

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline"> The Ebb and Flow of Marriage</h1> <div class="single-featured-image"> <img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fotolia_30955574_S.jpg 849w" width="640" /></div> <div class="social-share-container"> <div style="text-align: left;"> <br /></div> <span class="st_facebook_large" displaytext="Facebook"></span> <span class="st_twitter_large" displaytext="Tweet"></span> <span class="st_pinterest_large" displaytext="Pinterest"></span> <span class="st_linkedin_large" displaytext="LinkedIn"></span> <span class="st_googleplus_large" displaytext="Google +"></span> <span class="st_email_large" displaytext="Email"></span></div> </header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">Marriages change over time.  Couples who are able to navigate the ebb and flow of their relationships have an advantage in doing better over the long haul.<br /> Consider for a moment how much you’ve changed in your maturity, likes, dislikes, priorities, stressors, life experiences, etc.  If you haven’t changed a bit – consider yourself extremely unique.<br /> Most of us experience a change in ourselves to some degree over time.  A marriage or long-term relationship will also change.<br /> <strong>Here are a few ways couples can navigate the inevitable change of their marriage:</strong><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage-300x243.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Marriage Tips, Tools Advice: The Ebb and Flow of Marriage" border="0" class="size-medium wp-image-2825 alignright" height="243" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage-300x243.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage-300x243.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage-350x284.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-marriage.jpg 385w" style="cursor: move; margin-top: 5px;" title="Marriage Tips, Tools Advice: The Ebb and Flow of Marriage" width="300" /></a></div> <ul> <li>Check-in with each other periodically.<ul> <li>How are things going?</li> <li>How are you doing?</li> <li>How are we doing?</li> </ul> </li> <li>Make adjustments in the way things have always been done.<ul> <li>Break routines</li> <li>Do things differently</li> <li>Shake it up a bit</li> </ul> </li> <li>Prioritize your relationship.  It’s very easy to take your eyes off of each other, especially after having children and other life stressors show up.</li> <li>Get away.  An overnight can do wonders for your relationship.  Don’t underestimate the power of a new environment away from your routines and responsibilities.</li> <li style="text-align: left;">Laugh and create new memories.  Don’t allow a negativity bias to creep up in your relationship.  Counter it with some good laughs and positive experiences to counteract negative experiences.</li> </ul> Just because your marriage has “changed” isn’t automatically cause for alarm.  It’s about addressing the change together honestly  and finding creative ways to adapt to that change.<br /> If you are concerned that so much has changed at this point that your marriage feels disconnected and the gap too wide to bridge without assistance, find a local couples counselor to help.  If you’re not quite ready for couples counseling you can try my tool for couples, The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples, to help you strengthen the foundation of your relationship.</section></div>

The Ebb and Flow of Marriage

The Ebb and Flow of Marriage Marriages change over time.  Couples who are able to navigate the ebb and flow of their relationships have an advantage in doing better over the long haul. Consi…

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17 Must-Have Conversations with Your Child

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline"> 17 Must-Have Conversations with Your Child</h1> <div class="single-featured-image"> <img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Fotolia_53954545_S-750x500.jpg" width="640" /></div> </header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody"><div style="text-align: center;"> <strong>Life coach, Mark Chernoff, breaks down some important life truths that can shape how children view themselves and their place in the world.  Parents, no matter how old your child (or adult child), it’s never too late to help them integrate these lessons.</strong></div> Our children grow up so fast.  Before we know it they’re out there somewhere in the real world, and we’re left hoping that we’ve done enough to prepare them for everything they’ll encounter.  Angel and I talk to course students and coaching clients on a regular basis – mothers and fathers alike – who share these sentiments.  They worry about their children.  They wonder if they’ve done a good enough job parenting up to this point.  And Angel and I totally get it too.  Oftentimes we feel the same way.  We’re concerned about our son Mac’s well-being and education, and we discuss it frequently, just like most parents.<br /> In fact, from what we’ve researched and studied, the well-being and education of their children is more important to most parents than just about anything else – health care, cost of living, public safety, and even their own well-being.  And believe it or not, most non-parents also say they’re concerned about the well-being and intellectual growth of society’s youth; this concern seems to cut cleanly across gender, ethnicity, age, income and political affiliation.  So the reality is, to a great extent, we all collectively care about our children.   And that’s a really beautiful thing when you think about it.<br /> Anyway, I awoke this morning thinking about all of this – especially the miraculous, life-changing responsibility of parenthood – and two related thoughts immediately crossed my mind:<br /> <ul> <li>Whoa!  Time flies.  How in the world did Angel and I suddenly become parents to a little boy that’s running all over the place and asking questions about everything under the sun?</li> <li>There are so many important truths I want to share with Mac… as soon as feasibly possible.</li> </ul> So I’m writing this post as a reminder to myself, and to all parents…<span id="more-4358"></span><br /> Here are 20 simple yet powerful truths you can add to your daily conversations with your child that will gradually change how they think about themselves and their place in the world, and ultimately transform how they live their life.  Please remember, also, that it’s never too late to discuss these truths – in most cases they are equally relevant to youngsters, adolescents, and adult children alike.<br /> <ol> <li><strong>Learning how to think is far more useful than learning what to think.</strong> – A big part of your life is a direct result of the decisions you make; if you don’t like your life for some reason, it’s time to start making changes and better decisions.  And the same is true for all of us, including our children.  It’s crucial that our children gradually grow to understand that THEY must learn to make good decisions for themselves, without us.  Parents can only guide by example and put their offspring on the right path, but the final forming of a person’s character and life story lies in their own hands.  You can walk beside your child most of the time, but not in their shoes.  And someday, when you’re not around, they’ll come to a fork in the road that forces them to think for themselves.  Which is why it’s important to teach your child how to think, not what to think.  (The remaining points in this article will help you do just that.)</li> <li><strong>Everything is hard before it’s easy, and we get stronger as we go.</strong> – One of the best things you can do for your child as they grow is to let go and allow them to do things for themselves, all<img alt="" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-10408" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Fotolia_93394019_S.jpg 849w" width="300" />ow them to be strong and responsible, allow them the freedom to experience things on their own terms, allow them to take the bus or the train and learn from life firsthand – allow them to be better people, allow them to believe more in themselves and do more by themselves.  Journeying through life on your own two feet is a learning process – you become stronger as you go.  It’s like a little girl who struggles to find her way home from school without her parent’s help – doing it the first few times is daunting and scary, but in the long run she’s safer and better off having learned the way.</li> <li><strong>The biggest disappointments in life are often the result of misplaced expectations.</strong> – When we are really young our expectations are few, but as we age our expectations tend to balloon with each passing year.  The key is to help your child understand that tempering unrealistic expectations of how something “should be” can greatly reduce unnecessary stress and frustration.  With a positive attitude and an open mind, we often find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than we thought it was going to be; it’s just that “the easy” and “the hard” aren’t exactly the way we had anticipated, and don’t always occur when we expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing – it makes life interesting, if we’re willing to see it that way.</li> <li><strong>Worry is the cruelest enemy of personal growth.</strong> – Worrying does nothing but steal your joy and keep you very busy doing absolutely nothing at all.  When you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want.  And, as every child knows deep down, there are much better ways to use an imagination.  Do your best to remind them of this.</li> <li><strong>Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.</strong> – If you want to be effective in life, you can’t base your attitude on how things are.  Instead, you have to choose your attitude so it supports and expresses the way you wish to be.  It’s not about expecting the best to always happen, but instead accepting whatever happens and then making the very best of it.  Truly, most of our long-tern frustration and stress comes from the way we respond and react to circumstances, not the circumstances themselves.  Learn to adjust your attitude, and all that extra frustration and stress is gone.  Practice this in your own life, so your child can witness the results firsthand.</li> <li><strong>Reflecting on what we’re grateful for makes us happier and healthier.</strong> – In <em>1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently,</em> Angel and I discuss the powerful benefits of keeping a gratitude journal.  And the really good news is it works for children too.  In one celebrated example, Dr. Robert Emmons, of UC Davis, asked teenage students to keep a gratitude journal – over ten weeks, the young undergrads listed five things that had happened in the past week which they were grateful for.  The results were astoundingly powerful – the students who kept the gratitude journal were up to 25% happier, more optimistic about their future, and got sick less often during the controlled study.  They even got more exercise than usual.  The bottom line is that children who keep a gratitude journal are statistically happier, more optimistic, and healthier.  As soon as your child is old enough, help them start one.</li> <li><strong>The lifelong pursuit of happiness is about finding meaning.</strong> – Pursuing happiness is not <img alt="" class="alignright size-full wp-image-9811" height="266" sizes="(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Fotolia_37190292_S-e1494606571373.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Fotolia_37190292_S-e1494606571373.jpg 400w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Fotolia_37190292_S-e1494606571373-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Fotolia_37190292_S-e1494606571373-350x234.jpg 350w" width="400" />at all the same as feeling happy, which is a fleeting emotion dependent on momentary circumstances.  This is something that tends to confuse us when we’re young.  Happy moments feel great and are often fun-filled – if the sun is shining, by all means we should bask in it.  But happy moments always pass, because time passes.  The lifelong pursuit of happiness, on the other hand, is far more elusive; it’s not based on a particular momentary circumstance.  What you are really pursuing is meaning – living a meaningful life.  It starts with your “why.”  (Why are you doing what you’re doing every day?)  When your “why” has significance, you are living your life on your own terms, which makes the inevitable obstacles that arise on your path that much easier and more fulfilling to overcome.  In essence, you are putting forth effort and pushing forward because doing so brings meaning into your life.  (Do your best to help your child find their “why,” and let them know that it’s OK if it changes over time.)</li> <li><strong>The right journey is the destination.</strong> – The most prolific and beneficial experience is not in actually achieving something you want, but in seeking it.  It’s the journey towards an endless horizon that matters – goals that move forward with you as you chase them.  It’s all about meaningful pursuits – the “moving” – and what you learn along the way.  Truly, the most important reason for moving from one place to another is to see what’s in between.  In between is where passions are realized, love is found, strength is gained, and memories are made.  You can’t get any of that without firsthand living.  In other words, the right journey is the destination.  Remember this truth, live by it… set an example for your child.</li> <li><strong>The most effective way to move away from something you don’t want, is to move toward something you DO want.</strong> – “Don’t think about eating that chocolate donut!”  What are you thinking about now?  Eating that chocolate donut, right?  When we focus on not doing something, we end up thinking more about it.  The same philosophy holds true in all walks of life, regardless of our age.  By persistently trying to move away from what we don’t want, we are inadvertently forced to think about it so much that we end up carrying it’s weight along with us.  But if we instead choose to focus our energy on moving toward something we DO want, we naturally leave the negative weight behind as we move forward with our lives.</li> <li><strong>Actions always speak 100% louder than words.</strong> – Children have never been perfect at listening to their parents, but they have never failed to imitate them.  Keep this in mind.  Let your children watch you set an example every day in all that you do, and then reinforce your actions with verbal guidance.  Ultimately, all of us – young and old alike – need to remember that what we really want in life comes from what we really do in life.</li> <li><strong>The willingness to do hard things opens significant doors of opportunity.</strong> – One of the most important abilities you can help a child develop in life is being OK with some level of discomfort.  Because the best things are often hard to come by, and if you shy away from difficulty and discomfort, you’ll miss out on them.  Mastering a new skill is hard.  Building a business is hard.  Writing a book is hard.  A marriage is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Staying in shape is hard.  All are amazing and worth every bit of effort you can muster.  If you get good at doing hard things, you can do almost anything you put your mind to.</li> <li><strong>Uncertainty is inevitable and must be embraced to achieve anything worthwhile.</strong> – When we act with some level of uncertainty, this uncertainty often chases us out into the open where opportunity awaits.  Thus, learning to embrace uncertainty relatively early in life is a must.  Because if we need to know exactly how every little thing will turn out, we’ll avoid many life-changing projects, career moves, relationships, etc.  Starting a business, for example, could be a very worthwhile thing to do, but if you’re scared of uncertainty you’ll skip it.  Continually cowering in the face of uncertainty like this means you will never know anything for sure, and in many ways this unknowing will be worse than finding out your hunch was wrong.  For if you were wrong, you could make adjustments and carry on with your life without ever looking back and wondering what might have been.</li> <li><strong>Lack of effort holds more people back than intelligence ever could.</strong> – It doesn’t matter if you have a genius IQ and a PhD in Quantum Physics, you can’t change anything or make any sort of real-world progress without putting forth diligent effort.  There’s a huge difference between knowing how to do something and actually doing it.  Knowledge and intelligence are both useless to a person who’s unwilling to put in the effort and take action.  Remember this, and do your best to praise your child for their effort, not their intelligence.  When you praise your child’s efforts you are bringing attention to something they CAN control – the amount of time and energy they put into their work.  This is immensely important because it teaches them to persist, and that progress through hard work is possible.  They come to see themselves as “in control” of their success in life.  Conversely, emphasizing God-given intelligence takes progress out of your child’s control, and it provides no good formula for responding to failure.  In turn, your child may begin to think that innate intelligence is always going to be a missing element for them, and thus disregard the importance of their effort to learn and grow.</li> <li><strong>Not everything will go as planned, but we can still be prepared.</strong> – For every youngster that succeeds in doing exactly what they set out to do in the exact time frame they set out to do it in, there are dozens of others who start strong and get derailed.  Help your child understand that if this happens to them, it isn’t a bad thing.  Unexpected obstacles may come along to shift their perspective, to strengthen their resolve, or to change their direction for the better.  And the destination they fall in love with someday may not even exist now.  For example, just a few short years ago the esteemed career paths of working at Facebook and Snapchat didn’t exist.  Neither did the job of professional coach and writer at Marc and Angel Hack Life.  So if a child can’t plan out their future in its entirety, what should they do?  Focus a little less on the future and focus more on what they can do now that will benefit them no matter what the future brings.  Read inspiring books.  Write.  Learn and practice useful skills.  Build things.  Be adventurous and seek real-world experiences.  Help people.  Cultivate healthy relationships.  These efforts will assist in any future circumstances that come their way.</li> <li><strong>Incredible distance can be covered over time with tiny steps.</strong> – Most people fritter their free time away on things that don’t matter, like TV, video games, social media, etc.  A year of that and you have absolutely zero to show for it.  But if you painted every day, or practiced your web design skills, or wrot<img alt="" class="size-medium wp-image-10647 alignleft" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Fotolia_142119393_XS-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Fotolia_142119393_XS-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Fotolia_142119393_XS-350x234.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Fotolia_142119393_XS.jpg 424w" width="300" />e on a blog, or updated and perfected a video channel on YouTube, or started building a side business/passion project, or spent more time networking with the right people… at the end of a year you’ll have built something interesting.  And you’ll have some great life experiences too – experiences you can point to and say, “I built that, and I learned this,” which, sadly, many people can’t do.  Also, it’s important to mention that although it may seem easier for younger people to do these things, it’s 100% possible for all of us to take tiny steps in the right direction, day in and day out, for the rest of our lives.</li> <li><strong>Goals don’t make positive changes happen, rituals do.</strong> – What’s the difference between goals and rituals?  As a parent, your goal is to be a great role model, while your ritual is the time and energy you commit to setting a great example for your child each day.  If you’re an entrepreneur, your goal is to grow a successful business, while your ritual is your daily work ethic combined with your management, marketing and sales processes.  If you’re a fiction writer, your goal is to write a novel, while your ritual is the writing schedule you follow each day.  Now think about this:  If you ignored your goals for a while and focused solely on your rituals, would you still get positive results?  For example, if you were trying to lose weight and you ignored your goal to lose 20 pounds, and instead focused only on eating healthy and exercising each day, would you still get results?  Yes, you would.  Gradually, you would get closer and closer to your goal without even thinking about it again.  The earlier we learn this in life, the longer we have to make our positive daily rituals work in our favor.  But it’s never too late either.  <em>(Angel and I build tiny, daily, life-changing rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)</em></li> <li><strong>Trustworthiness is the foundation of progress.</strong> – The underlying key, for all of us, is to be trustworthy in our relationships.  When someone gives someone an employment or business opportunity, the biggest fear is that this person is not trustworthy – that they’ll slack off and try to cheat the system.  Someone who has established a positive reputation over the years will likely be more trusted, and more likely to be recommended.  So do you best to teach you child to be trustworthy by being honest, admitting mistakes and fixing them, and generally going above and beyond the call of duty in all personal and professional relationships.  When we adhere to this philosophy, we end up building a good reputation and people appreciate and endorse us more openly, which is the best way to get a job, a business investor, or another good friend.</li> </ol> </section></div>

17 Must-Have Conversations with Your Child

17 Must-Have Conversations with Your Child Life coach, Mark Chernoff, breaks down some important life truths that can shape how children view themselves and their place in the world.  Parents, no …

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When Honesty is Not the Best Policy in Relationships

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline"> When Honesty is Not the Best Policy in Relationships</h1> <div class="single-featured-image"> <img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Fotolia_39989248_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Fotolia_39989248_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Fotolia_39989248_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Fotolia_39989248_S-300x199.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Fotolia_39989248_S.jpg 850w" width="640" /></div> <div class="social-share-container"> <h3> I once heard a client say with great pride that she has always been “honest” in her relationships.  She told people how she felt about them and situations at hand.  For her it was inauthentic or “fake” not to be this way.  I validated that this has been her belief system, likely learned at some time, then moved to how it might have made others feel to be on the receiving end of her honesty.  This generated a pause…</h3> </div> </header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">“Well, I have never really had a filter…”  After another pause she was able to look at the possibility that her honesty has caused some pain for those around her.  She was able to question whether this style had ultimately served her and how learning to edit might improve her relationships.<br /> <div style="text-align: center;"> <em>“Words are powerful.  Be careful how you use them because once you have pronounced them, you cannot remove the scar they leave behind.”  </em></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> – Vashti Quiroz-Vega</div> Honesty and open communication in relationships are strengths and couples that engage this way have a better chance of avoiding the build up of resentment as well as solidifying their very foundation as emotional safety with each other is reinforced. Even topics producing anger are better off handled openly.  A study by James McNulty, PhD looked at the positive effects of expressing anger around important issues in relationships.  This is quite the opposite of the common practice of sweeping problems under the rug (not a healthy relationship choice).  Couples with strong interaction and self-soothing skills to contain reactivity can benefit from this type of honesty.<br /> Honesty that doesn’t work so well are feelings expressed as criticism or contempt.  Regardless of how you feel about a situation it serves the relationship well to shape your language in a way that is most likely to be received and not elicit a defensive reaction. But when anger is involved it can be challenging to manage your reaction to allow for a more productive response.  If you’ve often engaged with people in an unfiltered way, there have surely been consequences along the way.<br /> Having disagreements and yes, arguments, are often part of the couple dynamic.  It doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything wrong with your relationship but if you navigate the blips efficiently, your relationship can thrive as you both learn through experience that you can work things out, together.  If communication and self-soothing are skills that you and your partner struggle with, consider educating yourself around these topics to be better prepared to practice the healthy and loving kind of honesty.<br /> So toss out, <em>“I’m just being honest”</em> from your vocabulary because if you have responded that way, you’ve probably said something that hurt your mate and you feel the need to defend, which is never productive.  Find a more loving and compassionate way to relay the message and be prepared for the chance that your partner will still react with anger.<br /> Part of being human is that sometimes we piss each other off.  How we work through that is what counts.</section></div>

When Honesty is Not the Best Policy in Relationships

When Honesty is Not the Best Policy in Relationships I once heard a client say with great pride that she has always been “honest” in her relationships.  She told people how she felt about them and…

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20 Relationship Tips: Give Your Relationship the Attention it Deserves

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline"> 20 Relationship Tips: Give Your Relationship the Attention it Deserves</h1> <div class="single-featured-image"> <img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="426" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Fotolia_40455924_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Fotolia_40455924_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Fotolia_40455924_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Fotolia_40455924_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Fotolia_40455924_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Fotolia_40455924_S.jpg 849w" width="640" /></div> </header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody"><div style="text-align: center;"> <strong>Richard Nicastro, PhD explores specific ways you can improve your relationship, noting that it usually doesn’t just “happen” but requires effort to be sure it gets adequate attention.  </strong></div> Let’s face it: there is a staggering volume of marriage/relationship help advice out there. Any Internet search on the topic will give you page after page of relationship “How to’s” and “What not to do’s.” Depending on your perspective, this can be either good news (the easy availability of helpful information) or bad news (trying to navigate the overwhelming maze of relationship tips).<br /> The truth is, there is also a great deal of overlap in what is being said about how to strengthen a marriage/relationship—and while some authors are more eloquent in how they get this information across than others, often the underlying message is consistent. This is good news. The repetition in marriage/relationship advice suggests that there are important hard-and-fast principles that couples should pay attention to.<br /> So rather than searching for the golden goose that will magically send you down the path of marital or relationship bliss, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and give your relationship the attention it deserves.<br /> <br /> <strong>20 Relationship Tips:</strong><br /> <ol> <li>Couples need to set up a <strong>clear boundary</strong> around their relationship—this boundary involves saying “no” to the influences that can undermine your relationship.</li> <li>Healthy marriages/relationships require <strong>balance</strong> between having shared couple-experiences that will feed the relationship while at the same time nurturing their individual interests and pursuits.</li> <li>Without a clear expression of <strong>commitment</strong> to the relationship, trust and emotional security will suffer. A strong relationship foundation is built on mutual commitment.</li> <li>Direct, <strong>clear communication</strong> should always be a top priority.</li> <li>Being <strong>attuned to your needs</strong>, wants and desires is the first step in getting them met—when you’re unclear about your own needs, how can your spouse/partner ever meet them?</li> <li>Not everything needs to be discussed, analyzed and “processed” between partners. Letting go, <strong>giving your partner the benefit of the doubt</strong>, and practicing forgiveness will go a long way in creating a fulfilling relationship.</li> <li>Words have the power to build empathic bridges between partners, and <strong>words</strong> also have the power to hurt and create a wasteland of distance between you. Choose your words wisely.</li> <li>Important issues that are repeatedly ignored, minimized or go underground will resurface with a vengeance. A healthy relationship requires <strong>facing uncomfortable issues</strong> from time to time.</li> <li>Like a wildfire, emotional wounding and defensiveness can spiral out of control and quickly consume a relationship.  Couples need to be <strong>mindful of the negative cycles</strong> that arise in their relationship.</li> <li>Deliberately <strong>creating positive experiences</strong> and interactions between the two of you (while facing the uncomfortable issues that need to be addressed) should be an ongoing priority.</li> <li>Emotional intimacy and closeness are built upon both partners being consistent, <strong>emotionally available</strong> and responsive to one another.</li> <li>Expecting to get all (or even most) of your needs met whenever you want is like expecting the weather to change based upon your whims and preferences.  Unrealistic <strong>expectations</strong> lead to unhappy marriages/relationships.</li> <li>For some, emotional closeness is a prerequisite for sexual intimacy; for others, sexual intimacy leads to <strong>emotional intimacy</strong>.</li> <li>Passion and <strong>fulfilling sex</strong> often needs to be talked about, planned and negotiated (a lack of sexual spontaneity isn’t necessarily a sign of marital/relationship problems).</li> <li>What makes you feel loved and <strong>emotionally connected</strong> may be very different from what makes your partner feel loved and emotionally close. Communicating and understanding these differences can go a long way in improving your relationship.</li> <li>Certain differences between your and your partner’s <strong>communication styles</strong> and emotional expressiveness need to be accepted. You can’t make an introvert outgoing, and likewise, don’t expect an extrovert to happily sit home every evening.</li> <li>Friendships are built on joint activities and common interests. In addition to being lovers, couples need to <strong>learn to be friends</strong>.</li> <li>Couples who actively practice <strong>gratitude and appreciation</strong> feel a deep sense of connection with one another. It’s too easy to simply focus on what bothers you about your mate while ignoring why you fell in love with him/her in the first place.</li> <li>While a relationship obviously takes two committed people, one person can make a difference in improving the overall <strong>quality of the relationship</strong>.</li> <li>Fulfilling, healthy relationships are co-created, not found. Couples who <strong>work together</strong> (at keeping their relationship strong) are more likely to stay together.</li> </ol> While it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by the information presented in this article, remember that you can pick one or two items from the above list and began implementing them into your relationship right away. As a marriage/couples counselor, I’ve seen couples make big differences in their relationship with a simple and relatively small change—the goal is to be consistent and persistent with whatever positive change you’re trying to make.</section></div>

20 Relationship Tips: Give Your Relationship the Attention it Deserves

20 Relationship Tips: Give Your Relationship the Attention it Deserves Richard Nicastro, PhD explores specific ways you can improve your relationship, noting that it usually doesn’t just “happen” …

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The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div> <div class="single-featured-image" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </div> <br /> <header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline"> The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy</h1> <div class="social-share-container"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Fotolia_71242957_S-750x500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="266" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Fotolia_71242957_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Fotolia_71242957_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Fotolia_71242957_S-768x513.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Fotolia_71242957_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Fotolia_71242957_S-350x234.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Fotolia_71242957_S.jpg 848w" style="cursor: move;" width="400" /></a></div> <h3> <br /></h3> <span class="st_facebook_large" displaytext="Facebook"></span> <span class="st_twitter_large" displaytext="Tweet"></span> <span class="st_pinterest_large" displaytext="Pinterest"></span> <span class="st_linkedin_large" displaytext="LinkedIn"></span> <span class="st_googleplus_large" displaytext="Google +"></span> <span class="st_email_large" displaytext="Email"></span></div> </header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody">“I’ve been married for over twenty years. I know I’m not perfect, but I can honestly say that I do my best to be a good husband…I care about what my wife thinks of me asa husband and father.” ~Sal<br /> “It scares me to admit this, but I’d be totally lost without my wife. She’s my best friend and she tells me that I’m hers. Making her happy is everything to me…” ~Luis<br /> “You only hear about the guys who are abusive or cheat, but how about the tons of men who are faithful and kind?” ~John<br /> These are some of the messages several men shared with me while discussing their thoughts about intimacy, their partners and spouses. Before long, a theme arose:<br /> What especially bothered these men were the rampant myths that go unchallenged in society about what men really want from marriage or a long-term relationship.<br /> <br /> <strong>Myth 1</strong>: Men do not value intimacy and emotional connection.<br /> <strong>Myth 2</strong>: Men are motivated to control and tell women what to do (and therefore prefer passive women).<br /> <strong>Myth 3</strong>: Men only want sex (rather than emotional connection).<br /> <strong>Myth 4</strong>: Men do not care about their partners’/spouses’ feelings.<br /> <strong>Myth 5</strong>: Men would rather spend time with their guy friends than their wives/girlfriends.<br /> <br /> Let’s take a closer look at the first myth, the one that claims that men do not value emotional closeness. This myth arises out of the difficulty some men have with emotions: in particular, expressing and sharing their feelings. This reality is partly rooted in the way in which many men are socialized. Emotional self-expression is not considered an important and useful trait for many men—therefore young boys aren’t given the psychological tools needed to identify and appropriate express their feelings.<br /> <img alt="" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-5284" height="200" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" src="http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Truth-About-Men-Love-and-Intimacy-300x200.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Truth-About-Men-Love-and-Intimacy-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Truth-About-Men-Love-and-Intimacy-350x234.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Truth-About-Men-Love-and-Intimacy.jpg 424w" style="margin: 5px;" title="The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy" width="300" />Of particular importance is the way in which fathers (and other male mentors) act as role-models for their sons. While many fathers are becoming more comfortable with their sons’ emotional lives, some fathers continue to hold the expectation that once their male child hits a certain age, this emotionality will give way to stoic self-control.<br /> All too often these fathers are perpetuating what was handed down to them by their own fathers—a type of intergenerational legacy of difficulty tolerating and expressing emotions.<br /> <strong>Why are feelings difficult for men?</strong><br /> Feelings of vulnerability (tenderness, sadness, fear, feeling “less than,” embarrassment and shame) conflict with the ideal of masculinity—central to this ideal is the trait of control and <em>masculine strength</em>. Men value power and in the arena of love, power and strength equate to being able to take care of your loved ones.<br /> As the requirements of marriage and intimate relationships change and men are asked to be more emotionally available, the guiding questions for many men are:<br /> <strong>How can masculinity and vulnerability exist side by side?</strong><br /> Do I need to totally abandon the traits of masculinity I value in order to be a good husband and/or father?<br /> Unfortunately, the mentality that emotional vulnerability equates to weakness is alive and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and emotionally impotent.<br /> But men still value connection!<br /> Difficulty sharing emotions does not necessarily mean that emotional connection isn’t important to men. Think of it this way: You can deeply enjoy music and yet not know how to play a musical instrument.<br /> How men go about creating connection has less to do with emotional sharing and more to do with actions that validate their masculine identity–providing for their loved ones, tangential giving that leads to concrete results.<br /> <em>As Roger recently said:</em><br /> “My wife didn’t like the color of our bedroom and when she was out with her sister, I painted the entire room her favorite color. I couldn’t wait to see her reaction. When she got home she gave me this big hug and I felt like a million bucks…”<br /> In other words, Roger felt emotionally connected to his wife. He experienced intimacy through doing for his wife, rather than emotional expression.<br /> For the men who feel most at home in the familiar but constrictive strait-jacket of hyper-masculinity, there are significant hurdles to overcome as they attempt to adjust to the new requirements of love and marriage. But for many other men, self-expression and emotional intimacy are seen as long-overdue and a welcome addition to what relationships can offer. These men have long realized that messages that continue to perpetuate the stoic, need-to-be-in-control, warrior mentality are as detrimental to men as they are to women.</section></div>

The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy

The Truth about Men, Love and Intimacy “I’ve been married for over twenty years. I know I’m not perfect, but I can honestly say that I do my best to be a good husband…I care about what my wi…

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Rewire Your Sense of Hurt or Shame in Painful Relationship Interactions

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <header class="article-header"><h1 class="entry-title single-title" itemprop="headline"> Rewire Your Sense of Hurt or Shame in Painful Relationship Interactions</h1> <div class="single-featured-image"> <img alt="" class="attachment-gz-thumb-750 size-gz-thumb-750 wp-post-image" height="500" itemprop="image" sizes="(max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px" src="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Fotolia_52020589_S-750x500.jpg" srcset="https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Fotolia_52020589_S-750x500.jpg 750w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Fotolia_52020589_S-768x512.jpg 768w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Fotolia_52020589_S-300x200.jpg 300w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Fotolia_52020589_S-350x233.jpg 350w, https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Fotolia_52020589_S.jpg 849w" width="750" /></div> <div class="social-share-container"> <h3> Share this!</h3> <span class="st_facebook_large" displaytext="Facebook"></span> <span class="st_twitter_large" displaytext="Tweet"></span> <span class="st_pinterest_large" displaytext="Pinterest"></span> <span class="st_linkedin_large" displaytext="LinkedIn"></span> <span class="st_googleplus_large" displaytext="Google +"></span> <span class="st_email_large" displaytext="Email"></span></div> </header><section class="entry-content clearfix" itemprop="articleBody"><div style="text-align: center;"> <strong>Linda Graham, MFT offers this powerful tool to help get through and actually rewire challenging relational experiences resulting in emotional pain.</strong></div> There’s a teaching story in the Buddhist tradition that can guide us in repairing and rewiring any troubling experiences in relationship in the present or traumatizing memories that still hijacks us from the past.  If you take a teaspoon of salt, dissolve it in a glass of water, and then take a sip of the water, the water tastes disgusting – it’s too salty to drink.  But if you take a teaspoon of salt, dissolve it in a large freshwater lake, then dip the glass into the lake and sip that water, the salt has dissolved in the larger lake; there’s no taste of it at all.<br /> We can dissolve teaspoons of relational upset or trauma in the vast lake of mindful empathy, positive emotions, and our own deep goodness, too, through re-conditioning.  Old memories of difficult experiences seem to “dissolve.”  They no longer have the power or charge they once had to weaken our internal secure base or de-rail our resilience.<br /> Re-conditioning is a powerful tool for altering the brain’s circuitry and we want to make sure we’re re-wiring old memories and not reinforcing them.<br /> <strong>The ground rules before you begin the exercise:</strong><br /> <ul> <li>Anchor your awareness firmly in the present moment. You are safe here, now, and will still be safe even when you retrieve a memory of what happened back there, back then.</li> <li>Focus your awareness on positive resources first – positive self-regard, self-acceptance, trusting your innate goodness, evoking the wisdom of your Wiser Self.</li> <li>Start small!  A teaspoon of trouble, not a ton.  Consider one small specific relational moment when resilience went awry such as being chosen last for the neighborhood softball team and the sting of “not good enough” lingers to this day…or your sister-in-law just can’t seem to hear that you won’t be coming to her house for Thanksgiving and will instead celebrate with friends as you have for three years and you resent her obliviousness to your own wishes.</li> </ul> With practice, over time, re-conditioning can indeed dissolve a ton of salt, but please let your brain feel successful with the smaller memories first.<br /> <b>Exercise: Wished For Outcome </b><br /> This exercise creates the resource of a better outcome to recondition a troubling or traumatizing memory.<br /> <strong>1. Find a time and place to sit quietly without interruption. </strong> Focus your attention on your breathe, breathing calmly and deeply into your heart center.  Call to mind a particular moment of ease and well-being, a particular sense of your own goodness, or a moment when you felt safe, loved, connected, cherished.  Or think of a moment when you were with someone who loves and believes in you.  Remember one of these moments in as much detail as you can, in as many levels of your body-brain as you can – a visual image, the feelings in your body that the memory evokes, any thoughts you have about yourself now as you remember the sweetness of that moment.  Let yourself savor this moment in a mindful and compassionate “holding” of the memory.<br /> <strong>2. When you feel bathed in the good feeling, and still anchored in the awareness of safety in the present moment, call to mind a moment of experience when things went awry between you and another person. </strong> It may be slight or terrible, but if it’s terrible, break the experience to little chunks.  As you re-imagine that moment, remain in your observer role rather than reliving the experience.  Evoke this memory to light up all the neural networks – visual images, body sensations, emotions, thoughts or beliefs at the time.  Recall memories of what you said and did, what someone else said or did; who else was there; how old you were and how old the other person was; what you were wearing and what that person was wearing,  Maybe you wish you could have said or done something differently at the time.  Maybe you wish someone else had done something differently at the time, even if that could never have happened in real life.<br /> <strong>3. Then begin to visualize a wished for outcome, even if this never could have happened in real life: what you would have said or done differently; what the other person could have done differently.</strong> What someone else not even in the original scenario could have said or done. If you simply wish none of this had happened at all, you can imagine what would have happened instead.  Let the new story unfold as you would have wished, in as much detail as you can.  You are creating a scenario that completely disconfirms or contradicts what happened before.<br /> <strong>4. Hold the two scenarios in your awareness at the same time, or switch back and forth between them, always refreshing and strengthening the newer, more positive scenario.</strong> After a few moments, “let go” of the old memory and just rest your attention in the new scenario.  Let your mind play out this new scenario, and then notice how you feel.  Notice any emotions or thoughts or beliefs about yourself that come up now, and if they are more positive, resilient, let them soak in.  Then bring your awareness back to the present moment.<br /> Using this technique does not change what happened, but it does change our relationship to what happened. It doesn’t re-write history but it does re-wire the brain. The kind of careful re-conditioning can re-wire a shame-based sense of self, dissolve self-doubt and smallifying,  help the inner critic retire.  Altering your brain circuitry through re-conditioning creates a stronger neural platform of resilience in the internal secure base and allows a new relational intelligence to emerge that allows you to deal with even intrusive, withdrawn, hostile people, in any situation, resiliently.</section></div>

Rewire Your Sense of Hurt or Shame in Painful Relationship Interactions

Rewire Your Sense of Hurt or Shame in Painful Relationship Interactions Share this! Linda Graham, MFT offers this powerful tool to help get through and actually rewire challenging relational …

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9 Signs He's Not A Cheater

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <img src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/15/39/1443021006-couple.jpg?crop=1xw:1.0xh;center,top&resize=768:*" /></div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> Being cheated on is the worst. You feel rejected but also pissed. You don't know who you can trust. Well, scientific studies have narrowed down some traits that are statistically more common in guys who cheat, so here are some signs (not confirmation, obviously) that your guy will never stray.</div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">1. You bring home the same amount of money. </span>A recent study from the American Sociological review showed that partners were less likely to cheat if they were in the same (or similar) income brackets. Men were more likely to cheat if they made a lot more money than their partner, and they were most likely to cheat if they made a lot less. So if you two have similar paychecks, you've got statistics on your side.</div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">2. He's from the Midwest. </span>According to this poll, Midwesterners are just too well-mannered to cheat on their partners. </div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">3</span><span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">. His friends are also faithful. </span>People are more likely to cheat if their friends are also cheaters, according to M. Gary Newman, author of <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box;">The Truth About Cheating.</em> If his friends are trustworthy, it's likely he's trustworthy too.</div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">4. He feels loved and trusted. </span>According to a study conducted by Newman, most men don't cheat because they're not satisfied sexually. They cheat because they're seeking emotional satisfaction.</div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> </div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">5. He's an extrovert.</span> Extroverts are less likely to go along with the influence of others. Research shows that introverts are actually more likely to cheat because they're more likely to agree to someone propositioning them. So even if he's always out there meeting new people, you actually might be safer.</div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">6. He just seems like the kind of guy who wouldn't cheat. </span>According to a real study that people spent time on, researchers found that you can trust your gut when it comes to guys who look like they'd cheat. If your gut is telling you "no," then it's a good idea to listen to that gut.</div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">7. He's really into Pantera. </span>Yeah, according to this survey conducted by the <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box;">Mirror</em>(so, questionable), heavy metal listeners are apparently the least likely to cheat.</div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">8. He comes from a big family.</span> A survey from adult meet-up site Seeking Arrangements shows that cheaters are usually only children. Ask if he has a sister.</div> <div class="body-text" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">9. He has a hard time getting it up. </span> A sad study published in the <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box;">Archives of Sexual Behavior </em>showed that men who are easily aroused are more likely to cheat, so I guess mark one in the "pros" column for whiskey dick.</div> </div>

9 Signs He's Not A Cheater

Being cheated on is the worst. You feel rejected but also pissed. You don't know who you can trust. Well, scientific studies have narrowed down some traits that are statistically more common in gu…

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13 Things Not To Say To Someone Who's Always In A Relationship

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <div class="p1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;"><img height="392" src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/15/40/480x294/gallery-1443818021-coryandtopanga.jpg?resize=3978:*" width="640" /></span></div> <div class="p1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;"><br /></span></div> <div class="p1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">1. "How do you spice it up?" </span>As if it weren't already spicy. When you're in a really, really good relationship, you don't have to search for spices — they're just there in infinite supply. </div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">2. "You're young! You need to get out there and experience what the world has to offer you." </span>And by that do you mean "have one-night stands with guys who don't know what they're doing and first dates that are awkward as hell"? I don't judge if that's what you enjoy. But if I found My Person, there's no point in going on dates that I don't really want to be on. </div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">3. "How's the ball and chain doing?" </span>Or "How's the <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box;">boyyyyyyfriend</em>?" you might say while rolling your eyes as if to suggest it's such a chore to be in a happy, steady relationship. He's great and we love the shit out of each other, actually! Thanks for asking.</div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">4. "People in long-term relationships are just people who are way too comfortable with each other." </span>Allow me to clarify: A comfortable relationship is not an unhappy relationship. I'm comfortable with my significant other in the sense that I will walk around with no makeup and send him ugly selfies. Comfort does not make us <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box;">dislike</em> each other.</div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">5. "It's so weird that you have no one else to compare him or your relationship to. How can you even tell if he's <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box;">T</em><em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box;">he </em>One?"  </span>This is hard to understand for someone who hasn't found their person yet, but if you have found your person, you know. To put it in simple terms — your favorite personal belonging probably isn't your favorite because some external force made you realize that it is. Your favorite green bracelet is your favorite green bracelet because you love it and it means something to you. It's that simple. So, yeah, I just know. </div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="span" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box;"></span></div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">6. "I don't believe in monogamy." </span>And I do. Which is why I am me, and you are you. Oh, look, a poem! </div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">7. "Come on, just be my wingwoman!" </span>Uh, no, that's boring for me. I don't bring you out on my dates because you'd rather poke your eyes out than be a third wheel, which is totally fine. But that's what being your wingwoman feels like to me. </div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">8. "Doesn't it get boring?" </span>If it were boring I wouldn't be doing it. I'm in a committed relationship with a person, I am not in a committed relationship with boredom. Thanks though. </div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">9. "You can't be together long-term if you don't hook up with other people first." </span>This is a real thing that someone told me once, and it blew my mind. Just because the first guy I got with ended up being the only guy I wanted to get with doesn't mean that it's not real. (See no. 5 above, ahem.)</div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">10. *Not ever inviting me to girls' things where it's mostly single girls because they assume you don't want to come.* </span> Just because I am in a relationship doesn't mean I am against hanging out with single people. When I'm going out with my best girlfriends, the last thing I am thinking about is anyone's relationship status. So if you're going out for a fun night of drinks and food, whether or not you're looking for hookups, count me in! </div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">11. "How do you know? You've only been with one guy." </span><---The  sAsSy remark you get whenever you try to give relationship advice. Yes, I have only been with one guy. Because he's an awesome hell of a guy who treats me exactly as I should be treated. Because I know how good it feels to be in a happy relationship, I know that the way that douchebag is treating you is wrong. And you deserve to be happy! </div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">12. "You must think about other guys all the time."</span> I mean yeah, I have eyes. I think that Eric Decker is hot as hell because he is. I acknowledge that a man is attractive as he walks past me on the street because I am a living human. Just because I am monogamous doesn't mean I want to rip off my clothes at the sight of a hot man who isn't my man. </div> <div class="p2" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Times-New Roman", serif; font-size: 18px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: 47.5938px;"> <span data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">13. "Do you <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor" style="box-sizing: border-box;">really </em>think he's ever only been with you?" </span>I really do because we're in a trusting relationship. That's what monogamous relationships are. And that's what I like having in my life. </div> </div>

13 Things Not To Say To Someone Who's Always In A Relationship

1. "How do you spice it up?" As if it weren't already spicy. When you're in a really, really good relationship, you don't have to search for spices — they're just there in infinite supply.  2. …

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Is Sex Causing Anxiety In Your Relationship?

<h2 style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; clear: both; color: #5d696f; font-family: "Open Sans", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 24px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.3; margin: 18px 0px;"> Sex & Relationships: Is sex causing anxiety in your relationship?</h2> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-H2wmkMd_7orJudmPW1SUTlVnGalDupgZT5rz1bKkrNt2jJ67qWUUE6-6BfmzStkj5soq4TeAwOECKl4S7jmkAH3BVJc3jQMr6lo19XYgA0vG-3ph86wcTI1CDyVjAvoah1N5LJ1mcReU/s1600/sex+and+relationship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="sex and relationship" border="0" data-original-height="299" data-original-width="592" height="161" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-H2wmkMd_7orJudmPW1SUTlVnGalDupgZT5rz1bKkrNt2jJ67qWUUE6-6BfmzStkj5soq4TeAwOECKl4S7jmkAH3BVJc3jQMr6lo19XYgA0vG-3ph86wcTI1CDyVjAvoah1N5LJ1mcReU/s320/sex+and+relationship.jpg" title="sex and relationship" width="320" /></a></div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> How is it that sex, something so magical and intimate, can once feel like an act of pure connection and pleasure, then seemingly turn into an overwhelming topic that only creates tension, insecurity, rejection and discomfort in your relationship? Many couples suffer from intimacy “issues” and I often hear complaints by my clients in regards to “incompatible sex drives.” This can often lead to arguments, full-blown resentment and even affairs, as the lack of understanding the underlying issues of each other’s sexual needs, desires, and (especially) discomfort and expectations fall to the waist-side.</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> My approach to understanding physical intimacy is largely influenced by the emotional security and understanding of each other within the relationship. This doesn’t mean that sex has to become rigid and overly emotional, but it does mean that in order for both parties to feel desire and passion, emotional vulnerability is truly key. Can you trust your partner? Do you feel they really understand you (or want to?) Do you feel the commitment you have to each other is sacred? Do you enjoy your relationship, feel appreciated and acknowledged?</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> Sexual issues within a relationship are most often a symptom of a deeper problem. Identifying what that may be requires personal reflection, but also involves strengthening your communication and challenging yourself to be open about your own feelings about love, sex, and overall emotions.</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> While sex may have felt “easy” and safe in the beginning of your relationship, it may now cause conflict between you and your partner. It may feel like an obligation; it may feel overwhelming or not reciprocated; you may feel rejected, embarrassed or frustrated.</div> <blockquote style="background: url("images/quote.png") 7px 5px no-repeat scroll rgb(255, 255, 255); box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; hyphens: none; line-height: 30px; margin: 24px 40px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 50px; position: relative; quotes: none; width: auto;"> <div style="box-sizing: border-box;"> (Relax… this is quite normal and here’s what you can do about it).</div> </blockquote> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> First thing’s first. Get clarification!</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> Don’t be afraid to ask your partner about sex, even if you feel these are things you <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">should already know. </em></div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> What does sex represent to them? How do they feel they show love and feel connected to you? How important is sex? How often do they expect it?  What helps create the mood for them? How does it make them feel when sex isn’t fully enjoyable or when it isn’t present in your relationship? How comfortable with sex do they feel they are? How do they view intimacy and is that important to them? What specific things really turn them on?  What are their biggest fantasies? <span style="box-sizing: border-box; text-decoration-line: underline;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">Most importantly, are they feeling connected to you on all other levels of your relationship?</strong></span></div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> All of these questions about sex in relationships require trust, honesty, and vulnerability. All of these questions embody truths that outline your partners underlying meaning(s) of your relationship, sex in its entirety, and <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">how they feel about themselves</em> in relation to sex with you. Answering these questions may allow you both to uncover the hidden issues that haven’t been discussed or fully understood, which have been displaced onto the topic of sex in your relationship.</div> <blockquote style="background: url("images/quote.png") 7px 5px no-repeat scroll rgb(255, 255, 255); box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; hyphens: none; line-height: 30px; margin: 24px 40px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 50px; position: relative; quotes: none; width: auto;"> <div style="box-sizing: border-box;"> Communicating about sex in relationships is part of strengthening your entire connection and can even positively affect your self-esteem and sex drive. Good sex, along with other elements of your relationship, <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">take effort, patience and emotional vulnerability for both members.</span></div> </blockquote> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> Sex may feel like a dark cloud hovering over your bed, but once you start understanding the elements that have contributed to it, you may find that it’s an opportunity to really bond with each other, rather than be the percieved cause of disconnection. You may also uncover each other’s perception of sex altogether which can be very helpful when identifying each other’s needs and overall differences that have been fueling the disconnection.</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> Bottom line, “sex” changes as the relationship changes and it’s important to realize that sex in relationships may have underlying meanings to each person that aren’t easy to address. Best practice is to remember that if sex in your relationship is creating anxiety and frustration, there is a good chance that both partners aren’t feeling secure in their relationship.</div>

Is Sex Causing Anxiety In Your Relationship?

Sex & Relationships: Is sex causing anxiety in your relationship? How is it that sex, something so magical and intimate, can once feel like an act of pure connection and pleasure, then seemingly turn…

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How to have healthy habits to establish success in your relationship

<div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> <br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div> What is a successful relationship? What does a successful relationship even look like? We may have all wondered these questions at some point in our life.</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2jG9iVe5-BMeSIjTRZgUtfLCWihLKxwyJN3Td5TT0Xfhyphenhyphen844Lcrf7tRNVml_0RktrZDe8L0oUNo-NArzhvG3VahGhUhtnVPUfvS_ek6_LjIPRDzf1Qt-4SBohivznsG6V34oGRAiIT8Cg/s1600/success+in+your+relationship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="198" data-original-width="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2jG9iVe5-BMeSIjTRZgUtfLCWihLKxwyJN3Td5TT0Xfhyphenhyphen844Lcrf7tRNVml_0RktrZDe8L0oUNo-NArzhvG3VahGhUhtnVPUfvS_ek6_LjIPRDzf1Qt-4SBohivznsG6V34oGRAiIT8Cg/s1600/success+in+your+relationship.jpg" /></a></div> Often, my clients and I use words such as <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">healthy </em>or <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">successful </i>when describing goals within their treatment. Many of my clients initially start their process with describing their conflicts and frustrations. It’s not uncommon to hear, “The way we argue is unhealthy. We desperately need help <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">communicating </em>so we can have a successful relationship.”</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> A common misconception is learning to communicate more effectively will fix your relational issues. Although my counseling style teaches better communication and listening skills, it is not the <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">only component to creating a successful relationship. </em>Although communication is a key factor in enhancing understanding and facilitating connection within the relationship, it is in my opinion, that communication itself can’t sustain a successful relationship or deepen the connection and intimacy <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">entirely.</em></div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> So… then, what the heck <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">is a successful relationship </em>and what’s the effective recipe to get there?</div> <blockquote style="background: url("images/quote.png") 7px 5px no-repeat scroll rgb(255, 255, 255); box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; hyphens: none; line-height: 30px; margin: 24px 40px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 50px; position: relative; quotes: none; width: auto;"> <div style="box-sizing: border-box;"> “A healthy, successful relationship” is an <span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">evolution</span> of commitment, self-awareness and vulnerability.</span></div> </blockquote> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> Unfortunately, a successful relationship does not have a finish line and it’s more about a deep sense of security rather than a distinguishable accomplishment. It challenges our traditional definitions of “success,” and it begins when two people know and understand themselves (or are consistently open to trying to<em style="box-sizing: border-box;">). </em>The evolution of creating a successful relationship happens when two people push their own boundaries to jeopardize their emotional safety with each other. It happens when both partners really understand themselves to the core of their emotions, needs, behaviors and insecurities. This is the bulk of <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">vulnerability</em>, which inspires natural relational growth and security.</div> <blockquote style="background: url("images/quote.png") 7px 5px no-repeat scroll rgb(255, 255, 255); box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; hyphens: none; line-height: 30px; margin: 24px 40px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 50px; position: relative; quotes: none; width: auto;"> <div style="box-sizing: border-box;"> To be clear, being in a successful relationship does not void you or your partner of struggle, nor does it mean you are an expert communicator at all times. Creating a successful relationship is more about knowing yourself well enough to acknowledge when you’re reacting in a way that is pushing your partner away. It’s forcing yourself to be vulnerable no matter how terrifying it may be. It’s committing to your own self-development just as much as it’s committing loyalty to your partner.</div> </blockquote> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> It’s knowing when your pride is in overdrive and your defensives are clogging your ability to be honest and authentic to yourself and/or to your partner. It is then, when <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">communication </em>is extremely helpful. When you can articulate your needs and fears in a de-escalated way and ask for what you need, your partner <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">hears you.</em> You cannot effectively communicate (or begin the evolution of creating a successful relationship) if you aren’t attune to yourself or are not aware of your behaviors, intentions and needs. This is why I am suggesting that being a “good communicator” is more than just using <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">I statements </em>and actively listening to each other. Being in a successful relationship requires vulnerability and self-awareness within the communication, which only makes it more effective.</div> <blockquote style="background: url("images/quote.png") 7px 5px no-repeat scroll rgb(255, 255, 255); box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; hyphens: none; line-height: 30px; margin: 24px 40px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 50px; position: relative; quotes: none; width: auto;"> <div style="box-sizing: border-box;"> I personally understand how difficult this process can be.</div> </blockquote> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> As I have had my share of unhealthy relationship experiences in my past. As I reflect back to my past relationship failures, I can now acknowledge several things that took me years to understand. In those moments, I remember constantly feeling heartbroken, unworthy, insecure and completely insane. I never felt good enough for any of my “boyfriends” and always felt I had to prove or deny something deep within myself. I stumbled around for years just trying to find a partner<em style="box-sizing: border-box;"> who wouldn’t leave me.</em> That seemed simple enough…<em style="box-sizing: border-box;"> right? </em>I did not realize this at the time, but I was looking for a partner to help me feel secure with myself. This only put a lot pressure on my boyfriends in hopes that they could <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">fix </em>me, help me feel confident and lower my insecurities. Instead,<em style="box-sizing: border-box;"> </em>it produced the complete opposite outcome and most cheated on me or were rarely available at the times I needed them the most. This pattern reinforced to me for years, <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">I wasn’t worthy and would never be in a successful relationship.</em></div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg23x3AotoZqorzZvQEbOvThcUU7xaG5qfGiCP6go96_xlOvUjpF_qPIP7QlfAel9sdJgGhGOihIOTguRLZf3XwHglWu5W3gjZfs3zwMYdHJtxwmGmelzS9YzsGEI4Fxo0SdiaW_jGfqfEZ/s1600/a+successful+relationship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="222" data-original-width="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg23x3AotoZqorzZvQEbOvThcUU7xaG5qfGiCP6go96_xlOvUjpF_qPIP7QlfAel9sdJgGhGOihIOTguRLZf3XwHglWu5W3gjZfs3zwMYdHJtxwmGmelzS9YzsGEI4Fxo0SdiaW_jGfqfEZ/s1600/a+successful+relationship.jpg" /></a>One day, I decided I needed to choose to be alone. <em style="box-sizing: border-box;"> </em>A little bitter (at the time I believed I was on the path of relational destruction due to the “lack of good men out there”), I decided that being alone <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">had to be better </em>than dating men that had the tendency to bring out the worst in me. I wrote a list of all the things that I needed and wanted from a relationship. I laughed and then I cried; emotions of hope soon dwindled into sadness as I felt completely torn and discouraged. <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">How would I ever find a relationship like this, did it even exist? </em>Again, not realizing at the time, but I would soon realize that this relationship <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">does exist </em>but it requires a whole lot of work on <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">myself. </em></div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> I went to graduate school to become a therapist (who would have thought?) and dug deep within my own process, I attended my own counseling and realized that a crucial part of this puzzle was missing all along.</div> <blockquote style="background: url("images/quote.png") 7px 5px no-repeat scroll rgb(255, 255, 255); box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; hyphens: none; line-height: 30px; margin: 24px 40px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 50px; position: relative; quotes: none; width: auto;"> <div style="box-sizing: border-box;">  <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">I had to establish a positive relationship with my own self before I was able to find, create and sustain a healthy relationship with someone else. </span>I had to look in the mirror and take accountability for my inability to process my own emotions and my refusal to be real with myself. I had to take ownership of my pain, insecurities and defenses. I had to accept these [personal] things were a huge contributing factor to my past failed relationships and recognize it wasn’t just because “<span style="box-sizing: border-box; text-decoration-line: underline;">I picked the wrong men.”</span></div> </blockquote> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> I was never in a “healthy,” successful relationship until I met my husband. How do I know? Well… Because, when I challenged myself to understand myself better, my self confidence grew and my intention of wanting a relationship shifted significantly. I attracted my husband with genuine qualities verses acts of desperation and insincerity. I was able to soothe myself when I felt uncomfortable, verses relying solely on him to take away my fears and then getting angry with him because he couldn’t. I pushed myself to be vulnerable and took the necessary risks which helped him understand me and prevented me from exploding with resentment as I used to do in the past. This left little to no room for him to have to make his own assumptions of my reactive behavior.</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> All of this work I was doing on myself, (and I may add, <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">all of the work he was also doing on himself), </em>made a huge difference in our abilities to get close to each other. It’s a relationship I never knew was possible. We’ve had our ups and definitely had our downs, but what makes our relationship “successful,” is the evolution of committing our lives to each other, as well as ourselves. We now have learned throughout the years how to show up and operate in our most authentic self and we constantly push ourselves to be transparent with each other. We are vulnerable, sometimes emotionally messy, but we are honest and true.</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> I would encourage you to reflect on your own behaviors and possible incongruences with your thoughts, actions and emotions. Especially before you are quick to blame your partner or your lack of partners when you’re feeling really misunderstood or alone. Building understanding within yourself is essential to promoting longterm success in your relationship(s). Check your patterns, your beliefs, your insecurities. Check your behaviors and your defenses. Understand what you need and why you need it. Be honest and vulnerable with yourself and it will take you and your relationship in a whole new direction. It’s terrifying, but it’s worth it!</div> <div style="background-color: #eae7e2; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: Muli, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px;"> I’m here to help! Thanks for reading.</div>

How to have healthy habits to establish success in your relationship

What is a successful relationship? What does a successful relationship even look like? We may have all wondered these questions at some point in our life. Often, my clients and I use words such as he…

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Important Of Healthy Relationship

<h3 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 1.25rem; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.3; margin: 0px 0px 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Our relationship with others is one major factor that characterizes us as humans and distinguishes us from animals. Because relationship makes the world go round, we all demand a healthy and happy relationship with our partners, loved ones and everyone we relate with on daily basis.</h3> <div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> A healthy relationship is essential for maintaining our mental health and psychological problems affecting many people can be traced to abusive relationships.</div> <div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> A lot of young persons have been in many bad relationships that they do not know what a healthy one looks like. These traits I’m sharing below should give you an idea of what to look out for in a relationship which is healthy.</div> <ol style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Both Partners Trust Each Other</strong></li> </ol> <div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> There is absolutely no relationship without trust. It is the bedrock of any kind of relationship you can think of.</div> <div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> In a healthy relationship, both partners can trust each other without any form of reservation. They can also vouch for each other’s character and be sure that even when saying the truth is not favourable, they would always be faithful to each other.</div> <ol start="2" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Openness</strong></li> </ol> <div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Both partners in a healthy relationship can freely communicate their feelings, emotions and wants.</div> <div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> They are not afraid to express how they feel, knowing fully well that the other partner is there to help them get through any issue they might be having.</div> <ol start="3" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Both Parties Are Responsible For Their Happiness</strong></li> </ol> <div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> In my post titled <strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">the principal way to finding happiness in your relationships</strong>, I made it clear that the first way to have a happy relationship with others is to first love yourself. That is, you must first be happy with yourself.</div> <div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; clear: both; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0em 0px 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> People in a relationship must know that they are responsible for their own happiness. We often make the mistake of pushing the burden of making ourselves happy to the other person, however, this should not be.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Partners should know that they are there to compliment and support each other, not to shift responsibility entirely unto the other person.</div> <ol start="4" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Conflicts Are Handled Maturely</strong></li> </ol> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> One of the traits of a good relationship is that both persons involved deal with issues in a matured way. It is impossible for misunderstandings not to arise in an association of two different people, however, the conflict is resolved amicably and everyone moves on.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Those in healthy relationship do not make reference to their partner’s past mistakes. In addition, your thinking should not be how to jet out of the relationship every time conflict arises.</div> <ol start="5" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">No Abuse</strong></li> </ol> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Abuse in relationships can be emotional, physical or verbal. All these are contrary to characteristics of a healthy relationship.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Both partners respect each other’s feelings not to engage in any form of abuse. Good relationships seek ways to settle scores without name calling, battery or adoption of  silent treatment.<br /> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://assets.vixendaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/signs-of-emotional-abuse-in-a-relationship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="364" data-original-width="728" height="160" src="https://assets.vixendaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/signs-of-emotional-abuse-in-a-relationship.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> <br /> <a name='more'></a></div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </div> <ol start="6" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Both Partners Put The Relationship First</strong></li> </ol> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Because they value each other, partners in healthy relationship do not do things or take important decisions that will affect the relationship without considering the other person. There is no selfishness in a good relationship.</div> <ol start="7" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Their Reason For Being Together Is Unconditional</strong></li> </ol> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Today, almost everyone wants to be in a relationship because of the benefits they want to get from the other person.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> A healthy relationship is an unconditional one, with love as the binding factor. Partners are not in it for financial, material or physical reason.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> A healthy relationship can weather any storm because people are in it for the right reasons.</div> <ol start="8" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The Relationship Is 100-100</strong></li> </ol> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> One piece of advice we hear from relationship counsellors is that a relationship should be 50-50, a good relationship, however, should be 100-100.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> A healthy relationship is one in which both partners commit to giving 100% each.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> The idea of giving a 50 means you are withholding some part which will not augur well if you are to get your partner to fully commit to the relationship.</div> <ol start="9" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The Relationship Is Fun</strong></li> </ol> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> A very good trait of a healthy relationship is that you are enjoying it and not enduring. You can do things together and share wonderful moments.</div> <ol start="10" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 20px 40px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">No One Is Trying To “Manipulate” The Other</strong></li> </ol> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> In a healthy relationship, partners are not trying to manipulate or fix each other.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Both persons respect each other’s differences and acknowledge that neither force nor nagging can change anyone.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> There are other characteristics to measure a healthy relationship, however, these are the most important ones.</div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Please bear in mind that a healthy relationship does not mean total absence of misunderstanding, however, if the relationship ticks more than 60 percent of these characteristics, then you can say that it is most likely a good one.<br /> <div> <br /></div> </div> <div style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </div> </div>

Important Of Healthy Relationship

Our relationship with others is one major factor that characterizes us as humans and distinguishes us from animals. Because relationship makes the world go round, we all demand a healthy and happy re…

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